Ugh. I am so disappointed with myself. I started exercising Monday. Worked out Tuesday and by Wednesday I quit. Sometimes I wish I could take a pin and just poke a hole in my stomach and watch it deflate. But I know what the problem is. I can't leave the junk foods alone or the cokes.
That is my down fall and its mainly my mom's fault for buying the crap. I just don't get it sometimes you know. I can hold out and then there are days where I just cave in and eat tons of junkfood. >.<
Like yesterday I wanted this beautiful shirt that we had at work and because my arms are so freaking bulky, I couldn't wear it. It's not fair. Also yesterday I didn't eat a big breakfast because we had an awards ceremony at work yesterday and well they fed us breakfast and I grabbed the wrong lunch and I didn't eat til I got home. Which was like 2:30 pm. Then I ate a late supper.
I'm going to start cutting back on my food and when mom goes to the grocery store I hope she buys me lots of veggies that I can take to work. I will start eating healthier. Some fruits I can handle and some I can't.
I got to talk to Teddy last night and the poor boy is missing Rose so much he can't see straight. Poor guy. And then we were talking about our dreams and he had his different from mine. His was a night mare. He was the best man instead of the groom and it hurt him so bad to watch me fixing to marry another man. I told him I couldn't do that. I had to be with him. And I told him in my dreams I saw our wedding bands. They were either white or yellow gold with Anhks engraved into them. And he spilled the beans that our rings were white gold. Then he proceeds to beat himself up verbally. And I told him not to.
He's just under alot of stress. His friend is in the hospital sick, he lost his wallet, he was late to class, he misses Rose and sometimes he doesn't get enough time with me online.
We both need each other so bad that it's nearly driving us insane. Usually when I have a night mare or a dream I don't want to dream...he steps in. But this time he didn't. I dreamed that I was doing intimate things with Andrew M. And I was like no. I don't want to be doign this. And Teddy never stepped in.
I woke up in tears. Not because I was scared to death or anything but because Teddy didn't interfere. I wanted him. Not Andrew. And as I laid in bed wondering who it was Teddy watched me marry, I wondered if it was Andrew.
I don't want Andrew. I want Teddy. Teddy is my life. He's my soul.
There are no words to literally describe how I feel for my baby. Like yesterday while waiting on the doors to open for the Velocity concert, I saw visions of me and Teddy running around in my front yard on a sunny day while we were in shorts. I fell and he landed on top of me but not hard enough to hurt me. Or I saw visions of us running around and me running right into his arms. We were always laughing and smiling. Happiness. That is what it was about. And Love. Those visions were showing me that we will be perfectly fine.
The other day Joannie was telling me that me and Teddy wouldn't work out because while he's in college there is os much for him to do and crap and it scared me because I don't want to lose him and he told me different which was a good thing. He won't allow stuff like that to happen. He told me he's not a partier. But he did tell me that he was meeting with some other Wiccans to see about starting a coven or a club. I just want him safe that's all. I don't want any harm to come to him.
Now about the Velocity show. First performance was Seven Story Fall which they were really good out of the first two bands. The second was The Awkward Romance. I wasn't to partial to them but they were cool and then finally Velocity. They rocked. They even had a new member which I didn't know about. Shows how much I keep up with the bands right? *laughs* But all in all they were great. There are some new pictures up in my photo album on here so check them out.
I spoke with um...The Pastor's wife at Church In The Now and I was really amazed at how welcome they made me and Kayleigh feel. Something you don't see at my church. And they don't judge you either based on what you wear or your color or anything. That church is so laid back it wasn't even funny.
To think that someone at our church wouldn't let Velocity come to perform for the youth because the lead singer and the drummer are the Pastor's children. Ugh I can't stand people that judge...
Anyways. I love Velocity. And I might just change from my church to that church. Everyone loved my car too. Even with the HIM, The 69 Eyes, And My Chemical Romance Decals on my window. They didn't even tell me that I was sending mixed signals. You know why? Because I saw members of that church at the Cradle of Filth concert That is why.
Freaking people...
Tonight I have to work from 4-10 pm but I think I will mostly be doing put backs and probably restocking the Junior Girl South Pole area. If it even sold down at all. Then tomorrow I work from 11-5 which it probably won't be that busy. I don't even know why they extended the hours because most people will be at church. Use your brain people. Mmm but of course its all about the money to half these freaking companies. It's not about respecting other peoples needs to go to chruch and such.
Whatever. I'm out. I'm getting aggravated the more I write.
