I went there today, I went to the cross where Travis laid and where my life ended. A new chevron sign is up and the cross was leaning surrounded by weeds...
I went there and I sat. I sat on the rocks with my paintbrush in hand. I painstakingly painted in the letters that Justin carved so long ago. The letters that we all carved with our agony and tears.
I painted them blue. I painted them so people would know who he was and see the one life that ended and the many that were ruined. I painted them blue because he's a dad, and dad's always like blue-it's their color. I painted them his blue. The blue that looked so good against his skin, the blue of the sky above our kite, the blue I feel everyday.
I sat there on the rocks and painted. Each stroke on the wood reconnecting me to him. The world ceased to exist for me as I painted the T, the R, the A, and so on. I heard the world-the bird singing my sorrow, the crickets chirping in their condolences, the forest animals feeling my agony but too afraid to comfort me. Everything seemed to know what happened in that spot and how I am so affected by it and grieving for it.
Even the cars knew. Some slowed to show their respect to Travis-to me, his sister. some drove by to show their indifference, one sped up to show his ignorance. All present, but I sat on the rocks and painted.
I pulled the weeds away. The weeds that hid my grief, that tried to push away what happened to Travis. Out of sight, out of mind. I pulled them away with fury. They came out so easily-too easily. As if Travis was there saying "Look what I taught you." Then, I sat on the rocks.
I sat there with him until it was dark, going over every letter just to be a little closer to him-to be connected again. When I could no longer see, I sent a prayer up and told him I love him-now and for always, turned my lights on and drove away.
Maybe the paint will get washed away, maybe it won't. Maybe my efforts were in vain and maybe he wasn't really there. But for those few moments in my world where my roses are black and my skies spew rain and thunder, I didn't hurt. I didn't cry. I felt at peace.
