Pepper's blog: "words in prose"

i lay awake at night..
my body screaming its need....

i know it is wrong to want so much...
especially when it is a want that cannot be self-satisfied....
it is painful.....
it tears you up.....

it draws blood...........

it triggers all kinds of wrong emotions....
anger for not being lucky to have such things...
depression.....
sadness.....
all kinds of things...
and sometimes they spill.....

the need rages in me...
the need to be beaten into submission -
literally....
the need to be sexed into unconsciousness.....
the need to hit peaks of intensity of sensation.....
the need to be restrained into
immobility.....
to feel the peaks and valleys of energy play til
exhaustion....

the need to get out of my own head...
not for a few minutes fleetingly...
but...
for some extended time....
to leave myself as not even sleep will let me....

sometimes this need takes over...
and i want to hurt whoever is in my way...
it is obsessive...
it is unhealthy....
it is insane...
but, it is there....
and it is true......

it is the reason why i clamped down my sexuality....
my desire....
it is not something i can provide myself with,
and i have no right to demand it of
anyone else....
i become like a rapist -
only i want to force someone to glut
me with sensation.....

the need makes me violent...
irrational...
unstable....
DARK.......

Dangerously heated..animated

unsated, i want to scream, cry....
rend....
tear.....

knowing that someone who might slake my need has given this gift to another..
when i hunger breaks all my bounds of rationality..
i become less than civilized....
I am red....
i rage......

other than denying it entirely..
i do not know how to deal with the
need.....
it is like vampiric bloodlust...
it is driving....it is
demanding...
it is nearly insatiable.....

and i have no right to expect anyone to accommodate it.....

How can one stave off pure hunger?
I hide....
I chant....
I smile.....
But you do not know what rages....
BELOW..........

*hanging head...watching the tears drop*

what does one do, when you are afraid to touch yourself for you
fear that in your need you will draw your
own blood in frustrated desire?

I bleed.................