Sorry for no individual unique comment today...
Not in the best of moods after spending a torturous morning and early afternoon taking Eleanor to the doctor - another case manager showing up at the follow up appointment, a session with the social worker and more medical mayhem.
It simply amazes me as to the stupidity and outright blatant "pant of heaving dogs" when they find out that not only will Medicare approve certain "programs and therapies" but the supplemental TriCare Military Insurance will pay strangers that are "certified professionals" to come to the home daily to wash, bathe, and tend to Eleanor's daily "care" - labeling it as hospice or home care, while I still usurp my life savings staying at home to take care of her with the love and concern that no stranger of the courts or medical field can give.
I know her history - heard the stories - when this shell of a woman was lucid instead of an eating (sometimes), sleeping, peeing pooping machine.
The sole purpose of the visit was to address some serious weight loss over a 4 week period. Well since last week Eleanor went from 96 pounds to 106 lbs.
After going through the court system and fighting "Emergency Guardianship" papers filed by her daughter one week after the death of Eleanor's son (my previous love before Eugene) in April 2006, last month I consigned and the court appointed a legal guardian of the Trust - leaving me "Guardianship of the Person" which needs approval to spend one dime on her diapers, nutritional needs, or creature comforts she may desire at any given moment whilst paying her bills and figuring out how to pay what's not even mine anymore because of probate still ongoing.
I have been taking care of things from A to Z without any problems and actually started to see a dramatic increase in her financial assets before all the courts got involved. They made dam sure they got their fees paid and I still have not seen my so called agreed "salary" or reimbursement for any of my out of the pocket expenses relating to the needs of Eleanor's like medicine, shoes, socks, clothes, bedding etc... let alone I am not making any reportable income, so no insurance, no 401(k), no medical, no nothing!
This past week we have been "visited" by an outside nurse for "Evaluation", the maintenance person who is taking care of her home south of us, 2 Case Management workers and had a hospital bed delivered. Each and every "visit" is unannounced, so the dogs go off - and all four wind up having to go into the backyard - regardless of the weather - and the 2 cats need to be put away before Milkman winds up escaping again and since no one in the court knows that Eugene and I are married, let alone living together he is currently "under wraps and in hiding" so as not to have to get involved with the gestapo of the judicial system. (Crazy, I know - it gets even better!)
What is the matter of urgency (Eleanor's weight loss???) was not addressed with the no show phlebotomist and no show x-ray technician. I clearly showed me their priorities and I told them all off at the doctors office this morning.
These nosey/busy bodies butt in thinking they are on their high horse to "save the world" by making matters worse - let alone damn inconvenient for an old lady of 85 years very, very tired, cranky and wanting to be left alone. It's completely disrupting to a once proud, private, Scottish, Eastern Star, wife of a highly decorated US Air Force Captain (who is buried in Arlington and served in 3 wars with over 25 years of service) that made her mark in life and only seeks peace and comfort. I asked them to give the woman the dignity she deserves and stop confusing her already debilitated capacity.
What more can a stranger do for a woman I spoon feed and literally change her diapers and wipe her bum? Will they trim her nails and rub the lotions on her she needs for her dry skin with loving healing hands? Will they brush her teeth and sing to her? Will they stroke her head when she wakes with a start and with a gentle kiss make the "boogie men" go away? Will they make sure her showers are complete and scrub away the goodness only knows funk that old people get between their toes for no reason? Will they put the drops in her eyes and have that real soft hankie she likes so much ready to wipe away the excess? Will they read to her? Watch her love of golf (oh how I despise watching golf) and attempt to carry on conversations about Tiger Woods? Or sit and color in coloring books?
Never mind the constant barrage of laundry - preparing and making meals/food that she will eat using the ingenuity to go back to basics and make basically baby food again so it's not so tiring to chew and swallow since after a few bites she falls asleep, daily physical therapy and making it fun instead of work that would knock her out for 3 hours or more when the physical therapist did show up.
On top of all this, the respite caregiver broke her arm 4 weeks ago so I had not been able to get out of the house alone with Eugene for a month.
I guess I'm tired of being sick and tired. LC/CT/fubar was/is my way of escaping the cold harsh reality that the end is near and I never want to wind up in that predicament. It's a place I can be myself without all the responsibility that weighs heavily on my mind. I feel as if I am under a microscope and heavens forbid something does happen to her, I'd wind up in jail or something you hear about in the news.
So if I don't get to my friends stashes, photos, mums or comment bombing raids - forgive me - I do have a life outside the box to deal with and am at the mercy of the courts, the guardians, and Eleanor's immediate needs first and foremost.
Eugene understands this and is by my side through thick or thin - and he is my saving grace as to not having thrown in the towel at this point - but it's close - it's real close - then the real change begins and we start to live again!
With that - I just wanted to say that there are many beautiful, wonderful, dear and real friend I have made being here - and I know you will understand if I'm not always available. For those that don't - well, I a sorry for you and hope you never have to go through anything I just described - cause that's the real hell - heaven is the love I share with the ones I Love.
I love you all and wish you peace, love and joy - each and every moment of each and every day - cause life is to damn short getting caught up in complaining, whining or the bullshit that many like to surround themselves with.
It's all a matter of choice. I see nothing wrong with being choosy as to how I spend my time and with whom so if all I am are points to you - please - have a nice life and move on. Thank you for crossing my path. For those that read this and are my true friend - I thank you from the bottom of my heart - cause you really do mean the world to me!
