4EVER YOURS life isnt giving or takingli...'s blog: "Eulogy of the Saddened Soul"

All she ever asked " " Was that so hard to do? Now all she can say is " " And I'm wonderin why you don't even care. Is all I ever see in her...all I hear when she cries cuz of how many lies you've promised and how many times you've torn her apart inside. I don't really think so...and if it's true than you got a fucked way of puttin it through. Yeah I know she spits the message right back but maybe just maybe that's cuz you caused her to crack. and the only thing I see you riskin is money and time and the life that you seem to want so badly that you'd do nothing for. and you...you about killed her. But you can't even see that what you did made her stronger and made her realize that she doesn't need anyone...not even you...at all anymore. And I'm so afraid that one of these days you're going to hurt her so bad that she's gunna say " " and when I find her all that's gunna be left is a message saying " ." Tryin to bandage the places that won't ever heal...tryin to fix every broken heart you leave her with...you know it's really gettin old and I'm gettin tired of it. I'm gettin tired of the jealous trips and the bullshit fits. I don't like bein a pawn in your game usin me to get your way. And more than anything I'm gettin fed up with the way you treat her like a wind-up toy...toss her out and chew her up...you don't care as long as you get your way...that's the only time I see you act like you love her. You know sometimes I wish you would walk away. I'll never ask cuz hell maybe who knows if things will ever work out it ain't up to me to say. It isn't my life though it affects it every day. You don't ever have to see the pain and misery...you don't have to live day to day with someone sittin there tryin with everything they have to please somebody who puts them on ignore and throws their heart in the trash can. You don't ever have t oworry bout how much hell you put her through cuz all you gotta do is get a little pissed off and make her say she's sorry then it's all over and she swallows down another ounce of a bitter poison pill. It's supposed to be a two way street and all I see is a one way avenue with a dead end sign. Livin insida it's like livin in a hurricane. Some days the eye's right over ya and other you're caught in the fury of the storm. She says she wonders if you even see but I don't think that you'd care enough even if ya did cuz lord knows she's told, heavens knows she's tried, you just hear and brush on by expecting that she's gunna be there for you every day no matter what ya put her through no matter what ya say. She tells me it's as much her fault as it ever will be yours that she does the same damn things and you can't lay any blame. But hell how much can a person change for somebody else who keeps stayin the same? Ya see I've noticed a difference since I first been here she hangs around ya more and she keeps tryin to please ya however she can. But your blind to it all, to everything...you keep askin for more and you never give a thing. You're the exact same now as you were when we started...you've left an angel beaten down, worn, and broken-hearted. Do you know the tears that she cries for you? I do..they rip my fuckin heart in two. See I watch my love lovin someone else...which I don't care...that's who she is and I love her for herself. But I watch her other love growin dimmer and dimmer and I watch her try to resurrect somethin that's eventually gunna kill her. I don't get you...it's all bout what's good for you. See you say she doesn't know how to show her love but she's always tryin to please you and she's always sayin she loves you...doesn't she cry when you get into fights? I think you just want someone that you can break and so far I'm scared that you're doin great. I don't know how to help her and I can never heal her pain I can only ever offer two arms that pray they can numb it, they can help out somehow. God dammit man can't you see how you're killin her? I ain't sayin I don't have my faults...I don't have a job and I been here almost three months. I frustrate her cuz the things I say...cuz I don't seem to listen...cuz I forget so easily. I get under her skin cuz I always asks how she feels...when she'd rather be left alone I always try and draw a little too close. I become too distant when I talk to my folks. But see here's a twist I'm willin to change...I won't talk to the parents and I'll try to stay away. I'm doin everything I can to listen a little more...and anything she says that irritates her I try to watch a little closer. And you...you would rather live inside of a screen wastin all your money throwin life down the drain. You'd rather have the old her instead of the new...you can't love the changes, can you? I wonder where it's all gonna end up cuz I can't see you ever changin to meet her needs even though she always changing to meet yours and even though damn near everything about our life is about helpin her try to satisfy you. Even though she's always talkin bout how you make her feel. In closin all I've got to say is I'm hangin on with everything in me. I don't really care how much I can't stand you and I don't care that I get sick every time you're near. I don't care that you make me feel like I'm never good enough and I don't care that I can't ever be your friend. I'll stick through hell just to be by her side all I care about is that you make her cry. You break her down and she's almost all used up...I don't see how she hangs on but that's just her. I just want you to know that you're startin to get old...I wish I could make you stop treatin her this way.