I don't know how to deal with all that's going on in my life right now. I haven't even begun to deal with the miscarriage, because I had to go to my sons father's funeral. He died the same day I found out that I had a miscarriage. On friday night I went to the viewing and then out with our friends for a few drinks in Jeremy's memory afterwards. Logan's godfather was there and we all talked about things over drinks. It was nice to be around everyone and talk about things. I still can't believe he's gone. I don't know how to accept it or make sense of it. All I wanted was for things to get better and for Jeremy and our son to have a relationship. It hurts me so much that it will never happen. I know what it feels like to never know your father and you always wonder and there are so many questions left unanswered. I don't know how to deal with all this. I am trying my best, but it's so hard. I can't even talk about things that much or I start to cry. Jeremy was my first love and the father of my first born. We may have had hard times, but our love never died. We may have went our separate ways, but I know that we both still cared. I just wish that we had been able to fight a little harder for things to work out better for Logan so that they could have known each other.
I am trying to make sense of things and can't. I can't even eat and only sleep when I can't hold my eyes open any longer. I haven't eaten in 2 days and the only thing I had to eat on saturday was a freakin borrito. I'm just not hungry and I don't want to do anything except sleep, which I can't even do. The fact that I still have to fight for my son just makes it even harder since my mom won't even let me see him. The one thing I want the most right now is to be able to hold our little boy in my arms and no matter how hard I try they won't let me see him. I just don't know how to get through this without our son by my side. Jeremy would rest better if Logan were back home with me where he should be and I would be able to get through it a little easier I think. Logan and I need each other right now more than anything. Not to mention the fact that Jeremy would want it that way. I just don't know how to go on with things the way they are now though.
