First-time Fatherhood: FAQs
by Michael Shaw
Dad or Dad-to-be, you've absorbed every word of ChildbirthSolutions (even the accessorizing hints for the modern on-the-go doula). But amazingly, you've still got questions. What's more amazing, I already know what those questions are, and here are the answers. So read this and set your mind at ease. Still got questions? We all do. Welcome to parenthood!
Q. "My wife just told me she's pregnant. How could this happen?"
A. No one is quite sure what causes pregnancy. While current research has revealed a possible "love virus" that stays dormant until some causative agent interacts. (Often the music of Barry White or Frank Sinatra.) Other scientists theorize that certain chemical agents are often involved. My wife and I conducted a painstaking review of all activity leading up to the conceiving of our second child, Liam, and concluded a bottle of Merlot probably played a significant role. As for the mechanics of conception, ever played Marco Polo with a million little swimmers? You're it!
Q. "Will becoming a father for the first time have a significant impact on my current life style?"
A. Absolutely not. Especially if your current lifestyle does not involve any outside or time consuming activity such as golf, bowling, poker night with the boys, or getting more than three hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time. You should be just fine.
Q. We've been trying for a while now. No luck yet. Any advice?
A. Relax. As I mentioned before, our second child was conceived after a pleasant dinner and wonderful bottle of wine. In fact, before we knew what was happening we started making wild, passionate love right then and there! (Of course, we can't go back to that restaurant anymore.)
Q. I've been attending all the birthing classes, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to faint in the delivery room. I'm just being a little paranoid, right?
A. You're chances of actually keeling over is quite faint. But just to be on the safe side, I would advise you to either wear a football helmet into the delivery room. (Creates a truly reassuring and masculine effect.) Or just duct tape foam rubber around your head, and run into the delivery room yelling, "I'm Dr. Duct Tape! There ain't nothin that duct tape won't fix, including episiotomies! " That will break the tension, you'll breath normally, and won't faint.
Q. Even though I'm excited about the birth of our first child. I can't get as excited as my wife. In fact the whole thing doesn't seem real to me. Why is this?
A. Even though we are an advanced, civilized and service-based society, nature still has a way of getting its little primal claws in you. Men, at their most primal core, are hunters (or car salesmen). So once you supplied your requisite chromosomes into the gene pool, a dark, moribund instinct tries to pull you back into the jungle (or the used car lot). And as modern, enlightened men we fight this instinct. But doubts somehow linger. Sure the doctor said she was pregnant, sure you saw the sonogram but maybe she swallowed a peanut whole and it somehow lodged in her uterus. Sure she seems to be putting on a little weight, but are you really, really sure? Mister, you need to make your approaching fatherhood real. So call up a financial advisor and ask about the projected cost of college approximately 18 years from now. That'll make it real. Now get out in that jungle and start hunting for a mutual fund that will return a compounded rate of 20% annually!
Q. Do father's-to-be need a special diet?
A. You should be on the Daddy Diet. This will prepare you for months of yummy, paternal dining. Start with a half-cup of warm milk in a crusty sippy cup. Then some mashed carrots, sweet potatoes or turnips. (Be sure to say Num!Num!Num! with each bite.) Followed that up with a meat stick or two of indefinite origin. For lighter fare, I recommend Froot Loops® or Cheerios® picked up off the kitchen floor. For more roughage, sweep them up before serving. Bon Appetit!
Q. If I'm offered the opportunity to cut the cord, should I?
A. Of course! You've probably carved a turkey in front of both in-laws, this isn't much different. Just remember to snip on the correct side of the instrument! Afterward (for real laughs) bill your services back to the hospital.
Q. Everything I know about changing a diaper I learned from The Three Stooges. This included cutting up a tablecloth, the use of clothespins, and about four feet of rope. Any other hints?
A. Nope, Buddy. You're all set. Remember authentic Irish linen makes the best diapers.
Q. Our newborn is perfectly healthy, except I can see no physical resemblance to myself. Is this a silly concern?
A. Not all. When my daughter Hannah was born, I was tormented by thoughts that she looked like our beloved 34th president, Dwight Eisenhower. Maybe Mom really liked Ike best. But then I realized our beloved president had already been dead a few decades. So what if she doesn't look like me? I just took a long look in the mirror and thought: maybe that's not such a bad thing. Now she is incredibly attractive - she looks like her mother! (Note to all you father-to-be's out there: It never hurts to earn extra credit!)
Q. Our newborn often cries in the night. What does this mean?
A. It means get up daddy, mom needs her rest! (It never hurts to earn extra extra credit!)
