There but for the Grace of God go I
Today I was contemplating writing about all the wonderful things that had been going good in my life when I got an IM from my first ever online friend. I was telling him about my son graduating from high school and that my daughter had flown to see her dad on Wednesday, etc…and I asked how he had been since I hadn’t seen him on line in months. He said, “The last 6 months have been grueling.” I asked why. He said, “I don’t know if I told you or not but my son died.” Of course I was shocked and said what happened? He said his 18 year old senior son had killed himself in his own bedroom apparently after he found out his girlfriend was cheating on him and he was having problems with his mom (who ironically cheated on his dad). He said he had to go and would talk to me later about it.
While I have never met the young man that passed, I can’t stop crying because of all that I know of him through his father. And knowing that our sons, Thomas and Tyson, were the same age over the last 6 years, we have swapped many stories about them. With that being said, some of my tears are of joy that my own son is still alive when he could have done the same thing. Thomas was headed down the path of self destruction yet turned his life around to graduate this year and has made an adult decision to go into the military.
And I have some tears for myself as I know just how this young man felt with the humility and betrayal by the one he loved. I was at that point of wanting to end my life and strange as it may seem, my son called and talked me through it. He called from Florida while I was in Virginia next door to my ex mother in law’s house. I was right there folks….right there. The other thing that saved my life right there in that week was a book that I had bought for my ex. The title of the book, “Shut up, stop whining and get a life” by Larry Wingett. I went through and highlighted stuff in it and gave it to my ex anyway. (snicker) Oh and the ex ended up marrying the home wrecker some time in the last couple of weeks. Whatever, it’s beside the point right now.
I guess the difference between being 18 and at the time for me 37 was the 20 years of experience that has shown me that this too shall pass. I have grown so much in the 3 years since dad died and Gary left. Today is the 3rd anniversary of the day I buried my father. I know the grueling time Steve spoke of however, I can’t quite know what it is like to bury a child that I have known and loved for 18 years. My parents could have empathized with him as they have had to lay my brother Stephen Michael to rest however, I can not.
What I can offer Steve right now is exactly what he gave me six years ago after my mother died. That is unconditional friendship, love and acceptance of him no matter what kind of mood the grief brings. It was really strange having someone from Utah giving me strength along the distance but he did. I had never met this person yet we were bonded through the net. He eventually came to meet me in person exactly two years to the day before his son passed. It’s weird how things work.
With that being said, I want all of my “net” friends to know that I’m grateful for having “net met” you. I feel as though you are a true friend whether we have met in person or not. I feel your joy and your pain as if you lived next door to me for years. I want you to know that all that you have given to me in the form of support, prayer and encouragement did help me to rise to greater levels of myself as I hope I have raised you.
From the bottom of my heart, I wish to thank each and every one of you for being my friend. I love you all,
Clara
