I don’t know where to start to describe the incredible thing that has happened to me. Those of you who have dealt with extreme trauma may understand. As they can share, unfortunately, it is indescribably to those who have not experience it firsthand.
Of course indescribable means that I will use every word in my vocabulary to express this to you knowing that I will not succeed. It is the point of psychotic break when all your defenses fall. Your every secret fear is laid bear for all to see and do with as they please. You have no protection whasoever. Everything and anything acan and will hurt and scare you. You want to be alone because for anyone to see you in such a state would hurt you although not intentionally.
No this doesn’t sound good at all. You’re right. Living in this state I would imagine causes multiple suicides. At the same time, I have been through this and survived. It is that survival that is so incredible.
I went through an experience where I felt just as I’ve described and more. Let me warn you that before you try to identify with this vulnerability CHANCE and PROBABILITY state that you can’t. Just accept that this was extreme trauma uncovered and move on.
The most traumatic part of this experience is that the two wonderful people who brought me to this place were gone before I realized the severity of my situation. Here I lay alone sobbing to exhaustion no knowing if I’d wake up the next morning or if I wanted to.
When I did wake up I accessed every resource I could to find out what had happened and why I couldn’t shake the uneasiness and anxiety that surrounded me. I found nothing but more questions yet I had to press on! After all, I could not let this halt my life. I knew the worst was over and I needed to simply process the experience. That is I would go to work, come home, and Master and Mistress would explain everything.
That’s when it all came out. Master was online. This meant I could have my answers now instead of risking my mental and emotional state at work. Unfortunately, I started to relive the experience all over again. The nervousness, anxiety, vulnerability all came flooding over me. He knew all of my fears, all my doubts. I had spilled them all in a rant email sent the night before when I was most fragile.
The tears once again began to fall.
I couldn’t bear it. He was trying to understand. Trying so hard to help and reassure and calm me down. Then the fear multiplied by 100, when he asked my phone number and the phone actually rang. I knew that my tender emotions were not ready but I also knew that there would be trouble if I didn’t pick up.
The water poured from my eyes.
Take a deep breath. Nice and slow. These were the words I heard as I tried to pour my heart out and apologize. All I remember is the lack of fear, the shelter beginning to build, the peace that came over me. His words reminding me that it is ok, that he was not mad. How could those words have ever been so comforting.
The most amazing part of this incident was the after effect. With facing all of those fears nothing could stop me. I answered everyone’s questions with pride. My friendships rose to new levels because I was no longer afraid. All of this because I submitted control.
