Brief background: Most of my friends here know I'm in nursing school, and am graduating in May. I work as a nurse extern on a medical floor. I love it.
The other day I worked with a new nurse. Just barely got her license about 6 weeks ago. Together we had 5 patients, all difficult. High acuity, we call them. So she passed the meds and I did most everything else. It was a long day.
I ended up spending most of my time in one particular room, where we had 2 patien, both aphasic (could not speak), bedridden (could not walk), with NG tubes (could not eat), continuous IV fluids (could not drink). They were both total care patients. Could not do anything for themselves. They were restless. One was violent, although we all knew he didn't mean to be. The other pulled out his NG tube and tried to pull out his IV and foley. So I was busy, along with a "sitter" (someone who watches patients to make sure they don't hurt themselves or someone else), trying to keep these two patients calm and happy.
It was just a job. Rather, that's all it was supposed to be. But these two men reminded so much of what it was like to take care of my mom in her final days. It took everything I had not to cry. I did my job and I did my best.
Then the doctor came in to discuss the care of my more violent patient. Quietly and sadly, he told the wife, their daughter, and me that this man had just a couple weeks to live. Maybe.
It was too much. That took me back 2 1/2 years ago, with the doctor asking my family to come to the ICU so she could speak with us, only to tell us our mother was dying. There was no getting no better, no more remissions, nothing.
I got out of work as quickly as I could. I took my pain out of my boyfriend and I know he didn't deserve that. Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore and began to cry.
I just don't know if I'm strong enough to make it in nursing. Other nurses seem so confident and can handle death and dying so well. For me, it saddens me so deeply that I feel like crying and would do anything to make it better. I don't know if I can be a good nurse if I'm so emotional over people.
All I could do for that family was to hug them and tell them I was sorry. But that never seems like enough. I just want to be a good nurse,
*sigh* Okay, I'm done venting.
