Ok I was going to write something else here but I just don’t feel like it no more!
You know its been a long time since the good old days when I had nothing to worry about but what I was going to have for dinner......but those days are long gone.... now I have to worry where the cash is coming from.... I went for an inter view just a few days ago and almost the next day I get an email back saying they have all the people they need..... You know how many times I have been told this? Huh...... fuck 23 times since I moved here! Wtf is it about me that makes people thinks twice about hiring me!..... Maybe if I dressed Goth like I used to I would actually get the fucking job! Retarded fuckers!.....
Ah well this is what life has made of me.... so this is how I will go.... just cos I have been knocked back dose not mean I’m going to give up!..... No fucking way! It takes a hellava lot more then that to stop me!.... but I’m allowed to piss am moan about it! Lmao.....
Ok for the first time in a really fucking long time I’m actually depressed! Have been for about a week now! But don’t give me your pity.... I don’t want it.... call me self centred I don’t fucking care!..... *Yeah hard to peg huh* the people I talk to don’t see it thank goodness I’m getting better at hiding the fact my heart is cracking...... I try to write something nice for a dear friend of mine but all I get is dark and disturbing things!...... not that I mind but it really makes for a bad gift to give someone a story about killing things slowly ....... 3 pages I have on the best ways to kill painfully...... I would go to a therapist but I could not be fucked!..... meh....
Have a fare bit going through my head right now.... just want to crawl into a dark cave and surrender to what lies inside me!. Not to mention the cravings..... DARK fucking cravings.... for thing I would rather never share with anything living!...... let me put it this way.... when I scare myself... it must be fucking bad...... the human mind is a disturbing thing.... and I have no idea why I’m even thinking half the stuff I do..
Ok feeling huh... here are my feelings... I’m empty inside. I feel as though there is something missing inside me and I don’t understand how to feel it! I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing! Time just seems to fly by and I’m so confused that it is starting to hurt!.... there is a coldness creeping into me... one I have long since feared it has been coming for a long time and there is only so much I can do alone to stop its advance!.... sometimes I just sit on the bed and just star into places that I have no right to go..... places filed with hate and death.....cold places I used to life when I was younger.... those places that you saw in the dead of night in your nightmares..... you know something odd.... horrors don’t scare me anymore... not even zombie flicks... now I just sit there and enjoy the gore and horror... dose this make me bad..... am I become depraved.... I know I’m perverted.... but this just feels more natural.... if I’m coming out then what am I?.... some kind of monster!... some nightmare better left in the dream where I belong!... I don’t feel hate any more.... the last thing I hated my friend helped me see was not so bad.... so now what’s left... nothing to hate but myself... all my weaknesses all my pathetic nature.....
Well.... I have more but if I write it you would still be reading it! That is if you are even still reading this... lolz... not that I mind if you dont1... as I said I’m not after pity .... just needed to write this I guess.... prolly write a lot more before this month is up......
Anyway.. I’m off... catch ya round some time....
Wolfe~
