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1. You've gotta 'introduce' yourself to Mr. Penis, i.e., 'Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy!'. Don't dive on him like he's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.
2. When (Not 'IF') giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive 'guy'. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who 'Melts' the popsicle first is not the winner.
3. When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis is not made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, remember you are not a basketball net, and Mr. Penis is not the ball... your aim is not that good, you're 100 + Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.
4. Hand jobs - When stroking a Mr. Penis don't grab him like a bus rail and start jerking him like you were milking a cow. Don't treat Mr. Penis as a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. Remember friction is the problem... lubrication is the cure.
5. Proper care of Mr. Penis - like anyone you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of him just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him - gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.
6. If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy, refer back to step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!
7. Never, ever play 'crush the grapes' with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.
8. If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.
9. If Mr. Penis can't 'throw up' then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him... not everyone can get him to do that.
10. If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, 'Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing... drilling for oil?' Say, 'Wow you're much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?' And never, never say 'Is it in?'
