-in my darkest hours-
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I am alone again, like most days. Sitting in front of my computer, chatting with AOL friends... Just a typical day here at home. But not completely normal. Maybe the feeling is that I'm lost, or that I'm confused. I can not honestly make the difference between the two. The Sun has just gone down and I am listening to silence. The fan behind me is playing with my long dark hair and it feels wonderful. If only it would blow away my mood. I know there are so many things I can be doing right now, like writing more of my books or watching a movie.. But it just isnt enough. It isnt satisfying. I'm looking for something, or at least i feel like I am waiting for something. What it is, I do not know. Something exciting or maybe even frightening. I need a wake up call. Something to make me feel more alive than I am. I feel like life is dying more and more every day. There is nothing to stop it. Its decaying has resulted in this numb feeling running through my veins. I have felt these things before, since I can remember actually. I need an outing. A trip, if you will. Something to fill me with life so much that it wakes me from this state of stillness and the bitter taste of days that pass by me just sitting here. In my darkest hour, every day, same time and place. It grows old, and I tire of the boring light of day that shows me nothing but the return of night.Resulting in this. My darkest hour. 8pm. The Sun has now kreeped below the mountian. It is almost completely night outside and I come back to my own reality. Maybe tomorrow I will return here to tell some more. But as for right now, it is even my darkest our. Night, and I am still yet alone and will be until the Sun rises high and I wake again, to my empty bed again. My life, oh my life. It is so beautiful how simple and free I am. Even now with my darkest hour ending, I can smile mischievously, knowing what I can do with myself. Oh I'm so bad. Not all terrible things are so bad. I have learned that now. But I am oh so bad. And I love every second of it..
