VooDoo M2 SavageFireBall's blog: "very touchy issues"

Ok I'm going to start this one by warning everyone its going to be pretty long.  This is something i dont tell everyone but i feel that it will help people understand me better and why i have trust issues with people.

Well when I was 6 weeks old my mother had a heart attack with me in her arms.  As she went down to the ground she flung me and i landed in the middle of her bed.  My two older brothers took care of me for 3 days until the downstairs neighbor came home and they got his attention for mom.  At that point we went to live with my grandmother.  We eventually went back to live with mom and along came my little sister.  From there the details get kinda spotty at best, but from what I have come to understand is that mom was heavy into drugs and alcohol and wasn't able to take care of us kids properly.  We all got pulled by the state and of us four kids, I was the only one that got placed with the family (grandma).  

Now grandma raised me for the rest of my life but was in and out of the hospitals fighting cancer and other various medical issues.  Now because I was so young when she got me, I grew up calling her mom and my grandpa dad.  Well, when i was around 13 years old we had moved into a new place and had yet to unpack most of the stuff.  Well, we started going through stuff and tried to get it all put away and orginize the house.  I guess dad and i just werent moving fast enough to mom's liking.  This was the point where I found out that the last 13 years of my life was nothing but a god damn lie.  She told me who my real mother was and that it wasn't her.  Now being a 13 year old male who was dealing with puberty at this point, i was already confused about life.  This just made matters even worse.  I told mom that I hated her and called her a bitch to her face.  Then i ran into the bathroom and locked the door.  I refused to let her or anyone else into the bathroom by me.  After some time I came to realize that I was better off with her after I had lived with my real mother.  

Well about the time that I graduated for 8th grade and was heading into high school the youngest of my "sisters" (aunts) ended up in the hospital.  She passed away the day before my graduation.  The night of my graduation mom and dad got into a fight. Dad told mom that she never loved me and didnt even know why she ever took me in the first place.  He didnt know that I was standing right behind him until i spun him around and layed him out.  When he came to I looked him in the eyes and told him to never talk to my mother like that again.  

Now between my junior and senior years in high school mom had to start going in for kemo treatments roughly 3 times a week.  Well with dad and everyone else in the house working during the week all the time I felt that it fell on me to make sure mom got there and home safely.  I started cutting school just so I could take care of her.  I did the best I could to take care of her but to no avail.  February 23, 1999, my mother was takin from me in the early hours of the morning.  She died at home in her bedroom.  My sister who is talked about in my other blog, came into my room yellin that mom had fallen and dad couldnt get her back up onto the bed and they needed my help.  I flew past my sister and into my moms room.  When I got in there dad was hunched over mom crying and screaming that shes gone shes gone.  I picked dad up and tossed him out of my way so i could get to my mother.  I tried to wake her but with no luck.  I hooked my arms under hers from behind her.  In the process of picking her up I felt something warm drip down on my hands.  I didnt think anything of it at first until everyone else started freaking out.  That was the point where I just flung mom up onto her bed so I could check to see what was wrong.  She had the black death blood coming out of her nose.  Once I figured out what I was looking at I freaked out.  I became very distant and cold to everyone as well as very suicidal.  It took my friends and family a long time to get me to start coming back around and finally open up to everyone about it.  

To this very day it is still extreamely hard for me to talk about all of this without crying.  I have never fully dealt with the pain and honestly, I dont think I ever will.  I have learned how to just deal with and keep going on with my life no matter how much it bothers me and I hurt inside.

I hope this helps alot of you to understand me better.