Annelid's blog: "Ramblings,thoughts and assorted stuff"

So it’s another Saturday or Tuesday, or any day. They’re all interchangeable.  One day merges into another, the nights blend. I’m listless. I can’t sleep. Too many thoughts bouncing around in my mind and no resolution.  I guess or rather I know, I’m lost.  I’m 42 years old and haven’t a clue as to what to do with my “so called life”. 

I spend my days and nights, searching for answer.  A sign , a clue. What am I looking for? Closure. Awakening.  Understanding.  A reason to go on.  I’m a big disappointment to all those that know me. To my family, especially my parents. They expected and wanted so much for me.  As did I. To the people that I’ve loved (now, and in the past) what can I say?  I know I’m not perfect. Not even remotely close.  I was never honest with you. I lied, I was deceitful.  I said things things you wanted to hear. I did not, however cheat on you.  One thing in my favor, and there isn’t much, is that I’m loyal. Almost to a fault.  

A cleanslate. That’s what I want.  A tot reset.   A chance to start over. Of course we all know that’s not going to happen or ever likely to happen. You have to play the cards your dealt.   So be it.   So now what?  What do I do ?  Going by past performance, nothing. I’ll whine and bitch and moan. Write insipid blogs that nobody reads.

I want what I can’t have.  No, not a new car or even a large screen tv. Those things are a commodity.  Anyone can have it. I want what all of us want, love, companionship, a reason to wake each day.  And I’m losing that reason to rise out of my slumber.  Give me a chance.  A chance to prove myself .

I was told recently, well more than recently, that to love someone else, truly love someone , you need to learn to love yourself.  I don’t.   In a way I am trying to improve myself. The gym, the occasional cycle ride around the block, the foods I’m ingesting.  But I see no appreciable results.  Yet I still try. The old me would have given up a long time ago. I suppose maybe that there’s still a spark left in me.  A wee bit of fight left in the old body so to speak.  I need to love myself more. I need someone to love me.  To quote a line from F.R.D…”if your gonna believe in something why not believe in me”?  Truer words were never spoken.

Reading through my blogs , all gazillion of them , there’s a common thread. Actually quite a few.  Loneliness, alienation and yes, self-loathing.  So what can I do to change the situation?  Move? Totally reinvent myself? Get lost? All of the above?  Or nothing.

I wish I knew. All I know is  that something’s gotta give…and I think it’s going to be me.