Loving myself's blog: "How I feel"

With twists and turns I feel the burn, as I move along the road of life. I fall and cry and wish oh wish to sometimes die. I feel as though I have hit a wall way to tall. I need to find my way with so much to say. Do you hear me cry? Do you hear my sorrow? Do you hear me at all? I fall, I fall, I fall. So many things in life I want. Things to see and my will to be free. Do I dare take a leap of faith? Do I dare? Do I completely share my heart? Not knowing where to start? As I stand at the fork in the road do I turn around? Look around with nothing to be found? Do I go right? Do I go left? Or do I just jump and go into flight. Time to choose, so much to lose. To be free and live or sit back down and just be? This is my journey, my life my strife. Only I know where my heart needs and that's to let go and let be.

ALL WE ARE IS A SHOOTING STAR

Maybe this life is just about love and tenderness. I was sitting here and decided to listen to music stored on my computer. The music brought me back to a time I believed in love. That’s is magical and mysterious. But, as with anything…………If love is not nurtured and cherished, you can have it fade away. I believe this with all my heart. I have decided to take all the different parts of all these songs to try and explain what love is in my heart…….
If words don’t come my way……..I hope it still shows…….What my heart wants to say…..I surrender to this feeling so true……….
I find it hard to believe that someone could ever feel that way  about me? I guess I will forever feel a loneness inside I cant explain. I am good with words, but it seems they have no meaning anymore. People can say anything but I have learned that without action they are meaningless. 
Tell me have you seen her? I am waiting for that special love. Have you seen her? Baby please be mine.
Explain to me what that means? We all search for the “ONE”. Is there such a thing? Its as if we look for this perfect person to complete us. Ying/Yang if you will. Lets get real! Its starts with attraction, be it a smile or a look given that turns our insides upside down! You know that stomach drop or butterflies?  Ever meet someone that you cant seem to stop looking at? Its almost an obsession.  I have been feeling that for two years. Its almost as if I need to know what’s its like to make love to them. Even it is only once. It’s a deep primal instinct. 
Love gets inside you………Time can hurt………I cant bother alone in this world……..
Why do we always want what we can not have? To be willing to risk it all for a chance. Bottom line? If that person truly wanted you, they step up and make you real………
Rock me baby…..Just say you want to do it…..Open up your heart and let the lovin start…….Women take my in your arms and rock me baby…….
We all want to be wanted, cherished and loved. Yet, when its right in front of us, a chance for happiness, most scare and run. I have been running for 41 years now. Can’t seem to get it right. I guess its time to love or be loved? Always one loves more then the other. I honestly thought I had met the one true love of my life. No such a thing. I have learned a valuable lesson this past year.
The lesson is no one can truly make you happy till you make yourself happy first. Love yourself.
Sad eyes……Looks like its over……..You knew I couldn’t stay…..We had a good thing………I miss your sweet love………Its over……..Sad eyes turn the other way…When we would have to say goodbye………Try to remember the magic we shared……..I never used you…….I really cared…But…………Its over.

Thought I heard your voice yesterday……..Then I realized it was just my mind playing tricks on me…………I can’t believe we are through…….I miss you…..Its so easy to see I miss you and me….
Dedicated to my music……..For showing me love I have never felt before. Always……..I can’t believe 

I come home from work, grab a cup of coffee and wakl my Lily girl. I sit down at the computer and log in to FU. Something I do daily. Yes, I am addicted to fu as most of us are. I go through my massages, gifts and photo comments. Then I rate my folks in my family. Each one near and dear to my heart. I read their status and comment accordingly. All of them genuine and cared about. There are times when I have difficulty with FU.

Today is one of those times. I think its absolutly disgusting how women feel the only way to have attention is to undress. Men feel as though its a free for all. Point in fact that behind some of these profiles are women who feel like they need to be a certain way. Fuck men for making us feel like a peice of meat. Fuck women who think the way to a mans heart is to buy them bling and all the other bullshit that goes along with it. If a man is interested its not about bling or the other shit. I would rather talk. Find out about them. Understand their real life and what makes them who they are. This devil/angel shit amazes me as well. I am a bit of both. I am a kind and sensitive women. Piss me off and I will sport a pair of horns aimed directly at your heart and balls. DFZ? Makes me laugh! There is so much drama its amazing. One thing I will admit is this place brings out the jealousy in all of us. Wether it be about bling/level/status/or girl verses girl and men verses men. Regardless of what anyone says? Jealousy is a natural response of feeling threathened. I am a jealous person. I admit it. It makes me say and do stupid things. Now that being said?

I feel as though this place we all love and hate at times is filled with emotion. It allows up to be whoever we want to be regardless of who we are in (REAL LIFE). It allows us to be in a fantasy and be the big man or women we all wish we were. In reality? We all pay bills, work, have kids and whatever else. People deal with depression, anxiety, compulsive disorders and the like. Some angry and some sad. Some with a fuck it attitude. before you leave the next status or comment take a good look at their pictures! Lokk at their eyes. Behind those eyes are real people. Real feelings. We are so much more then a picture, a rate, a level or a bling. How about good morning how are you? How was your day? How are things at work? Maybe, just maybe you might get a glimpse of who is really behind the picture. Wake up! Your actions hurt others. Wake up your words effect others! Wake up and realize this may just be a social website but there are real people on here. People who deserve to be respected. I am taking a few days off. I need a fu break.

I sit here and try to figure out why people think its so easy to treat my like garbage. Then I think to myself? Maybe its because I allow them to. Maybe its because I trust when I shouldn't. I allow people to hurt me. Maybe I need to be like a other women. A cold hard bitch to be respected. I rather have a heart of gold then allow myself to hate or mistrust. I will continue to let people hurt me because I beleive in love kidness and forgiveness. I beleive in allowing someone to be genuine. I have yet to find a man who can do that. They all treat me like a door mat. They wipe thier shoes on me and move on. But, it ok. At the end of the day a lot of times in tears I know in my heart that I am a good person worthy of being loved and cherished. I say today I am worth it. I say today........Maybe you are not!

I walked into the neurologist office and waited in a room. The doctor walked in a shook my hand and introduced himself clarifying who I was. He asked me a bunch of questions regarding how I was feeling and my pain level. I sat there in my mind thinking get rid of this headache! He did tests on my neuro function and tested my balance. Then I sat down and he proceeded to shut the lights off and look in my eyes. He looked at my left eye for what seemed like forever. The pain was so intense I wanted to pass out and nausea was over whelming for me. He looked at the other eye quickly and said "I will be right back".

  A few minutes latter, him and another doctor came back in. They asked me to move into another room where it was darker and they could see my eyes better. The other doctor looked into my eyes again. He flipped the light on and I was seeing black spots to the point I could not see for a few. He announced I needed a spinal tap to relive the pressure in my head, I needed to see a Ophthalmologist and schedule the tap immediately. I felt tears run down my face. As a nurse I knew it was serious enough they needed to relieve pressure. Right now I am scared out of my mind. The one person I need so badly doesn't seem to give a damn. The one person I need to be with me right now doesn't care. Fake hugs don't cut it at the moment. I need real tender loving care. I am facing a potential life threatening problem. They asked if I have had any lose of vision? I was like WHAT! But, I sit here in my mind praying for guidance and mercy. Trying to believe that I will be okay. I am angry, scared and feel as though I am going to pass out at times. The headache I feel so intense I want to go to sleep and not wake up. Sleep is my only solace at the moment. WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED YOU!

I logged on today. Fu was so quiet. I remember what I was doing on 9/11. It was a regular day when I woke up. I took a shower and headed up to work to pick up my paycheck. I walked into work and everyone was crying. I was like "wahts going on"? They took me into a room with a TV on. I was like "is this a movie"? They said no it the twin towers. I was like "in New York"? They said yes! I stood there and watched the second tower fall surrounded by co workers my tears fell like rain. I was in dis belief that this my home, my safe place and my freedom was gone. I cried for days. My cousins wedding was that Friday and our family was thankful to be together. My cousin stood in her beautiful wedding dress with my uncle. (who recently passed, God bless his soul.) There behind them was the American flag. I cried like a baby. Today I remember with sadness the events that took so many lives. The absolute disrespect for human life I still do not understand. I feel unsafe now. I feel as though my freedom challanged. I am thankful to call my self an American. Let freedon rain. God bless those we have lost. May God keep those who keep us safe. Maybe be a little kinder, a little more forgiving today. Maybe just maybe we can love one another the way God intended.

Please post your experience from that day in comments. I want to hear from you.

I have escaped into my music today. Felt myself needing only my music. The world is to loud. It feels to much for me today. Contsant movement. Today I close my eyes and listen for my music. I miss my music. I miss the way it made me feel. Loved and special. I miss my music....It moved my soul and made me peaceful. My music has left me. My music is gone. My music My music........is gone. IMU my music............you know who you are............forever my music........always

I have no idea what to write. My mind is so screwed up these days. I long for quiet days in the sun alone near an ocean. Free from lifes day to days. I wonder if anything will ever change for me? I sit here day after day and dream about what if? I guess untill I decide what if, I will only think and not do. I am so sad and alone inside myself. I feel trapped. I feel so disconnected at times that its as if my ears shut down and I only feel. I attempt to listen yet I hear nothing. I drive to work, home my grams by auot pilot. I eat dinner and take a shower. Its as if my life is stuck in ground hog motion. Same shit everyday. I need something to happen in my life to make me feel alive again. Its as if some part of me died. I can't seem to figure out why it is I never seem to find what I am loooking for? I feel like I forever seek yet never find it. Maybe just maybe? I am truly lost to the wind? I am off to bed to start another round in this thing I call life. I am tired, alone and sad. I need a change. I need to know I am worth it. I need to feel again. Dear lord please help me to see my path.............