i can't take it anymore. the thoughts haunt my sleep, my dreams, my every waking moment. i wake up wondering what happened. i go to sleep, on the nights when i'm lucky enough to sleep, and i keep seeing the life carlitos never got to have.
i can't take not knowing what happened and now it's in writing that everything is unknown. carlos got the death certificate back and it says "unknown". how can it be unknown when someone else was there? how can that person live with the truth and see how much it not being said hurts everyone else? why can't he just be a man and tell us what happened? either carlitos fucked up or he didn't, it's as simple as that.
i live my life as normally as possible but there are moments like this when i feel so unbelievably sad. i can't help but cry. it's not fair to his memory that we don't know what happened to him. it's not fair to his parents who lost their only child to live the rest of their lives not knowing. it's not fair because someone does know. he knows and he won't give any of us that peace of mind. the only thing left that we desperately need in order to heal. why won't he just tell us? what kind of coward is he? first he uses his younger cousin as a therapist, walks all over him, and now he hides the truth behind the most horrible situation. i just can't bear it. i really can't.
i keep telling myself that everything is getting better. that i feel better. that i'm not sick because of this. i keep myself occupied with the thing i love to do more than anything else, cook. but then, when i'm working on a new recipe or just smashing garlic, i think of him and the things i was able to teach him. he'd never cooked before and i taught him how. he'd never used garlic or onions and i showed him how to cut them and peel them. he'd never cooked with habanero peppers and i showed him what to do. it just makes me miss him more.
