September 22, 2006, 04:29:am
I'm having trouble coming up with ideas on what to write in here. If anyone is reading and has some, feel free to send me ideas. Once I've got something to sink my mind into, I can run with it lol.
I think tonight I will talk about why I'm thinking of such silly things as my goals for when I succeed in getting the weight off.
Its because I need to look forward to something. To give myself the support I need to keep going with what I am working on. The quitting smoking right now.
If you don't have something to look forward to, in my opinion, then your chances of failure rise. I'm so used to failing myself that its easy to do. Its extremely hard to continue pushing myself towards sucess.
Some of my goals may seem a bit far fetched for someone heading into middle age and living with a friend and her family in order to get back on my feet finacially but I believe I can make some of them happen.
I also realize to why I've gone through most of my finacial problems (I screwed up big time) but everything happens for a reason. Had my life not taken such a drastic turn and I failed to be able to live on my own when I did (I made it alone for over a year, which explains to me why things went sour towards end).
Anywhoo, the reason I believe is because had I not run into problems and still be able to live on my own, I would never have had the support that I have now living here. I would have never gotten the oportunity to get the health insurance and thus the surgery I need.
In other words, I wouldn't be anywhere near what I am today and now I'm gratful to the Goddess for making my life go so bad I couldn't live on my own anymore. Because now I will have the chance at living a life that I deserve.
A life with pleasures. A life where I can enjoy things. A life with the possiblity of having a life mate show up and not spend the rest of my days alone and lonely. A life I should have had years ago.
But things happen for a reason and each step in my life that has been bad and good too, has lead to a step forward towards a life that is meant to be.
Had things not gone the way they did, starting with my mothers death, I would never be on my path towards becoming a Shaman. I would never have become a Pagan and found my Goddesses Brigit and Bastet.
I'd have never found out who I truely am! To honestly feel alive, something I don't believe I have ever been before the recent years.
For that I bow my head in humble thanks to the Lady and will never forget that everything has a reason. Even getting fat.
Had I not gotten fat, I'd more then likely not have gotten a computer. Gotten the internet. Gotten to know people from all over the world. Gotten to open my minds eye and learn all the things I have.
I'd of never gotten to where I know I will get and be able to help people. Or to brighten peoples lives with my krazy antics. Making people laugh makes me laugh.
So, for me at least, even getting fat and nearly ruining my health has had its positive steps lol.
No matter how low in life you seem to be getting,,,, no matter how hard things seem to be,,,, no matter how frustrating, aggrivating, discouraging and discusting your life may be always remember there is a silver lining in those storm clouds. No matter what religion you are, have faith in your deity and know that you will come out on top, a better purrson if you want it to be that way.
I mean really, I've been molested as a child, verbally abused, mentally abused, emtional deprivation,suffered severe long term depression, have OCD, lost my mom, aunt, and dad to cancer, lost several very dear friendships, watched my family fall apart and am facing declining health. I've spent years begging God, when I was a Christian, and the Goddess when I turned pagan to just let me die. I didn't want to live. I'd sit in hysterical tears, bashing my head in, begging for any kind of death because I was so tired of how things were.
Now look at me. I'm a blimp thats gonna live and am getting a zest for life thats not going to be beaten. Even if I don't get the surgery, I will still succeed because I want it to happen.
Even if I stay heavy, I will still succeed because I will get enough of this weight off to stop my pain and bad health and be able to do more then what I can do now.
And even on those days where I still want death, and yes it does happen on the odd occasion still, but those occasions are further and further apart, deep down I know I will survice and succeed.
Because I want and will live!
No matter how bad it gets for you, never give up on yourself.
More to be written later.
