( THIS WAS FROM A FU BLOG FROM ABOUT A MONTH OR 2 AGO,I DELETED IT BUT FIGURED LET'S GIVE IT ANOTHER WHIRL) :
So today is Thursday.
I know, a very astute observation on my part.
I'm still looking for "full time" employment....that never ending search (well that and love).
I'd like to expound and expand on my previous blog entry.
My track record with the opposite sex...or for you scientific types...bipedal sentient carbon based lifeforms of the female persuasion, has been,well, kinda crappy.
How so? Glad you asked.
Many years ago I was dating a young lady named,errr,I doubt she has internet access but to protect the innocent (and me from a slander lawsuit)..we shall call her WNY.
Now Ms.Wny was a nice girl, or so I thought. I shall explain. She came from a single mother household..had 2 brothers and one sister. The siblings all seemed to "make something" of themselves except for our dearly beloved Ms.Wny.
Now keep in mind that I'm a super uber laid back person. T shirt,Jeans,T shirt, sweat pants...that sort of thing. Yes, I used to enjoy the nightlife but staying at home watching a good flick is fine with me as well.
Anyways, Ms.Wny didn't have 2 of anything and grew up in the ghetto (kinda,sort of). No, I didn't have visions of "Pygmalion or My fair lady" in mind. We were from 2 different backrounds but so what,love is love...or so I thought.
Also keep in mind that she had to be the most lazy person I've ever met, even more than moi. She never held a job for more than a month and if the job wasn't within a 20 minute commute, it wasn't worth having. Too each his or her own. She did,however have champagne tastes on a Dr.Pepper budget. :)
Our dates were kinda amusing. I mean, I'm not saying I'm well versed or a man of fine tastes ..etc etc etc...but MS.Wny's "world vision" was the boundaries of her town and novella's on Univision / Telemundo. For example I mentioned I was reading a book about WW2..(as I'm into History)...she gave me a look of utter shock. She said.."WW2? You mean there was a WW1?".
Right.
So you see we never had any deep conversations or applied for MENSA membership either. ;)
But love being love...we carried on.
Ms.Wny loved to party. Not so much drinking per se...but loved to dance..and goto clubs. Fine, I too love to shake my groove thang too (although I dance like I'm having a full body seizure).
When at clubs, we'd dance..laugh and all that but she'd flirt (not a playful smile either) with other men. Yes, I was irked but what could I do other than tell her...please stop?
So anyways,time moves on and we'd make dates and I'd drive from my home to her town...a good half hour or more drive. Fine.
I'd get there and her mother (g0d love her), in her limited English would say "Ehhh no Ms.Wny here..she out". Yea.
So I shrugged my shoulders and off to White Castle up the road.
This happened many a time.
A few months later down the line...me and her and a good mutual friend of ours decide to goto the Tunnel Nightclub in NYC (or Neuva York for our Spanish speaking friends). The club is big,packed and loud. So far,so good. I loose track of her and my "friend". About a hr or so later I find them on a couch making out (well making out would be a nice term, a public gynecological exam would be a more apt description). ;0
I ahem and clear my throat and both parties look up. "It's not what you think Steve" or "Yo bro, I'm sorry".
Ughh huh.
I look down and walk away.
When the club closes that night I wait outside for them. Nothing was said on that long walk from 27th street to the 23rd street PATH station. Nothing was said on the path ride home, or the ride from Hoboken to West New York either. I pulled up in front of their respective apartments, looked straight ahead and waited till they left. Driving home,fast, never sounded like such a good option.
I avoided calls from her for a few weeks...which is amazing for me because I so crave human interaction and to be frank (or mary)I didn't want to be alone. So I swallowed my pride *and a few pizza's...hey,a esoteric STRIPES reference!* and let bygones be bygones.
I finally decide,against my better judgment to call her. She gets on the phone and makes me out to be the bad guy. Ughhh ok. I don't plead a case but take it non the less. Things are patched up....so I thought.
I decided one day to get 2fer tickets to a play she wanted to see. Get this, I'd even wear a tie and blow my whole meager paycheck to take her to NY,to the play,to eat, whatever. We ended up talking about this for weeks.
The big day comes along and I drive down to her house,with tie on (ewww),a few roses on the passenger seat and tickets to fore mentioned play in my pocket. I park the car...knock on the door and her Momma answers. "No Querido,she left for the weekend with some man".
My jaw hit the ground.I handed her mother the roses and slowly walked down the stairs. 1 of her brother's came running out after me,and mind you he's a big queen (ie...gay).He says (very animated like) " Steve,I love my sis and you to death but your wasting your time with her. Every time you go on a date with her and drop her off...a hr later she goes out with this guy".
I feebly smiled and said, "hey you like plays?"
He said "sure..."
I handed him the tickets and left...again for that long stretch of highway between WNY and Wayne.
Btw, I don't recommend driving while teary eyed.
Monday rolls around and my motorola startac *remember those big clunky phones?* rings. It's her with a bs story. I listened, half heartedly.
And like the putz I am...I forgave her.
I then called up my friend Juan ( a cool cat I knew since HS and probably as much of a mess as I...birds of a feather flock together?). He knew her (as they lived in the same town) and the situation at hand.
Juan's not prone to anything profound but he did say this to me :
It's better to be alone for all the right reasons then to be with someone for all the wrong ones.
Talk about gobsmacked.
He was right. How the hell could I be so stupid? Well, I guess that nobody wants to be alone...me included...but you get to the point where enough is enough.
Life moves on and so did I. A few yrs ago I heard that her older sister got married,had a kid and bought a house in the suburbs. Apparently Ms.Wny moved into the finished basement and took over the role of full time babysitter.
Do I think about her from time to time? Honestly no. I do think about how she treated me....and how I swore it would never happen again.
It did with another young lady from Hillside,NJ but that's another story for another blog.
The point is, and really, is there a point?, I put up a wall around myself to protect me. I also wear my heart on my sleeve. A oxymoron if there ever was one. I don't know and I guess I never will.
Sufficed to say I've had relationships since then...one that was 6+yrs long,with someone very special to me. Unfortunately things didn't work out...location,work conditions and so on were a major factor in ending it.
Of all the crappy,knee to the crotch endings, that's the 1 that hurt the most. The others? Yea, they sucked (for the lack of a better term)but time heals all wounds. We'll see about this one....
Well, I'm all typed out.
Perhaps tomorrow I shall relay more stories of my sordid past. Well,they're not really sordid but they do make for some good reading.
I've been on a real tear the past 2 days....
searching,scrounging,foraging...for some old house music. I must say I've been quite successful on my quest.
Here's where things get,well,weird. Well, not weird..but I tend to associate some of this music with times/places and people I knew.
I wonder what ever became of the crew I used to hang out with in West New York,North Bergen. Ahhh, the times we had.
For example,I'm currently listening to Inner Cities "Big Fun". I heard that song in 88 or so...at the Palladium (right before it closed). A few friends of mine took me there for my birthday.Soooo anyways, upstairs....they had these stadium seats. I was,well,kinda out of it (just say no kids). A young lady sat down next to me. I found that odd considering there was tons of open seats to be found.
I digress.
We talked...and then,get this, made out! Ohhhhh my! Hehe.
So yea, Sufficed to say I had a good time.
But then again listening to some of these songs really put me into a funk. Years down the line I was working for Baird Jones (NYC Party Promoter) and was working at a place,well, I forgot the name but it was at the sight of the old "Danceteria".I was working the guest list and then would go inside to hand out drink tickets. Fun. Anyways, I met this beautiful Puerto Rican girl. I made small talk,joked around and the whole night we made eye contact. Towards the end of the night, I finally mustered up enough testicular fortitude to ask for my #. Maybe the planets were all in alignment or perhaps she was a wee bit drunk,but she gave me the digits..aight. ;) The song playing , if I remember correctly was "Acid Thunder" by Fast Eddie.
So I waited a day or 2 and then called.
Sufficed to say,we started dating. She lived up in Yonkers, so it was : A. a long boring train ride up there OR B. Take the Mazda of Love up there.
We dated for a few months.
Now to the weepy part,back at the location of fore mentioned Danceteria. The whole night she was talking to this thugy sort of fellow & avoiding me like the plauge.
I said nothing as I'm not prone to start anything. At the end of the night, I approached her and said.."Ummm, well, what's happening"?
To make a long story short, it was her ex,he wanted her back and she said yes. I was crushed.
I told Baird,I quit. The song playing was "Tears" by Robert Owens. How apt.
I had the longest (to me anyways) to the 23rd street PATH train. People were all around me, laughing and carrying on and I was sitting down with my head in my hands,sobbing.
I remember a old man sitting not too far from me. He tapped me on the shoulder, I looked up with tear filled eyes. He said, "Son, what ever it is, it will pass". I managed a feeble smile and said " I sure hope so". I got into Hoboken and had the most depressing drive home.
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UPDATE - A few years ago I went to a club in NYC, called the Shelter. I ran into some old club friends...apparently my Ex got pregnant by her bf and when he heard that she was pregnant..he split.
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Anyways, music is something I use a barometer of my moods. I use it to associate with times and places. People I knew,people who died (OD'd, Suicide,etc), people I loved , places I've been and so on.
I know you can't go back. And why would I? I mean, things weren't all that great then either....
My needs then as now are relatively simple. Food,Friends,music, and yes,Love.
If someone (a diety perhaps?) came down and asked me, Steve aka Annelid aka Mud (btw, you have too many nicks...hehe)..what do you want?
It would take me a nanosecond to answer. LOVE dammit!
Someone to cry too, someone to laugh with,someone to hold hands with. To share spaghetti with, to run in the rain,etc.
That's all I want. Not the fancy car,the home, the prestigious job. Just someone to call to say, "Honey, I've been thinking about you. How was your day?"
Again, I've gone off on a tangent as I'm prone to do. Currently I'm listening to " Yazz - Stand Up For Your Love Rights". Those thoughts are flooding in again.
Sigh.
Another song that used to make me teary eyed,when dancing...is by THE NIGHT WRITERS (LET THE MUSIC USE YOU)- which is located in my STASH.
I remember dancing at the Sound Factory Bar. A small club,bodies tightly packed,moving up and down in syncopation. Blacks,whites,gays,straights, it didn't matter. We were there, we were one. Not a care in the world....until the music stopped, the lights came on and the doors opened into the cold streets.... then reality set in. We were strangers, mistrusting one another again in a big mean city.
Another song that always got me was by TEN CITY -Devotion. Wish I could find those lyrics. But I posted the song in my STASH. Listen, I mean, really listen to the Lyrics...understand them, understand me.
Current mood: angsty (and NOT EMO.heh)
