Rated "R" Blog
Current mood: forgotten
Yup. I got to thinking today. And got to ramblin' inside my head, too. So I thought I should blog about it.
Today was the official day of the Rag. I had bled Hard. And I don't usually bleed hard or have some hellacious cramps, neither or have them often, when I do have my Rag. It was a nice feeling to feel the pain of it. I usually don't bleed til like its 2 days from taking my b/c pill again. And I hate spotting...cuz I feel something is wrong with me. I mean, I am not the rip-roarin' Lucy-girl anymore...where I could get guys almost every wk to come and play with me. I feel I have been in a DEEP shell for a very long time. I want to have the active sex life again. And it seems the married ones are coming out of the wood work lately. I have no problem of relieving whatever those boys if they aren't getting some at home. I just get the "guff" from best friends saying why should I even consider it. I mean...I can't play with them or I can't play with a guy every wk or whatever the purpose or plan is and I am still called a fuckin' slut from my best friends. Sorry. That's what I am feeling from them and I have let it drop on the ground at my feet. I won't step on it, but damm...what the hell am I suppose to do? Turn into a Nun!??? I can't be player, cuz I am too REAL for that. I have decided to not be picky on who wants to play with me and whatever comes from it...everyone should all be happy. When it ends with the married ones...so be it. I have no problem with that. I RESPECT that! I don't see many of the single guys who want to get to know me or come to see me and play with me...just can't or won't. I am not going to go chasing anyone...aren't they suppose to be Chasing me? Wanting me? Interested in me? I have already wasted a part of my life with certain guys in my life and they didn't work out. I am still friends with them, but some are "distant" with me lately. So I have take that and stick in that back file and say..."Just wait awhile, again."
Wow! Gone on a tangent, didn't I?
Yeah, its been buggin' me. Its what I can get at the moment. And the last 2 times with the young married ones have been disappointments. I should have followed instincts on them, but I couldn't just get in there jump each other's bones like I could do back in the day. I need to talk and try to get comfortable. That's where I feel I am fucked up and hiding in a DEEP shell. Its when I offer to give a massage that gets me very comfortable with that person...and it is nice beginning. Its in working order to come out of the shell, but once naked and comfortable...everything is all fine. But then doubt myself afterwards...and thru-out the fucking days. And when I don't hear from them...I get so fuckin' paranoid that it was all me and I did something wrong. Then when I do hear from them...I realize I worried for nothing.
I haven't had a lot of "good" happen in my life lately. So maybe this is why this is happening to me lately. I don't rightly know, but Gods, its Frustrating!!! I can't have the friends with benefits, cuz I will be called a whore or whatever. But when guys have friends with benefits...they are not called Dogs or Players...they just is...ya know? I know of some guys that were Dogs in their days. I can understand that...I was once a Whore. I can freely admit that now. But I don't want to be that now...I would love to have several guy friends with benefits and no drama, ya know?
I remember in my Whore Days...that their were a few guys that fell in love with me. But I didn't love them back. I have only fallen in love, truly, deeply in love like 5 times in my life. And I have had to turn it away and move on and make what I could make at the time, my marriage worth it. Fight for it. And Hell...Look where it got me!?!? It hurts losing the ones I have fallen for and those very few that have kept in contact with me...haven't lately. So. I feel quite alone lately. And still have my doubts that Someone will just fall into my lap kind of thing. Its just kind of nice to kiss a guy and get a reaction out of them...its nice to have that feeling rise out of my heart and have that orgasmic feeling within me for a few days. And "jerkin' off" is just not quite workin' for me lately...
I am Female.
I am Woman.
I don't come with a Rule Book, but I do come with Feelings!
And I need to express my Feelings, sometimes.
Can all or anyone know where I am coming from? Or understand what I am trying to Xpress here? I do hope so...
Yes, a Very Rated "R" Blog.
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By Frou Frou
Release date: 2002-08-13
