PieceOfAdvice's blog: "Just A Thought..."

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY: 1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "Inbox." 5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffine addictions, switch to expresso. 6) In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 7) Finish all your sentences with, "in accordance with the prophecy." 8) Dont use any punctuation marks 9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 12) Sing along at an opera. 13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 16) Have your coworkers address you by your professional wrestling name, "Rock Hard Kim." 17) When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I WON!! I WON!! 3rd time this week!!!" 18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! THEY'RE LOOSE!!" 19) Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

THE RULES (We guys always hear "The Rules" from the female's point of view. Now the tables are turned. Sit down, buckle up, keep all arms and legs inside the cockpit, put your head between your knees because we're going DOWN!) [Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose. Thank you, and enjoy your flight.] 1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1) Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1) Don't cut your hair ever. Long hair is always more attractive than cute short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair. 1) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1) Crying is blackmail. 1) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!!! 1) We don't remember dates. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 1) Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 1) "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1) Check your oil! Please. 1) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. It is a dangerous question, and as such we can refuse to answer. 1) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and/or angry, we meant the other one. 1) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 1) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like the Windows default settings. "Peach," for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what "muave" is. 1) If it itches, it will be scratched. It's what we do. 1) We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 1) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," then we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to -- expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really! 1) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the Shotgun Formation, fishing, or monster trucks. 1) You have enough clothes. 1) You have too many shoes. 1) NO! No, you really do have too many shoes. 1) It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. And no, it doesn't matter which quiz. 1) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 1) I am in shape. Round is a shape. Thank you very much for taking time out of your day to read this. I hope you found it educational, as well as entertaining. (Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.)

What do you do... When your every intention is to help, But you wind up being a hinderance, And it can't be explained? What do you do... When you have all the makings of a hero, But you end up playing the part of the villian, Despite your best efforts? What do you do... When expressing how much you care Is interpretted as how much you want control Regardless of your actions? What do you do... When you put yourself at risk In order to provide for another Just to have them bite the hand that feeds them? What do you do... When you have the desire and the means to assist In situations even beyond your control, And watch them turn and walk away? What do you do... When you have the answer. You see the finish line, And you still have to watch them make a mistake? What do you do... When you drop off the face of the planet To take time for yourself And someone knocks on your door? What do you do... When you're the life of the party. You're always handed the camera, And you're never in any of the pictures? What do you do... When all roads lead to nowhere, Yet you find a detour, Just to have them stop and sight-see? What do you do... When you've done all you can do, And there's nothing left to do, But what you have done is never enough? What do you do...?

When you care to a fault, You no longer look at the surface of an individual, You look at their potential. You don't see them for what they can do, You see them for what they could be. When you care to a fault, You disregard yourself for their well-being. Your acts of selflessness caiter to their best interests. You do without in order for them to have abundance. You go the extra mile to push them a step forward. When you care to a fault, Their success is your food. Their happiness is your water. Their comfortability is your sleep. And their growth is your smile. When you care to a fault, What's yours is theirs. What's theirs is theirs. What they do not have will be theirs, And their wish is your command. When you care to a fault, Your health begins to waver. You don't sleep well. Your appetite drops. Your mind plays tricks. When you care to a fault, You run yourself into the ground. You're quick to anger and slow to forgive. You are never satisfied, yet ask for nothing. You crave what you cannot have. When you care to a fault, Your pain is a sign of prosperity. Your sluggishness is a sign of a job well done. Your forgetfulness is a sign of thoughtfulness. Your hunger is a sign of justice. When you care to a fault, You don't need anyone to care for you. The person you are is not an issue. The way you feel is not a priority. The things you do is none of their business. When you care to a fault, You are both blessed and cursed.

According to some study the first letter of your name represents your sexuality . (between you and me i would like to know Who has time to research all this haha) -A- You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it’s action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate’s physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the “hunt” invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern. -B- You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment. -C- You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without. -D- Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in you're involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open mind. -E- Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.) -F- You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover. -G- You are crap in bed! (Remember.... I didn't write this!) -H- You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover. -I- You have a great need to be loved, appreciated...Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful. -J- You are totally fucking marvelous! -K- You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it’s all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating; otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated. -L- You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover’s savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly new to it. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies. -M- You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and also enjoy mothering your mate. -N- You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover. -O- You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check. -P- You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; A good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification. -Q- You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going. -R- You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not brag, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate. -S- You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along. -T- You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your own head. -U- You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant ratification. You are willing to put your partner’s pleasure above your own. -V- You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means positing him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant. -W- You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games. -X- You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head. -Y- You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forget the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are open, stimulating, and romance.

AQUARIUS WOMEN: Always make the right moves, say the right things and create the right ambiance. You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid!. Believe that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius and Aquarius. Favorite sex position: standing-up, and in water. AQUARIUS MEN: Never treats a woman like a sex object and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down to it. May have be to revved up, but once his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistence. He will always see you through to climax. A woman who knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually ensures an orgasm twice - once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones: gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful though a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn't like to be denied! ARIES WOMEN: Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere, you know what you want - intense and frequent sex, you have a need for complete control, but you also fall in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthly. Biggest thrill the tickle of a man's facial fuzz. ARIES MEN: Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs-you never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favorite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward. CANCER WOMEN: Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvelous lover for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate passion with a fervor that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. On your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favorite position: lying prone while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual pleasure! CANCER MEN: His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other than the bed, likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral manipulation! You'll like the trip as it is as much traveling to a place as it is arriving. His favorite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward. Best sex mates: Leo, Pisces, Scorpio, and Virgo. CAPRICORN WOMEN: Don't need much foreplay - you go from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation, only in staying power. Since you like to dominate, you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm and please yourself. Once into the rhythm, lovemaking becomes a wild contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting there more than once. Also a scratcher and a screamer. Best sex mates: Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces. CAPRICORN MEN: Sex evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer. Prefers a woman who knows what he enjoys and he expects her to willing and ready whenever he wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. Here is the man who will hold off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone: a massage the starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine. GEMINI WOMEN: Often the aggressor, you are never embarrassed by your behavior because you never adhere to any standards except your own main requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the Gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best sex mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries. Favorite gadget: the vibrator. GEMINI MEN: He likes it with the lights on in front of the mirror. He can work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral sex is his favorite pastime, but he will take his time with other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, more concerned with satisfying himself than his partner, but he is more adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear. His erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm. LEO WOMEN: Like to be pleased by sex. Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets! Intensely responsive and there are bed partners who have scars to prove it. You have a need for oral gratification, both giving and receiving. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates: Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cut-out bras and panties! LEO MEN: Simply brushes aside rules and conventions. One important rule to remember about him: NEVER tease. His endurance is remarkable & he has a great appetite for making love. He likes women in the submissive position & oral sex is okay only when he is on the receiving end. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable. LIBRA WOMEN: Drama is the key word - you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Like any position where your buttocks are exposed. LIBRA MEN: Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of the menage a trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He likes women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them! PISCES WOMEN: A slow starter, you idealize love and encompass it with tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and like trying new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't try. Believe that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests! Your favorite position: kneeling forward while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn. PISCES MEN: Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving. Likes sex in a chair. He likes to be submissive. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zone: massaging and caressing his feet. SAGITTARIUS WOMEN: You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a tent, camper or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon possible. Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't mind if your man comes too quickly - you are a generous and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo, Libra and Aquarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories - gloves and shoes! SAGITTARIUS MEN: Sex is rarely an intense experience with him he often comes too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic massage - both oral and manual. His tongue can be wicked instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive affect! Erogenous zones: hips and thighs. And he likes to look at a woman' calves and thighs and likes to have sex with a woman in stockings. SCORPIO WOMEN: Inquisitive, searching and experimental. Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While looking like a perfectly lady in public, you dress and behave like a whore in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important and will try anything to help your man maintain his potency. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils, flavored lubricating gels and vibrators. SCORPIO MEN: A lustful, sexy animal. Enjoys biting and sucking and is a master of oral sex. Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at nipples or the insides of thighs. Likes it in the water, but his kink is that he prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. His erogenous zone is his genetalia. TAURUS WOMEN: Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. You don't look for unusual approaches. You are a demanding lover. You never take no for an answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile. Favorite place: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one. TAURUS MEN: He is the ideal lover - sensitive and understanding of his partner's feelings. He prefers it slow and easy, he won't be your guide to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go to for long and luxurious oral sex. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone: gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck. VIRGO WOMEN: You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment, and your grace and modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favorite kink: can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarians. VIRGO MEN: Too shy to make an overture arrives, you had better be prepared for him to bring his PJ’s, shaving equipment and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it & having talked about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed with pornography. Erogenous zone: his buttocks

You Know You Grew Up In The 80's If... 1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE". 2. You watched the Pound Puppies. 3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair " ...and can do the "Carlton". 4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy. 5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own. 6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls. 7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom. 8. Two words: Hammer Pants. 9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock ". 10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and "spokey-dokes" or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect. 11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales". (Woo ooh!) 12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. 13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head. 14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen... and still know the turtles names. 15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school. 16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side. 17. You played the game "MASH ". (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House) 18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it. 19. L.A. Gear... need I say more. 20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM " in Kindergarten. (She's truly outrageous) 21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing " and all the Ramona books. 22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF". 23. You wanted to be a Goonie. 24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us... head-to-toe) 25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted. 26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf. 27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard. 28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets. 29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence. 30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts. 31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band. 32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hookup. 33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets. 34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like ..24, probably in neon colors, too) 35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?" 36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up" 37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates. 38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide. 39. You have ever played with a Skip-It. 40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds. 41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement. 42. You remember Popples. 43. "Don't worry, be happy" 44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks. 45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do...getting yelled at by "younger hip" members of the family) 46. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK " 47. You remember boom boxes. and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that. 48. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies. 49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!" 50. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little Pony Tales " 51. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot. 52. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac. 53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool... and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB". 54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell ", the ORIGINAL class. 55. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART. 56. You just sang those words to yourself. 57.You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. 58. Homemade Levi shorts. (the shorter the better) 59. You remember when mullets were cool! 60. You had a mullet! 61. You still sing "We are the World" 62. You tight rolled your jeans. 63. You owned a bannana clip. 64. You remember "Where's the Beef?" 65. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about Willis?" 66. You had big hair and you knew how to use it. 67. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. 2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. 3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle" 4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. 6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. 8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino. 9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. 10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. 11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog. 12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. 13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww). 14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine. 16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. 17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented.) 18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before! 21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver! 22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. 23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. 24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white. 25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.) 26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.) 27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb 28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. 29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (Guess what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store?) 30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying! 31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. 32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. 33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

The Basics Pirate lingo is rich and complicated, sort of like a good stew. If you want a quick, linguistic fix, a surface gloss, a "pirate patina," if you will, here are the five basic words that you cannot live without. Master them, and you will be talking like a pirate with a smile on your face and a parrot on your shoulder, if that's your thing. Ahoy! - "Hello!" Avast! - Stop and give attention. It can be used in a sense of surprise, "Whoa! Get a load of that!" which today makes it more of a "Check it out" or "No way!" or "Get off!" Aye! - "Why yes, I agree most heartily with everything you just said or did." Aye aye! - "I'll get right on that sir, as soon as my break is over." Arrr! - This one is often confused with arrrgh, which is of course the sound you make when someone pulls the football away as you are about to kick it from a running start. "Arrr!" can mean, variously, "yes," "I agree," "I'm happy," "I'm enjoying this beer," "My team is going to win it all," "I saw that television show, it sucked!" and "That was a clever remark you or I just made." And those are just a few of the myriad possibilities of Arrr! "Advanced Pirate Lingo", or "On Beyond 'Aarrr!'” Once you've mastered the basics, you're ready to start expanding your pirate vocabulary. Try these for starters Beauty – The best possible pirate address for a woman. Always preceded by “me,” as in, “C’mere, me beauty,” or even, “me buxom beauty,” to one particularly well endowed. You’ll be surprised how effective this is. Bilge rat – The bilge is the lowest level of the ship. It’s loaded with ballast and slimy, reeking water. A bilge rat, then, is a rat that lives in the worst place on the ship. A lot of guy humor involves insulting your buddies to prove your friendship. It’s important that everyone understand you are smarter, more powerful and much luckier with the wenches than they are. Since bilge rat is a pretty dirty thing to call someone, by all means use it on your friends. Bung hole – Victuals on a ship were stored in wooden casks. The stopper in the barrel is called the bung, and the hole is called the bung hole. That’s all. It sounds a lot worse, doesn’t it? When dinner is served you’ll make quite an impression when you say, “Well, me hearties, let’s see what crawled out of the bung hole.” That statement will be instantly followed by the sound of people putting down their utensils and pushing themselves away from the table. Great! More for you! Grog – An alcoholic drink, usually rum diluted with water, but in this context you could use it to refer to any alcoholic beverage other than beer, and we aren’t prepared to be picky about that, either. Call your beer grog if you want. We won’t stop you! Water aboard ship was stored for long periods in slimy wooden barrels, so you can see why rum was added to each sailor’s water ration – to kill the rancid taste. Drink up, me hearties! And call whatever you’re drinking grog if you want to. If some prissy pedant purses his lips and protests the word grog can only be used if drinking rum and water, not the Singapore Sling you’re holding, keelhaul him! Hornpipe – Both a single-reeded musical instrument sailors often had aboard ship, and a spirited dance that sailors do. We are not big fans of the capering, it’s not our favorite art form, if you will, so we don’t have a lot to say on the subject, other than to observe that the common term for being filled with lust is “horny,” and hornpipe then has some comical possibilities. “Is that a hornpipe in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? Or both?” Lubber – (or land lubber) This is the seaman’s version of land lover, mangled by typical pirate disregard for elocution. A lubber is someone who does not go to sea, who stays on the land. More likely than not, you are a lubber 364 days of the year. But not if you’re talking like a pirate! Then the word lubber becomes one of the more fierce weapons in your arsenal of piratical lingo. In a room where everyone is talking like pirates, lubber is ALWAYS an insult. Smartly – Do something quickly. “Smartly, me lass,” you might say when sending the bar maid off for another round. She will be so impressed she might well spit in your beer. Top Ten Pick-Up Lines Pirates Use 10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly? 9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm? 8. Come on up and see me urchins. 7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you. 6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon. 5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole? 4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder? 3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free. 2. Well blow me down? And the number one pickup line pirates use is … 1. Prepare to be boarded. Bonus pickup lines (when the ones above don't work, as they often won't) 0. They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big. -1. You’re drinking a Salty Dog? How’d you like to try the real thing? -2. Wanna shiver me timbers? -3. I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted. -4. That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on. -5. Let's get together and haul some keel. -6. That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there. Top Ten Pickup Lines for the Lady Pirates By popular demand ... 10. What are YOU doing here? 9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed) 8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad! 7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?" 6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard! 5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!" 4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs! 3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers! 2. RAMMING SPEED! (my personal favorite) ...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line: 1. You. Pants Off. Now!

DID YOU KNOW... The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Oh wow... that totally explains everything! Now I know why women are from venus and men are from mars!) Apples, not caffine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man." Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Pearls melt in vinegar. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca~Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (Oh man... see, this is the kind of information that you know you need to know, but when you do know you wish you didn't.) Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." (Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!) And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I can only imagine how weird it must seem to turtles that we humans can't do the same thing, yet we can talk out of them. Amazing. Simply amazing.)