donkey kong...the epic struggle of a plumber climbing ladders, riding elevators, jumping over barrels, hitting firey-things with big hammers, and giving a giant ape a concussion in an attempt to save a ratty-lookin' damsel in distress. really, is all that effort worth it?
look at the picture above...that dirtbag damsel screams for help....i see nothing keeping her there. there's no cage...no ropes...nothing...just a stupid girl on a stupid platform. she could easily climb down the ladder and save herself, but she's a dummy. feminist groups should be all over that useless gal and her constant relying on an overweight plumber to save her.
to be fair, though, that ape isn't exactly a saint. i suppose she has a reason to be afraid of him...afterall, there's a t-shirt going around with him on it that kinda gives him a bad name. take a look...
...that fact that he's not a monkey, but an ape, doesn't effect how truthful this t-shirt is. he may lack a real tail, but he has a metaphorical tail...the tail of the devil. that's right. donkey kong is that evil...even if he does eventually have a son who likes to wear tank-tops...and later a tie. but wait a second...donkey kong has a son? who's the mother? oh, i bet it's that stupid girl on the platform!! she's begging the plumber to save her, yet she's having romantic relations with donkey kong?....no wonder she's not chained up...the ape loves her...and she doesn't run away because she loves him.
OF COURSE!!!! it all makes sense to me now! she's not screaming help so that the plumber will come and save her...she's screaming help because donkey kong's only fighting tactic is throwing barrels...she knows the plumber is gonna make his way up there and take her away while giving ol' dk a massive concussion...so, in reality, donkey kong isn't the one with the metaphorical tail after all....it's that stupid plumber guy!!
it makes perfect sense...people were mislead by the fact that she was screaming for help while she was near donkey kong...they were mislead by their own dislike towards inter-species relationships. what a shame. i thought that we, as a society, had gotten past this form of racism. if a stupid girl wants to have relations with an ape...i think that's her choice, dang it.
i mean, look at this adorable couple. there's the ape, with that smile on his face...happy as can be. then there's the stupid girl...who has a worried look on her face because she just discovered that the ape has a 'kick me' sign on his back...she's concerned that someone might, in fact, kick the ape...and it's probably an overweight, italian plumber wearing a stupid hat.
if you want further proof that the plumber is evil in this game, take a look at this picture...
doesn't he look evil? that's the best snidley whiplash impersonator that i've ever seen.
see?....the two are one and the same...which would make donkey kong dudley do-right...i think that fits. however, despite how nice of a guy that ape is, there's always an evil guy with a mustache waiting to make him miserable...which makes the stupid girl concerned for the ape.
the concern is created by the love she has for that stinky ape...and as i stated, that love created an equally loveable ape, which was named donkey kong jr....who happened to be such a brilliant ape, that he taught math classes to millions of people. true story. take a look.
see? it's even a european version. european people are stereotypically smart...and stereotypically have bad teeth and long armpit hair, too...which, ironically, donkey kong jr. has all of that. dk jr. is also a rave little squirt as he eventually saves his own father after that stupid, mustache-wearing, tub of lard plumber puts him in a cage after, i think, murdering his father's lover with the mindset of 'if i can't have her, no one can.' stupid plumber.
there's more to tell of this amazing ape...of how his wife was murdered....how his son was a nerdy scholar...how, after the plumber was sent to jail, a bug exterminator tried to kill him....but really, why bother. the fact is, donkey kong was a game based off of the struggles of a couple that didn't fit into what society wanted. they loved each other, but nobody realized it....it's a dark, dark story that's shakesperian in nature....romantic, poetic, and tragic. it's a shame that the happiest moment in the game is the beginning...when you see the two lovers elope to the top of the barrel-filled tower...
...now that's romance.
