SherryliciousMmmmm's blog: "Jokes"

Okay so a guy is near the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. Lettuce!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! She screams. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant! Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!!!"

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle? The little old lady replies,"Yep, my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is becoming very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times.

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii.I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas. And Earlene got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if she didn't get pregnant again!" Luther asked Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob said, "This year she's goin' with me!"

A bicyclist was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried your best to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The bike rider pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.” "The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Please take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The bike rider thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Will Survive... SING IT GIRLS!!! At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died! But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on... But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a Big Mac and All you've brought was a French Fry! I should have known it Was bullshit, just your sad pathetic dream Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking deep within those jeans! Go on no w - go, ! Walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a prick to think I wouldn't find out for myself!? Don't You know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!! [Chorus] I will survive! I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive! With a handful of latex and my friend with multi-speeds! I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey! It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw Your little weiner standing tall and proud! But to hell with Your ego and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all My lovin' for a cordless multispeed! Go on now - go, ! Walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a prick to think I wouldn't find out for myself!? Don't You know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!! I will survive!I will survive! Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive! I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex! I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!! A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!" and doing so draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!" The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!