XaviRoseMaiden's blog: "thinking , reflecting"

with ihm it feels different it feels so natural .. we barely met and here i am thinking we may end up together .. such silly thoughts i have sometimes , as i look out of my window i was somewhere else .. somewhere closer ... closer to the ocean to him ... so strange these feelings .. so strong its scary .. im trying to hiold back i just get so excited its hard .. i dont know what ot .. i leave my window open and i hear the cars go by ,cars going everywhere .. people going out to dance to laugh to sing ... and here i am at home .. i might as well be alone .. and i can't stop thinking about him .. 

i'll dry the tears before they fall .. i'll stop waiting to sell if he'll call ..  times only knows .. time seems to play such evil tricks on me .. 

i want to scream out his name ..  and let him know how i feel.. its crazy .. i keep telling myself its just a crush ..  and im crazy .. 

noo it can't be .. falling is not something i want .. it hurts so damn much ... falling falling .. hard .. i keeep trying to catch myself .. stop myself ... but its so hard ... i keep landing off balance .i fall .. dwon on my knees. and scrape them  ... it hurts but it doesnt stop me .... i pushed myself back up slowly .determined not to stay down no matter what ... 

Shall i wait i tell myself , waiting for him again .. kicking myself for getting so close .. to close to fast .. like a fire that burns so brights .. and then at the end it fizzles .. 

is that what love is .. or it eternal flame just needing to be looked after for the flame to keep burning ...  i alow myself to imagine to many things to imagine myself to be happy .. to imagine myself with a family ..   to have somenoe who wakes up and say honey its great to see you .. so great ... honey lets go do this .. lets go tak the kids somewhere together and have good time ... those are the simple things i wish for .. and yet sometimes it seems so much ..  too much ... 

i force the tears away .. the old love is so g onee ... so dead .. but the scars are there .. there so brightly .. let him in again .. i let him be close .. and then once again ... it hurt so bad ..   but now i know .. i know i did everything .. and it still wasn't enough im not the one he wants and never will be .. 

ill never give up my passion again .. ill never give up my freedom to be me ... ..

so now u know whys so scary to fall .. its like i heading for a cliff a waterfall .. hoping this time some noe will hold my hand .. someone will realy get me .. get me enough to peel back the layers .. get me enough to want more then night .. more then week .. maybe a bf .. .. time will only tell ... 

i'm torturing myself over you .. and .. once again it could be nothing ... time will tell ..