harlyrider66's blog: "harlyrider66"

To My Son A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This advice or ( 39 yrs of exprience) if for you from me ( your Father)......................... Realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. Come to terms with the fact that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. Awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. Stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance. Stop judging and pointing fingers and begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. Realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. Begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. learn the difference between wanting and needing and you'll begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, learn to go with your instincts. learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of who's on your arm or the child that bears your name. learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy. learn that alone does not mean lonely. look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you are who you are and stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." Also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. Come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. Allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And learn that your body really is your temple And begin to care for it and treat it with respect. Begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play. learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. Also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms. learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening. Learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Learn that when your kids are born you will make mistakes parenting, when they hurt you'll hurt 20 times more than they do and learn that you must let them make their own mistakes and let them shine on their own. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can. I'll Always Love You and One day You'll want the exact samethings for your Sons..... I guarantee it A FATHERS LOVE NEVER ENDS............. DAD

Ever wonder why we tend to love the persons most whom have put us thru the widest array of emotions? How is it that we can still smile upon a visions of happier days shared even after multiple heartbreaks. Why is it that we tend to push aside the feelings of betrayal, shouts of vicious words and always remember the mending of our hearts? What is it about love that we seek out so desperately? How do we know for sure when it's really "the real thing". Everyone comes with their own faults each as different as the next person standing beside us. How much fault is too much, does it depend on each individual or is there an unspoken rule about it all? If so, where do find this master set of rules. Does it lie within each of us just waiting for discovery. Marriage is something that seems to be taken so lightly. What would make any sane person decide to enter such an agreement. Guess, the thought is hopefully you'll beat the odds and still be together when you're old and gray. I'm not so sure there are too many people left that truely believe this anymore. Is it real love when two or three years later they still always opens your car door and you still shiver every time the two of you touch? What about when after that amount of time you still get butterflies in their presence? On the other hand should it even matter that no one can still bring you too your knees in tears like that person? I've pondered these thoughts over and over lately not necessarily because it applies to me personally but because I always see it all around me. Sometimes knowing that the one we love the most could also hurt more than our enemies is enough to make us want to run in fear. Everyone seems to answer life's questions with, follow your heart but sometimes your head holds the most rationale choice. For the sake of seeking that perfect love we tend to follow our heart, then blame our head for making the mistake. Most times we even say "I knew it all along", well if we knew it all along Why the hell did we do it in the first place! One answer: We tend to love those who put us thru the widest array of emotions most. We as human beings will suffer enormous emotional pain.... all for the pursuit of love

I have an addiction to Crystal Meth, Addiction is a cycle of predictable patterns of thinking and behaving, which captures a person a little more each time it is repeated. Addiction is like a thief in the night, Sometimes it takes a little, Sometimes alot but it never gets enough. It keeps coming back for more until it owns you, all of you. Remember that an addiction is formed when a person gives him or herself up to a certain behavior, this gives the behavior more power over a person than they have over themselves. Addiction is like a vise that closes real slowly, You ignore it until there is no way to wiggle free.Addictive behavior tends to develop slowly, this is why we fail to see it coming. At first I bought Meth every once in a while and only spent a few hours a week thinking about it. After a while I began to get lost in it, letting other things slide in order to pursue my addiction. It felt good, So I did it again and again, slowly it became part of my daily life and I made sure that I had it with me at all times.After a while I chose friends who also did Meth to hang out with and these habits became part of everyday life and I no longer thought about them. Then oneday I woke up and the first thing I did was take a hit off my pipe; The cycle had started. The basic damage of addiction is not whether the behavior is good or bad, moral or immoral,legal or illegal. It is the destructive nature of my addiction itself that causes problems. My addiction distorted my thinking so that I saw no middle, everything was black or white. It's either awesome or it sucks. I also went to the extreme of ALL or NOTHING thinking, When it came time to paying bills if I didn't have allof the money, FUCK IT, just buy dope since I can't pay the entire bill.I used Meth to fufill a need,it helped control painful feelings or it made them go away for a while.The change was predictable, something I could count on,as an addict I hated change. I gradually surrendered my freedom of choice in exchange for instant pleasure or escape. In most cases my use wasn't for pleasure but numbness,the absence of any feeling at all.But it doesn't solve the problems that caused the pain in the first place.It sometimes reached the point that if you aked me besides getting high,what else was enjoyable? I'd just give you a blank stare. Other formsof recreation and personal fufillment had been smothered as my addiction took over my existence. With all satisfaction gone except for my addiction, life became dull and empty. An addict will tell you there is no high like that first high. The desire to repeat that first high is so strong that a person will not give up trying to return there but find out you never will, You're only a virgin once. I lost my self worth,I vanished. Once I regularly experienced the loss of control over my life, I gegan to lose my identity. When I looked in the mirror, there wasn't anybody there. My addiction was a personal secret that I hid from myself and from others. I worked hard to make sure nobody knew, I felt shame and guilt and these feelings set me even more apart from everyone else. I wouldn't go near my family because I was ashamed of my addiction and myself. I'd get so sad and depressed that I would pull away and hide. I began to think my addiction was my only friend. Even in a crowded room I was all alone, I was the only person on the planet. Depression set in and depression robs a person of energy and the will to over come it. Fun died, laughter died and love died. Nothing mattered anymore - NOTHING AT ALL. I couldn't see any reason to go on, why bother? I began to ignore all my financial responsibilities, I spent so much on my addiction.My life became a box that seemed to get smaller everyday, One night I realized there was no corner left to hide in, I was dying, body and soul. My addiction cost not only me but it cost my family money,pride,peace of mind, heartache and embarrassment. Out of dope and out of hope, I cocked a pistol, put it to my head and started to cry. I didn't have the courage to live and I didn't have the guts to die. The longer we put off facing our addiction, the deeper the hooks are set and the harder they are to remove. It's devestating to believe the only way out is death. But addiction has no LIMIT.First is the realization that I am responsible for my own actions. Next I had to admit I had an addiction and it had control over me. It took tremendous strength to admit I was losing the fight with my habit. I had hit rock bottom and this very well could be my last chance. I'm quitting because of the cost and the direction my addiction has taken me. I have no choice but tochange or die, physically, mentally and spiritually. Honesty is the key, I must remove myself as far as possible from the oblect of my addiction. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES..... Recovery will take time, dedication, commitment, patience, energy and effort. It will not come easy or quick, recovery is greater than the cost and I'm ready topay the price, NO MATTER HOW MUCH. Recovery to me means to find my tru self, I want to hold my head up high again and not be ashamed.I want to feel success and accomplishment again, I want to be happy with myself again. The only way to avoid mistakes is not to try, As I fail and learn to try again, I'll develop greater strength.Through trial and error I can grow into my true self.During recovery my pain will give me direction,It will point out areas where I still need to take action. It will give proof that I'm still alive and that I still need to make more changes.I need to stop that hunger that begins to crawl up my spine, a silent scream for that RUSH.More than time,more than money recovery requires that you learn to love and respect yourself, pherhaps for the first time.In treatment more than any other place, you get what you give....... No more, No less... As of today 2 plus years after writing this letter...... I'm still clean, I love life and myself........ again............................

It's the things that happened to me,the situations I put myself in,the ones I keep and the ones I walk away from that make me who I am.It's knowing when I've had enough and can't take anymore,that shows others and myself just how strong of a person I really am.That even though at the time it feels as though I've lost so much when in reality I haven't.It's letting your guard down and showing someone that you're vulnerable that gets you hurt but in the long run teaches us a lesson.It's all worth it if we've learned from it,to pick up the peaces of whats left and move on even if it's the hardest thing you think you will ever have to do.If you have the people that really care about you at your side no matter what,through thick and thin,you can never go wrong.Though it hurts now this to will pass in time,everything will be ok.Time and a little push in the right direction by those who love you will heal all wounds large and small. love all of those who have been there,the ones that warned us yet still let us learn by making our own mistakes,for letting us fall down and get back up,though I regret the choices and decisions that I have made,I know now that I had to make them to get to this point,I will be a better person in the long run.Life throws crazy stuff at you from time to time,no matter what it is, it will prepare us for the next thing coming.I understand that everyone has to hurt sometimes,get mad and maybe even a little emotional but nothing is ever worth WASTING your time dwelling in the past when you have so much to look forward to.I've learned a lot and will take what I have learned and better myself...Will you ????