So you're tellin me a shrimp fried this rice?

I don't know who needs to hear this, but you're a really good gardener. That plant really should have tried harder.

Posed nude for an art class today, they didn't ask me to. I think they were making ceramic bowls...

Happy Easter

You are such a douchebag

I always see adults pour a glass of wine and only fill it halfway and I'm like, okay, one of us is doing it wrong and I think it's you

Watching Grease as a kid thinking I'd grow up to be Sandy, and now realizing I'm actually Rizzo

Jessie's girl was released 43 years ago. So, if she's still watching him with those eyes, she's got readers on, I just know it

Life is like a door, never trust a cow because the sun can't swim.

She has moments when she seems stable...but so does nitrogylcerine

If I had a dick, I'd definitely have tried to see how many donuts I could stack on that bad boy by now

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. I should've told her about the new electric fence...

When you ask for someone's name, you're essentially asking them what noise you should make to get their attention

If I heard the Mario coin every time I completed a task, maybe I would accomplish more

Life is like a door, never trust a cow b/c the sun can't swim

I keep saying "it is what it is"....but what even is it?

3 day weekend!!!

Wanna trade pimps?

Happy Presidents' Day!

Now for the 1/2 price chocolates!!