Does anyone actually read these things? If your eyes have brought you this far perhaps my hours on CT have not been completely wasted and I have met someone who truly seeks to have a better understanding of who I am,and that thought alone leaves me with a smile…thank you.
“Mundis Ex Igne Factus Est”…The world is made of fire…Life is born of struggle and striving, true joy and understanding do not come from comfort and safety; they come from epiphany, enlightenment born in exhaustion (and not exhaustion for its own sake). Safety and comfort are mortal dangers to the soul. No good “painting” or monumental moment ever came easily to me; the good, the great ones were always battles.
Fighting is a way to feel, the ultimate eruption of emotion unparalleld—to fight is a way to force something to happen. When I fight I know something has happened. How many days of your life pass by that you could take or leave when nothing really happened? The fight is promised moments committed to memory. In my mind you have a specific responsibility to existence—to taste, touch, feel, and smell what there is to experience. You have to do everything. If given an option between doing something and not doing it, you have to do it; because chances are you have done the “not do it part” too often in life, there is always an excuse. I feel I owe it to myself to be curious. Somebody once asked me if I was looking for something. I am looking for everything. I want to experience it all. Any other way is to dishonor myself, thus with each step I take I secure self knowledge and grow as a person…mad to many…but always a better man inside.
What is like to meet a man on open ground, a man who is ready for you, training for months to hurt you, a man your equal in most measurable ways. Real bravery, courage is something that must be proved, never to be inherited, never to be given, not a birthright or to be defined by economic or social standing but only to be proven through your own volition.
In my pocket I carry a quote….
“Bullfight critics, ranked in rows
Crowd, the enormous plaza full
But only one is there who knows,
And he is the man that fights the bull”
I have always wanted to be “the one who knows” To me that quote isn’t about critics, performers or artists. The man in the ring, the arena, the cage…knows. And not just about that particular fight and whether or not he did a good job…he knows. Make no mistake, your character; all of your talent, flaws and emotions unfold to expose themselves in fighting. You will see truth in yourself. A chance at euphoric release from fear to realize your place as predator and the savage joy of survival of self. There is so much more to it all then what people see with just their eyes “ Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel. Everyone sees what you appear to be, few really know who you are. Its extraordinary how we go through life with eyes half shut, with dull ears, with dormant thoughts. Perhaps its just as well: and it may be that it is this very dullness that makes life to the incalculable majority so supportable and so welcome…it is so much more than just a fight, the actual fight is the easy part—if the fight was all there was to it, it just wouldn’t be worth it. It’s not about the admiration or respect of others, its all about self respect an innate hatred of fear and a need to conquer self. Its not just a fight, but a celebration of courage through months of preparation and emotional storms most could never comprehend and in the end even the losers are honorable warriors.
I am much more than the egoist many see, more than some savage with a lust for violence though I admit that it does dance within me but in the words of Churchill “ Often I have laughed at cowards that thought themselves kind simply because they had no claws”. I am intelligent, more than most will ever be given the chance to recognize, educated with 2 different degrees I believe I could have done whatever I want with my life, but in this journey we all travel through the years I have found nothing more challenging, more pure, more character building than to fight. Nothing has yet to compare to the peak of finely disciplined aggression, passion as it dances unadulterated…but I am always looking. Once you have done it the volume on everything else in life just gets turned down. It takes much more more than a hunger to live to fight…you have to be starving. Fighting provides me with the one thing I need in life…purity of purpose. The disciplined body assumes the essential postures of the mind; aggressive and defensive, elusively graceful yet savage, beautiful swifts of emotional direction or struggling with all its resources against a resistant but until the end, alterable reality. A great fighter redefines the possible.
In the end of it all mastery of fear, to swim the uncharted deep waters of the human soul, ego is left behind for its not about proving masculinity, it all leads to nobility of character. Its about knowing yourself, testing yourself, pushing yourself further and not being afraid of defeat for your heart is pure knowing you will rise to face the next challenge life confronts you with and do it with a little smirk upon your lips. It dates back farther than the written word, exists in every culture, the ancients speak of the fight and coming face to face with divinity to be reborn a new man. It is the quest to acquire self knowledge and understanding, a chance to really take your own measure…”Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go” If you put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits, only plateaus, and I will go beyond them, I will touch the stars…Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, a day or a year but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. That surrender, even the smallest act of giving up, stays with me. So when I feel like quitting, I just have to ask myself which I would rather live with…and I know…there is no better way to die than to die in the midst of battle, fighting until the very end.
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.—EE Cummings
