Well, like i said earlier, dennis was on another one of his "why he loves me trips".... i was like, uh huh yeah, right whatever... then I got a chance to talk... and got to really express how much hatred I had for him and his mother for taking Natasha away from me when she was a baby. I had done nothing wrong. I love my daughter. She is my life (and of course lexi is now, too). But they had me arrested and while i was in jail went to court to get custody taken from me and given to his mother... she took my baby... they lied to the court, told them I was using drugs, and drinking in front of my daughter, drunk while trying to take care of her, physically, sexually, and emotionally abusing her... Which was all total bullshit, but i was in jail, i couldn't defend myself... looked bad for me... and I lost my baby.... they fucked me over royally.... I never got to see Tash, they said they were scared I would hurt her.... WTF??!?!!!??? I can't even spank her without feeling guilty!!!!!! So i had "supervised" visitations for 30 m a week. One day, 30 m... after 3 months, i got 1 hour.... one day... a week... 4 hours, a month... thats all i got to see my daughter... For the first year of her life, i was there every moment... i was up w/ her for literally 3 weeks straight... maybe a few minutes to sleep between feeding (since i breastfed) and diaper changes... and clothing changes from spitting up... i was an amazing mother for only being 18.... my grandma finally let me sleep one night, for a few hours.... and stayed with Tash... She was my world... i would be up watching her sleep, and just cry, because i had never felt so much love... and for someone so small.... And they just took her... lied... and took her... How it happened, and why no one thought to drug test me, or anything, I don't know.... his mother is very convinving and paid out a lot of her new husbands 401k to hire a damn good attorney... who got me on the stand CUSSING at her cuz i was sooo upset... who would blame me... they took my baby... i had to hand her to a sheriff... just hand her over.. she cried... and screamed... "mommy no"... over and over.... I passed out... literally... i will never forget that moment... my baby was gone... i didn't know what was happening to her, i didn't know where she was... someone else, some psychotic redneck white trash piece of oklahoma shit was raising my baby... my little girl.... and i never saw her, when i did she was all dirty and icky, and i couldn't talk to her... and dennis was all part of it... and him and his mother can't see why i can't just get over it... everytime i look at them, i see missing out on 10 months of my daughter's life... i hate them, with everything in me... to the point i can't describe it... yet i do very well considering all... i dont' saw anything when his mother wants to hang out w/ the girls... i'm nice, i'm cordial... hell sometimes, i even fake some smiles and laughs.... they took my baby... my children are my life... they're all i have.... i still have nevr gotten over that pain... i lost quite a bit of my sanity during that time.... i fought so hard... to gain nothing... my little girl was growing up and i never saw it... once, on a visitation... she screamed cuz i was taking her... my little daughter... screaming because i was taking her.... that was the first time i got to take her for overnight (which only happened a few times before his mom started in with her bullshit) by the 3rd of 4th visit... sh would scream when i handed her over to dianne (his mom)... i would have to listen to my daughter scream cuz i had to leave her...my little baby... i had to leave her... it was so hard on me... i couldn't stand it... i hurt so bad. I would sit and cry for hours after that, unable to do anything.... greatest diet in the world... all i did waslay in bed and cry... go to work, cry, come home, lay in bed and cry, and sometimes, drink myself happy... it's possible, i swear... No one can understand that pain, until they have felt it... my life was ripped away from me.... i finally got to explain that to dennis... for once, he listened, and i think he really understood what i meant... i can't trust him due to it, and i don't love him, i hate him too much to be able to love him. I think he understands.... we were joking around, and being cordial with one another. So, hopefully, this is a good sign... i won't hold my breathe... but I'll hope it is...
