After a short time I've noticed certain types of behaviour apparent in virtual groups, whether the community's discussion is centred around lighting bananas on fire and throwing them at building inspectors, or discussing medical benefits of implanting deep electronic brain probes to solve disorders of the nervous system. After giving this extensive consideration, I've taken 3 minutes to come up with 8 distinct online community personas:
The "Attention Monkey" (AM) - This person is terminally lonely and for good reason. When you read the AM's posts you get the impression he was tied to a street sign with his cheap woollen scarf on his way home from school. Every day. The AM offends 8 out of 10 people consistently. If someone said, "I think Nelson Mandela's speech yesterday was outstanding! He completely understands the disenfranchised and addresses these issues with compassion, grace and dignity." The AM will say, "I dunno, he probably should still be in prison. Maybe Mandela's really a jerk underneath it all". The AM posts on every thread in a community but adds nothing to the discussion. The AM also starts blogs asking why the check out girl took too long at Tesco's. The AM is about as appealing as an oozing leper at a baby shower.
The "What-You-Don't-Know-Is...." (WYDKI). - As the name states, this person will tell you what you don't know and fill in where he or she thinks they can offer superfluous information. A community thread could be going along just fine with fun banter and casual conversation when suddenly WYDKI decides to explain the Cartesian implications of "going out on a Friday night". The WYDKI is constantly monitoring social discourse for an opening, and was probably neglected as a child by people who understood the value of time. What you don't know is, these WYDKI people are online 17 hours each day and wear very little clothing. Mainly just hats.
The "Unsolicited Peacemaker" (UP) - This person shows up and tries to smooth things over just when a blog thread gets interesting. When the people commenting get so angry at each other - making up swear words and stringing together curses even Caligula would have found useful - the UP offers amateur pop psychology and really bad song lyrics. It is apparent the UP spent most of his teenage years as a go-between in lovers' quarrels and never developed his own identity. Usually the UP has a non-existent libido and thus quoting Elton John or Cliff Richard after each appeal for online community peace. The UP thinks strong language directed at his effort is a badge of honour.
The Not-Quite-Sure-About-This-Guy (NQS) - This person is always showing up on a thread and offering nothing relevant. The blog could be about the consequences of replicating the DNA of oak trees and the NQS will jump into the thread and reminisce about his vacation in Istanbul where his appreciation for publishing first person narratives about the succulent olive first became apparent. As a child, when the teacher would practice word association with the class and say "Dog", the NQS would always say "Man Ray" when the rest of the 8 year-olds responded with "Cat". Don't give the NQS person your email address. Ever.
The Overly-Familiar-Dude (OFD) - This is the person who is convinced he's everyone's new best friend. The OFD shows up in a blog conversation and calls people "hun" and "babes" and "buddy". I am convinced in his youth OFD was dropped on his head so often that he is actually receiving microwave transmissions of alien communication from distant galaxies. The OFD grew up thinking he was smooth, that the ladies loved him and the guys wanted to hang out with him always. It is acceptable to avoid or ignore the OFD as he won't notice and certainly won't be offended. But he will keep trying to be "your bud" regardless of thinly veiled threats involving a cricket bat to his lower spine.
The Usually Drunk Person (UDP) - This online community participant blames everything on going out to get drunk, on being hammered, or suffering a hangover. When UDP was a kid his or her mother constantly wrote notes to the Headmaster on why their child had to bring medication (decongestant or nasal spray) to school. The mother also asked for their child to opt out of any organized physical activity. Since the UDP was so heavily dependent on excuses and a little "pick me up", their contributions to the blogging community are one or two lines about how they cannot contribute appropriately because they are - yes, drunk. In reality they are bank presidents and librarians.
The My-Life's-A-Mess-Treat-Me-Special (Special) - The Special is a classic in any community. This man or woman will post aggressively on a thread, but when 18 people call the Special a nasty name for being unkind, the Special will post a follow up blog about how poorly their day went. They will usually try to come across as wonderful people but misunderstood or going through a "trying time at the moment". As a child, the Special was angry at everyone and no one wanted to play with him. The Special would make up excuses for why they acted a certain way and asked for "special" treatment from others. The Special needed his arse kicked in a big way but no one could be bothered. Most Specials are professional politicians with fetishes involving SCUBA equipment.
The Severely Amateur Standup Comic (SASC) - I saved my favourite for last. The SASC is a given in any community and is always out of place. To him the world is a stage for oyster impersonations. I will give the SASC credit for being persistent. As a 3rd grader, the SASC was beaten repeatedly on the playground by stocky 5th graders for starting every conversation with: "Take my wife. Please." Perpetually minded by baby-sitters, this child was put in front of the television so his minder could talk to her boyfriend on the telephone for several hours. The SASC watched bad comedy movies and lame sitcoms more than taking part in actual conversations. On serious threads the SASC will ask, "How many Moderators does it take to screw in a light bulb?" When his online community account access is blocked, he just moves on to the next one. If the SASC was an animal in a zoo, he would be dismembered immediately by the alpha males just to briefly amuse the females.
