Kandy Kisses's blog: "Just me."

I just wanted to let everyone know, that my yahoo screen name got hacked, and I don't know who did it, I can't get on my myspace anymore because that was my e-mail to sign on with. my new screen name is screaming_eagles_babe101@yahoo.com If it messed with anyone elses phone or e-mails, i am truely sorry. But I had nothing to do with it. Everyone have a Merry Christmas. ~Ambur~

The morning sun doesn't shine like it used to. It's gone from my desolate sky hidden deep within stale clouds and frozen memories that are constantly bleeding from my now frigid heart. Who am I, but a broken soul wading through recycled tears always towards a dark and ragged shoreline covered with the shattered hopes and shredded dreams that I discarded so long ago. I am lost a remnant of something left abandoned thrown away and forgotten marooned on the deserted island of my own unwanted love. I am cold alone beneath a dark and distorted sky collapsed within my own naked sobs with salty icicles cascading down my face only to drip and land into charred piles of burning ash. I am broken… …so broken.

Todays been pretty shitty. I've done so much laundry and cleaning that it's sickening. Because this morning at around 5:00am my mother wakes me up to tell me to pack my shit. Wasn't because I did anything wrong.. My dad, the useless son of a bitch that he is, has been such a prick towards my mom that he's driving her away. After 15 years of marriage. It's over... and I love my mother alot more than I do my asshole father.. So, we're moving. Where you might ask? To my roots. lol.. The good ole' town of DeSoto, Missouri. Where I went to High School, where I made all of my friends. Where I saw my very first shooting. Home. We leave tomorrow after my court date. *from which I'll get probation and nothing more* To all my Clarksville and Ft.Campbell friends, I guess this is it. We won't be able to take a bunch of our shit with us, so, you may see us from time to time. I'm sure I'll miss this place. More than a little bit. I love Clarksville. I love the people. I love my new friends. But I love my mother more. I'll be keeping up with my Myspace account, so don't forget about me. ~Ambur

Alone tonight with only dark and lonely thoughts to keep me company. I long for love... For someone to caress my soul to hold my heart in her hands and reawaken passions that have long been dormant. I have forgotten how it feels... the sweet touch of desire, the delicate taste of a forbidden kiss, the saintly sins of intimacy. oh, I am lost... forsaken... destined to live out eternity drowning within my own imagination. Remembering how it felt to hold someone within my arms and to have someone hold me. I am a wretch... a leper of romance constantly reaching for something I can't find. I can't have... but longing for it. I am drowning... drowning in regret... drowning in loneliness... drowning... Will somebody... anybody... save me?

In my childish ignorance I had no expectation No prior knowledge Of you Your power Your beauty I wept As I witnessed In one of those moments Where I felt grateful To be alive Water The most powerful Of elements Creating my own waterfall As tears fell from my eyes This wasn't the earth As I knew it It was a higher source This was mystical This was magical As rainbows criss-crossed I was alive At one with your energy I surrendered I was bewitched Never wanting to leave Wishing to stay forever Watching white horses cascade Listening to the thunder No photo could do you justice You had to experience The most awesome sensation That left an imprint on me That will last eternally My spiritual home In Iguassau Falls "Stay...be one with me." You are a fountain forever unbroken just a river of silver rushing over the luminous peak of my imagination. You are the spring always alive in passion in emotion showering me in a delicious mist while shedding the towering walls of the mountains. You are free powerful a reflection of my desire a cool indulgence clinging to my skin covering me in a glistening shroud of relentless satisfaction. You are a luscious kiss so soft and formless adhering to my lips in the secret whisper of a smile as I lie in your warmth. You are the awakening the inspiration of my dreams the ebb and flow of my heart in the ocean of my soul. You are my waterfall, flow into me.

Look deep into my eyes... No, no...deeper. Can you see it? That tiny spark There, there In the corner! Yeah, that's it. What is it, you ask? You really don't know? But, how can you not? You put it there, it's hope. Yeah it's only a glimmer for now... but every time I talk to you every time I see your smile it grows. And soon... very soon it will be hard to contain. Already I can feel it... lingering, building into something wonderful. How did you do it? Oh, don't be modest, in just a short time you have saved me. My mind, my body, my soul. What...? Oh, you don't believe me? Well, look for yourself. Yes, right there deep in my eyes. Do you see it? Do you? You look surprised! Don't be. It's beautiful... don't you agree? Yes, yes that's it... that's what it is, it's your reflection.

What is it that makes me who I am? Why so often do I feel lost? Listless... Like I'm floating on an angry ocean alone... with nothing to cling to but the last remaining logs of a raft that is held together by my fast and fading dreams. I don't know... I don't have any answers and every time I think I find one it's really only another question masquerading as some small piece of insight. I have a sail but it hangs lifeless motionless... as if time has forgotten that it even exists, as if I exist. It has been so long since I have felt the winds of hope brush against my cheek, the breath of love blow into the fabric of my heart. Aeolus, make me a zephyr so that I may fill my own sails and breeze back into the truth of who I am, so that once again I can experience life without the constant swells of the judgmental seas. Free me so that I can dream.