As I sit here trying so hard to hold back my tears, I realize how much I don't deserve.
I don't deserve to be happy. All I ever do is make people miserable.
I don't deserve children. I've lost two already.
I don't deserve a relationship. I'll only ruin it and cause them pain.
I don't deserve a family. It would only be more people for me to hurt.
I don't deserve the luck I've had.
I don't deserve the car I have.
I don't deserve the kindness of my moms boyfriend.
I don't deserve the job I have. I'm not qualified for it and I only got it because I got lucky and have worked there so long.
I don't deserve my life.
So I sit here thinking. How did my life get this way? It wasn't always this way. So how did it end up this way without my realizing it? Is it fixable? Even if I fix it I would still deserve nothing.
I'm not a bad person. I don't cause trouble. I don't get arrested. I don't do drugs. I don't smoke anything. I don't physically harm anyone.
How did I get this way? I feel so empty and numb. I feel like I don't deserve my life.
