Deacon Songs's blog: "another poem"

I wish that i could stop looking behind me

I always feel like my past is right beside me

But nobody know what the future holds

I try to look ahead but i just cant see past my own nose

I tend to feel the scars deep in my soul

And it renders me incapable of growth

Somehow, someway, I need to let it go

these bags are heavy and they make me slow

some days i feel like they dont even exist 

I guess thats why my hands are closed fists

Maybe i should open my heart and not my mouth

My eyes wide shut as I try to look about

these fears burn inside of me and scream my name

So much more I try to be, only myself to blame

when i fail to find peace with in

but where do I begin

 

I am only flesh and blood

 

finding within myself a part of me that shouldn’t be

molded out of pain and many sufferings

shadowing in the darkest corners of my soul defining me

capable of compassion and many ugly things

scratched upon the walls of this box are my insecurities

there is a sense of security in being lonely

that velvet box that once contained my soul is

crumpled up like tumble weed and rolls when pain blows

all sides frayed and torn, like a flag after the storm

 it no longer keeps me warm

 

 

I am broken shards of glass strewn across a barren waste land

as I’m offered a gentle manicured hand

just out of reach from where i lay broken and scarred

gazing up into a place I’d rather be but it’s too hard

retreating to a corner of my desolate illusion

no longer feeling a pulse for I'm too numb

the over whelming silence is so surreal

after construction of a box made of concrete and steel

sitting in solitary confinement  diluted by alcohol

there is no window and the end of that hall

with no entry nor escape my phobias keep me company

turning hate and rage in on myself eventually

destruction of this armor that protected me

the air on my wounds provides me with an epiphany

smear a smile on my face and a tear on my cheek

now it hides the pain from which I do not speak

sit before you stand when you lay flat on your back

walls cannot protect because the pain is being stacked

sitting inside a sandbox of pain saturated by tears

are you focused on the weight paralyzed by fear?

the voice echoes inside the chamber until I understood

as I brushed the sand off my chest, I felt good

Outside

Sometimes my guilt eats away at me

Sometimes your tongue is so angry

At times it seems that can’t make headway

When I struggle with things to say

 

Your walls are built so high

And I understand why

I can’t take back the things I’ve done

What the hell have I become?

 

I always feel I’m on the outside

I’m struggling to get inside

I know I’ve hurt you

It seems like that’s all I do

I’m struggling on the outside

Nothing seem to work out right

I know I’ve hurt you

I don’t know what to do

 

Sometimes the pain goes away

But then I become angry

I can’t find the right things to say

I know that I am the one to blame

 

My walls are built so high

I know you understand why

I can’t forget the things you say to me

I haven’t become what I want to be

I feel like my own enemy

I let you get away from me

I can see you’re just like me

 

I always feel I’m on the outside

I’m struggling to get inside

I know I’ve hurt you

It seems like that’s all I do

I’m struggling on the outside

Nothing seem to work out right

I know I’ve hurt you

I don’t know what to do

YOU

I can still see you,

When I close my eyes

Where are you tonight?

Are you alright?

 

I still miss you,

When I open my eyes,

I can’t make up my mind,

And now I must confess.

 

After what you did to me,

I want you anyway,

Even after you lied to me

I want you anyway,

You’re no good for me

But I miss you anyway,

Maybe I’m just lonely,

I resent you anyway.

 

I can see your face,

When I close my eyes,

I wish you here tonight,

Everything would be alright.

 

If I could be with you,

I would give you my last breath,

Or my heart right out my chest,

And now I must confess,

 

After what you did to me,

I want you anyway,

Even after you lied to me

I want you anyway,

You’re no good for me

But I miss you anyway,

Maybe I’m just lonely,

 I despise you anyway.

 

 

 

I believe, you became complacent,

I can’t relieve, my resentment,

I want you

And I don’t know why

I need you

And I don’t know why

I resent you

For feeling like this,

I hate you

For feeling like this,

I despise you

For making me feel like this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I could wrap up all the lies you told,

and sum it up in these simple words,

youre not the person i thought you were,

its ok maybe its my mistake,

dont you worry, my heart didnt break,

the deception is so transparent now,

my recollective sight can see it somehow,

now go away,

im not mad i just need to say

now go away

I can see all the games you played,

now go away

I didnt let you break me down,

so just go away.

all the sneaky little things youve done,

and it seemed like you had fun,

how you told my friends we were in love,

I really dont know where that came from,

and told them to stay away from me,

is that the price for the gifts you gave me?

im not the type to complain and gripe

but I see it all in hind site,

I look through all your deceit,

just do a favor for me....and go away

I can see your face when i close my eyes you match the vision in my head I've dreamed someone like you would come into my life I've prayed for you time and time again I long for the sound of your voice its not like i have a choice I constantly think about you theres nothing else i can do I get this feeling inside when i think about you its something i cant ignore I know theres things in this world that you cant explain your eyes relieve all my pain I've always known it was you even before i met you i don't much believe in fate i guess its never too late I got the chills the first time i saw you you were the girl I've seen in my dreams I knew right then id have to have you my life will never be the same I've always know how you'd be Ive always know you'd love me your eyes are all that I've seen you've always been in my dreams you're in my dreams

i just wrote this in the 10 minutes before i posted it. i dont know if it will make any sense, but if it does, im sorry if you have ever had to feel this way. if you tell me it has ended ill try to hide my smile if you tell me it was you that did it and believe it was because you're wicked i will try to hide my internal desire that would be the chance to hold you in my hands its probably better this way i have only the wrong things to say i might tear apart your soul and you'll never be the same stay away from me if you love your self its pain in which i breed but if its pain in which you need let me take you in my wings we could see so many things i'd hope it wont distract me from attending the finer things i hope you learn to fly all on your own and know your own way home i cant seem to hold on to anything so just keep your everything i dont want to drop you plunging back to the earth i dont want to drop you this has been my curse i just may destroy you i will try not to i cant hold on to any thing because my wings are weak