Chapter 13 Mr. Bubble
PHEW!...no sign of the Hatfields at the pool so they pull into the now permanently christened Deliverance Holler parking lot. A bit shell-shocked Patsy mumbles something about a bath...NOW! "What the Mistress desires the Mistress shall have" he says in the most grotesquely fake British accent he can muster, accompanied by an obsequious bow holding the Mr. Bubble box to his chest as if it were a royal decree to be delivered to Parliament immediately.
While Patsy dumps their recently purchased items out haphazardly on the bed Nate makes his way back to the bathroom to start her bath for her. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and notices his expression first...relaxed....then he notices his slightly messy hair & shirt unbuttoned lower than usual. Those things would have been unacceptable even a few days ago...ODD! Even his face appears chiseled instead of outright gaunt....a little pink sneaking in to cancel out the sallow tone he had grown so used to.
"A TOAST MY LIEGE!" he hears bellowed from the room in an even WORSE British accent that really sounded more like Julia Child. She has two plastic motel tumblers full to the brim with Jack Daniels when he returns and hands him one of them VERY carefully...almost comically slow. He raises it just as carefully and toasts...
"Toooo........SPELUNKING!!!!!!!!!
"BRAVO SIR!
They both take a long pull of whiskey, then cough & shake in unison. Patsy's bath is nearly ready so she trundles off to the bathroom with only the tumbler in hand....no change of clothes...no make-up. As Nate hears her banging around clumsily and talking to herself in the bathroom he turns on the TV to distract himself while she is gone....keeping the volume low in case she needs anything.
As if he had accidentally fallen asleep and was dreaming, all of a sudden the bathroom door opened with a huge puff of steam wafting in along with that wonderful soapy smell. She emerges with wet stringy hair, a bright red face from the heat, raccoon eyes from mascara that didn't completely wash off and wearing a towel that is REALLY too short to serve the function of covering a grown woman's ass properly.
Nate sees her and immediately puts his face in his hands pretending to rub his eyes. He wonders how the hell he is going to keep his shit together with her traipsing around in a bikini later...maybe he should have insisted on the Mormon one piece. He hasn't seen her in a swim suit since High School and back then it it gave him an embarrassing chub....no different now apparently! He quickly crosses his legs to squeeze off any chance of going full on salute and coughs out...
"News or Jeopardy?"
"OOOOHHHHHH Alex please! You know he sleeps in the buff?
"I did NOT need to know that Pats..."
She notices that her Sharpie star has mostly washed off, so while Nate is distracted with the remote she quickly traces over it while pretending to fumble with something in her bag. She slips on her robe over the towel and plunks down next to him on the bed as he scoots over to give her more room. They both settle into drinking, smoking (he only smokes when he drinks) and watching Jeopardy....the only real noise being the occasional shouted out answers of "WHAT IS......WHO IS...etc..."
They both have the same goal now...get absolutely blind sloppy drunk.
Chapter 14 Sharpie Star
"SOOOOOOO...drunk enough yet to spill the beans?"
"ALMOST! I think I hate her Pats"
"HATE!...well that's a very strong word...doesn't love have to be there first for hatred to exist???"
"BULLSHIT!!!!....why do people keep SAYING that....jeeeeezus I hate Bill O'Reilly and don't remember ever loving his pasty flabby turkey neck Irish ASS!"
Patsy literally falls off of the side of the bed laughing. She LOVES him when he's drunk...he gets really mean and uses tons of adjectives to describe things and people. Usually he keeps it all bottled up inside so it's fun for her to watch it all tumble out like a huge canister of colored Pick Up Stix. As she painstakingly pulls herself back on the bed she grunts out...
"WWEELLLLLL.....you were head over heels drooling all over her last I saw!!!!!!!"
"I KNOW!......there ARE things I love about her uummm..."
He begins ticking off her lovable traits one by one on each finger as if he were counting for a three year old...
"ONE!....natural blonde.......TWO!...natch D cup...THREE! long legs FOUR! tiny feet and hands FIVE!.....never heard her fart not even ONCE!"
As if on cue Patsy raises one ass cheek off the bed and rips a particularly flappy loud one with plenty of bass...
"Did you notice those were all things about how she looooooks......and smells?????"
They both cackle wildly as he stumbles to open the window, wafting the fart air out theatrically with both arms.
"Well yes now that you mention it I AM a disgusting chauvinist PIG!"
"So what's to hate then???...can't stand Farcy myself but I don't want to fuck her spray painted ass!"
"I guess...the more I get to know her I just don't LIKE her......ONE!......she's reeaally DUMB.......TWO!....she's weak...THREE! she's boring FOUR! she talks to kids like they're imbeciles... FIVE!........she's gonna be a really....*hiccup....SHITTY MOM......*burp SIX!..pretty sure she's still sleeping with Shithead...*hiccup"
Patsy holds up her hand with the Sharpie star on it and waves it maniacally in the air...
"I'll give you THREEEEEEEEEEEEE guesses!!"
"Is the kid mine........right?"
She nods in an exaggerated way that almost knocks her over again...
"I have nooooooooooo fucking idea......*burp...Pats"
"TIME FOR SPREERLINKING....SPLOOLUNKING.......fuck where's my bikinini????"
They sloppily change into their suits tripping over themselves several times...wobble tip toe their way to the pool carrying their diving equipment and bottle of Jack, giving up entirely on the plastic tumblers having sat on one previously. They whisper yell at each other the entire way to be quiet while stubbing their toes on pool loungers and just NOTHING sometimes. Patsy has an unlit cigarette precariously hanging from her lips as she hisses....."thuuuut uuuup!" Nate has her pack and lighter tucked in the back of his speedo, which of course he forgets about until he sits at the edge of the pool which in turn makes him yelp AND sets off another round of whisper yelling.
Patsy makes a run for it and jumps in splashing Nate with a cannonball.......she ALWAYS goes first....all he could see for a few seconds was her unlit cigarette floating on the top.
Chapter 15 Jacques Cousteau
