so i have alot on my mind...its been a very long day...hell its been a long year already and i have so many thoughts and emotions at the moment that i just really don't know what to do to handle them...so i am writing a blog.
the last couple of years have been a struggle for me. dealing with life and all that happens sometimes just gets to be too much. dont get me wrong...i am grateful for all God has given me in my life...and i am not talking material things. I know that this is a blog and people will read what i put down...but i dont care. at this moment i just need to write and get some stuff out of my head..so if you read this maybe you will relate, maybe not. I am not putting this here for comments or bashing...i am putting this here because i have to put it somewhere...please dont come back at me with..."your punctuation sucks or you aren't putting capital letters or you are using slang...i am not in english or language class..and i am intelligent and know how to write...but this is just a little brainstorming and i really don't care what it looks like...lol.
ok so in the past two years i have dealt with my mom getting throat cancer, my mom having an anurysm on the aorta going into her stomache, ending up with a staff infection which nearly killed her and ending up diagnosed with copd and second stage emphysema...which has led to her lungs continuously catching bacteria which keeps her in a state of pnuemonia...she is on her sixth bout in less than a year and she is 76 years old...not good. my dad also fell ill and was hospitalized at the exact time my mom was having her anuerism surgery..it was his heart and he almost died. my son who got his girlfriend pregnant at 16 ended up with a baby, graduated highschool, got married six days after he turned 18, moved out went to the airforce and left town for basic...he is now stationed with his wife and two babies one three and one three months down in florida...i have not seen him in a year and a half, my grandbaby lexi in over a year and have never met the newest who was born jan 20th. my boyfriend who i live with for three years now has been very ill for over a year and we just found out what the problems are...this is after numerous visits to numerous doctors who havent had a clue to what his problem has been and wouldnt even try to help for the first nine months because of no insurance. i just found out that my boy is deploying to irag in three days and at the moment he will not talk with me..i also lost my best friend this year...not to death, thank God, but she got mad and just stopped talking to me...no explaination no reason why...we have been friends for almost thirty years and she is like a sister to me so it has been a painful loss. all of this on top of the fact that i have been off work for two years due to an injury i got at work...lots of free time on my hands which is hard because i have worked almost my whole life...trust me a vacation is nice...being off work for two years sucks! i am in a deep depression that i struggle with on a daily basis and i do pretty good keeping it together on the outside, but on the inside i want to just die...but i know i cant i must keep going. just soooo much i guess it is all starting to take its toll on me.
so here i am with all these problems, living on a very limited income and feeling pretty low about life. i am also at a point in my life where i am looking back at my life and decisions i have made...alot of bad decisions...wishing i could change them and knowing i cant...thats where the anger is coming from. i feel crazy, pissed off and guilty for feeling this way. I have alot of fear going on right now and i worry alot about my mom, my fiance and especially my son going to war.
someone said once that "fear is the absence of faith" and i am wondering is this true? i mean everyone has fear and it is a normal response to fear the unknown and fear the known...so is it really the absence of faith when you are feeling fearful?
i am not a religious person. i do not attend church or read the bible...i do however pray and i do believe in a higher power whom i choose to call God. i realize that God gives us what we need even if we dont know why or like it...and everything is just the way it is suppose to be and i realize "this to shall pass" even when it seems to just continue on and on and on. but i have fear and this fear is with me at all times. i fear losing my mom and fiance, i fear i will never regain financial freedom and i am very fearful that my son wont come back from this damn war that doesnt seem like its ever going to end. and i am powerless to change any of it...my mind goes in fifty directions all the time and i forget how to relax and enjoy eachday like i use to....i just feel crazy. I dont know if i have faith or maybe i just dont feel my faith is strong enough all i know is i keep going through the motions everyday hoping things will be ok.
i realize there are those who are going through worse and i empathize with them...but i am not someone who believes that one persons pain is greater than anothers...each has pain and all pain is real to each person. so that is where i am at the moment...just trying to get along in a life that sometimes isnt great and never perfect.
to all the bashers on the tap...please take your derogatory opinions to someone elses blog because the last thing i need right now is negative, useless bullshit...i guess i just need to vent and this is the way i chose to do it tonight...for all those who have given me positive and enlightening conversation and suggestions i thank you from the bottom of my heart...and to ladybyrd02 i thank you ...whether you realize it or not you have touched my soul with your honesty and caring and you have a place in my heart...even though we have never met what you have shared with me has helped...and i thank you.
to all please keep my boy in your prayers along with all the other soldiers out there...and may God bring them home soon and well.
