PTSD is a bitch. I had the first opportunity to get out of the house in months and it did'nt turn out well. Steve took his eyes off the road for a second and started veering toward a guard rail and that was all it took to send me into flashbacks and panic attacks. When I fell asleep after I got home I kept jolting awake with the flashbacks and my heart racing. Feels like electric worms are crawling through my veins. I went into a crying fit when we got home.
Then of course the guilt for ruining steve's day hit. The fear that he won't want to deal with this anymore. I definately can't live in the mountains and have any kind of life. I have to make one more doctor appointment for the Fibro/MS meds and then I won't be leaving the house again until we move I think in the spring. I'm still shaking and it's been hours.
What bugs me the most is the total lack of control. I'm kind of a control freak..not to others but I like to have control over my own mind and situations and I don't have that anymore. It's a messed up feeling. Hard to live with. I'm a very logical person and no logic will deal with this. I'm prey to my subconscious mind.
I'd go to a shrink but to get there I'd have to drive through the mountains. I'd never make it. Much longer drive than I took today. They really need to have online shrinks. Could hook up a webcam for appointments, but I hav'nt found anyone willing to do that.
The reason I left today was because if my grandson comes, I wanted to take pics of him gutting his first pumpkin LOL It made me brave my phobia...and I got the pumpkins...but payed for it. See when the Fibro/MS/nerve damage meet PTSD...it makes for an unfathomable mix of pain. I spent the past several hours, when not sleeping, wishing I could crawl out of my body.
C'est la vie eh ?
