Chaotik Element's blog: "Random Poetry"

If we should meet before I die, before I wake up once again and realize. Then you'd know, then you'd see, to try & grasp, or understand me. When I leave don't cry, don't realize it was all a lie. Realize the one who is me, has only shown you what you could be. I only show you your beautifel, I only try to catch you & break your fall. I joke around, thats true but can't you see my focal points are musically. I won't walk across the floor, when you talk to me I'll try not to ignore. All, I can do, all I can see is whats inside, this world of me. If you cry, if you scream, if you realize its not all a dream. Then as I ask,and lay down to sleep I ask for my heart and soul to keep. I've been there before and lost the pieces, my strength at times kept me from going to pieces. Kept me going, kept me believing, but at times this all looks different, so decieving. So if I die before I wake I ask once again that my heart not break.

Something reaches out towards me, I try to reach in but pure black is all I feel, all I can see. Its cold out there, I look around and wonder where this is, where I am and where this could be. I ask for another night as I try and ponder, wonder why it happens to me some nights.I feel so strange, I know its not right.

I used to look up at the sky, wonder and ask why. Some nights not sleep much at all, look for someone to hear my call. All those nights and unanswered cries inside at times ready to fall. I'm tired of this, and often don't even try. I wonder in my head often, why should I keep looking if noone accepts me? I don't try cause theres no time, no room for me to hurt. I thought it was love years ago, I was wrong. I asked to be the only guy she'd see, instead you see she lied to me. I became so hurt,I decided to be alone, and stay, instead between now and then a few friends came along my way. I'm putting one foot in front of the other, I'm hoping I've found a new other, one who won't give me shit or misery. One not to abuse a man, instead one to defend him, and to stand up and take a stand. Only time'll tell, only time can see if in a years time I'll have found her or if shes found me. If not I guess I'll go back to the boards, go back to my lyrical lab, once again forever more.

I can't sleep, somethings keeping me up this morning cause now its 3am and I'm still up with no warning. Somethings on my mind but I doubt I'll find it, instead if someone asked me whats buggin me I'd likely deny it. Its cold down here, and just as cold in my bed, its still dark out but for now theres no darkness in my head. Maybe I could write out some more lyrical flows vs trying to go back to bed, maybe I'll chat on msn or try blasting some music instead. My stomach won't settle, was it something I said? Something I thought, or something I did? I'll try to stumble around, but keep it quiet and unsound, cause shit, this time who knows whos up and around.I'm going to the couch to crash and to try, maybe I should stay up and listen to some track 8 or track 5.

The worlds moving all the time like the playing of the tunes we hear. I'm asking these questions, its not just me its we waiting to hear what the people say as we keep our feet on the ground. What have we learned, what do we know? Take your time, to learn the whole situation before you burn. Bright night light might look nice, but it does nothing for the mind, won't change what we find, what we see. Strip away the lawyers like what we know,it still doesn't figure whats behind control over the bigger picture.

He looks at himself, hes not rich, hes not perfect maybe hes not good enough for her. They talk, he could swear inside she deserves someone better then he, a guy better then me. He doesn't know what she wants, does she know what he wants or how to start doing what he wishes to do. Some call his aim, a bit too high, some call it a dream but its not yet expired. If he had a chance, what would he say, what would he do? He feels like a fool, sometimes he needs direction in what to do. He'll keep on trying, slowly dropping small clues, but if she got them he'd ask "Is there anything between me and you?" He'll push it aside, and take to the stage with this anger for not moving forward and work with his rage. Whats his range, he doesn't know, confused but those who hear this shit are often amazed.

These questions, a confession, destiny or another destination in this ever changing situation. Will they meet in time, or will it be denied like the last time he tried and felt that despite his effort he got no ride. Maybe the sun only shines on tv, maybe it'll never shine for you or me, despite how it feels this cannot be just a dream. If it is, I'll wake up, lonely and scream. Why do I get these dreams that remind me, of what is not now happening to me? Two dreams, different places, different people yet it all felt, it all seemed so real to me. As these dreams fade, I'll walk, and wonder for another day. Give me hope, give me the lucky charm to persevere and walk this path, this rope.

I feel jaded, noone else'll see. The air creeps over you and me, how long could I hold you? Looking at you softly, that way. How long could I watch you stay this way? The sun'll set on this spot, and when it gets late, we'll leave this place. It'll get dark, we'll walk back but I can't see your face clearly till the next day. The water, the sun, the reflection, after today it'll become but just another memory.

I guess I'll try to find myself on the walk, on the bus ride home. I'm walking alone, its cold, I can't feel my soul. The drinks still linger in me, tonight its all lost meaning. I won't sleep till the early morn, this won't be the last time. The drinks make me stumble, fumble, think and almost fall, I had too much to drink, too much emotion that was my fall. I'll take my time, I'll take the long ride home. I'm depressed, drunk, cold and all alone. To ease pain in my heart, it seems at the club drinks numbed my pain, they took all feeling away. I'll cover up this unhappiness in a mask. A mascarade, a fascade so the world thinks its someone else, not me.

Your crying in a slightly darkend room, I cannot see your face. Tears are dripping, in this small room, this small place. Your sobbing, why? Is it my fault, I wonder as you continue to cry. I don't know who you are, but I'll meet you in time. Something keeps me going, I'm trying, this woman is who I've been told not to find. Instead she'll find me apparently, but its hard to erase this dream from my mind. I felt the need to tell you this, I don't know what the impact is. Now you know about this dream, the noises have for now, let me go it seems. If it comes back, and happens once again to me, you will know soon and quickly. *You know who you are,and know this, it confuses me, makes me wonder why I saw you, why I was exposed to this?*