HAPPINESS

What if you could always be happy?  What if there was a magic formula that you could use to bring joy to any moment?

One time a coaching client said to me, "I am really in my shit. I have tried to get out of it, but I just haven't been able to do it."

I said, "Ok, do this for me please. Go to 3 different people on your team, one at a time, and you have 1 minute each, to tell them the gifts you see in them. Then talk to me again. You have 5 minutes to complete. Will you do that?"

When we spoke again, I said, "What is your experience of yourself right now?"  I don't remember his exact words, but he was calm, happy, and "out of his shit."  I then asked him, "What is the lesson for you?"  Again, I don't remember his exact words, but it was essentially that, when he focuses on the happiness or success of another human being, he was happy, even if he started out unhappy.

I have used this little exercise a number of times now, with the same result each time. In fact the results are so uniformly positive, that I have concluded that when a human being is focused on the happiness of another human being, there is simply no room in their thinking, in that moment, for thoughts of themselves. Good OR bad. And that when they come out of that clearing, the "Service" that they have done for another human being, and the gift they have given through that Service, actually causes a shift.

In addition, this small Service to other human beings creates an acknowledgment and sense of self worth for the receiver of the acknowledgement as well.  So it does in fact create a win for both giver and receiver, as well as a powerful model for any observer.

Is it possible that Service can have an even more profound and long lasting effect on both giver and receiver than the momentary benefit I describe above?  I think so.  Let me explain by using some experiences from my own life.

I recall one dark moment in my life, a quite brief moment thankfully, when I actually thought of taking my own life. I then thought of the effect it would have on my family, and I knew in that moment that I would never do that.

I had a sense of being needed. A sense of purpose.

So, are suicide, drug use, and other ailments somehow linked to a perception of a lack of purpose?

I have sometimes wondered if these issues are linked to the relative physical ease of life in western culture.  Put another way, because it has become relatively easy to "get by" in western culture and still survive, do people have too much time on their hands, so they get bored and end up self medicating, or killing themselves?

There is an article in the October, 2003 issue of National Geographic, about Saudi Arabia.  It is a wide ranging piece about many aspects of the country and its culture, but one aspect it touches on is the question of time on the hands of young people in that country.

At that time in Saudi Arabia, fully 90 percent of all of the workers in the private sector were foreigners.  Many Saudis do not work.

According to the author,

Bored young people with too much time on their hands:  This  is what the Saudis themselves regard as their seminal crisis, sown in the clash between borrowed modernization and threatened traditions—the root crisis from which a forest of others has sprung.

“The hijackers were a direct product of our social failures—a generation with no sense of what work entails, raised in a system that operated as a welfare state,” a high-ranking government official told me.  “We allowed them to grow up in pampered emptiness, until they turned to the bin Laden extremists in an effort to find themselves.”

I would say, rather than in an effort to find themselves, more likely in an effort to find their purpose.

I don't think that the availability of time is the answer.  If it were only about time on our hands, wouldn’t shepherds have the highest suicide rate?  They certainly have plenty of time to think, don’t they?

In fact is there a lesson here from the life of a shepherd?

Certainly a shepherd knows that his presence and “Service” to the flock is essential to its well being, and indeed its existence.

Is it possible that what really ails people in some cultures is not the ease of life physically, out of which they have time on their hands?  Is it possible that what ails people is a sense of lack of purpose?

Can Service create a sense of purpose?

And from a sense of purpose, or a feeling of being needed, do people thrive and grow and become larger and happier?

I think so.

Viktor Frankl wrote, in Man’s Search for Meaning, that:

I remember two cases of would-be suicide, which bore a striking similarity to each other.  Both men had talked of their intentions to commit suicide.  Both used the typical argument—they had nothing more to expect from life.  In both cases it was a question of getting them to realize that life was still expecting something from them; something in the future was expected of them.  We found, in fact, that for the one it was his child whom he adored and who was waiting for him in a foreign country.  For the other it was a thing, not a person.  This man was a scientist and had written a series of books which still needed to be finished.  His work could not be done by anyone else, any more than another person could ever take the place of the father in his child’s affections.

This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives meaning to his existence, has a bearing on creative work as much as it does human love.  When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude.  A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never throw away his life.  He knows the “why” for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any “how.”  (Frankl, p. 87)

Frankl went on to write:

It goes without saying that not each and every case of depression is to be traced back to a feeling of meaninglessness, nor does suicide—in which depression sometimes eventuates—always result from an existential vacuum.  But even if each and every case of suicide had not been undertaken out of a feeling of meaninglessness, it may well be that an individual’s impulse to take his life would have been overcome had he been aware of some meaning and purpose worth living for.  (Frankl at p. 143.) [1]

In my own experience, I have found that I am happiest when I have a direction and purpose in my life.

How about you?  Reflect back on your life for a few moments, and ask yourself these questions:

When in my adult life was I the happiest?

What was I up to at that time?

Who was I in relationship with at that time?

How did that relationship affect my sense of well being?

If that relationship ended, what happened to end it?

What did I replace it with?

How did that substitute affect my level of happiness?

Did that replacement, whether it was a new relationship or not, provide me with a sense of purpose at some level?

Did I feel needed in some way?

            When you are in service to others, what is your experience of yourself?

            How does Service as a part of your life support you?

            What other aspects of Service do you see possible for you for the future?

            How will continued Service to others contribute to your own growth?

            In sum, my thesis is that Service is a truly vital pillar of a fulfilling life, because Service:

                        Creates a Win/Win/Win

                        Creates a sense of purpose.

                        Creates an experience of outward focus

                        Provides opportunities for connection with other people.

And out of these results, people not only create value for themselves and others, but they also model forwarding behavior as well.  This means that the Win/Win/Win results discussed above, potentially actually become Win to the Infinite Power.

What other reasons can you think of about Service as a valuable Pillar of your life?

How can Service as a Pillar be made even MORE valuable to your life?

To the lives of those around you?

To the World?