*Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
*When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
*It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
*When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
*Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
*Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
*Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.
*Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
*Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
*M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
*Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
*The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
*Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
*Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
*Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
*Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
*Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
*Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
*Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
*Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
*Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
*Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
*Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
*Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
*Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
*If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
*When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
*Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
*Chuck Norris' house does not have security guards. Rather, he employs a single man in uniform to lead burglars to his bedroom, where they are never heard from again.
*If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
*Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
*Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
*Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
*Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
*Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
*If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
*Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
*On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
*Chuck Norris can speak braille.
*Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
*Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
*Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
*Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
*Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
