Killer Networking - You just dont get it do you?
So, you've got no friends, you're painstakingly cheap and you want to prove you're socially accepted by people who really don't know you. Have you tried networking? You see, I used to be just like you, sitting there in grey underpants which haven't seen soap in the better part of a month, eating Cheetos by the trough and ... well ... fantasizing someone, somewhere found me attractive. I needed to emphasize my good points and it was important there would be no fact checking or investigation into the photographs which I posted as "me" in my online profile. I needed to lie, and I needed it make sure I'd never be caught.
It was just then I found "networking" which is formally defined as, "making links from people we know to people they know, in an organized way, for a specific purpose, while remaining committed to doing our part, expecting nothing in return. "
I refer to networking as my "virtual ticket out of a lonely, dirty existence".
However I do have some Killer Networking Tips which I need to share with you in order for you to become an outstanding networker and by outstanding I mean "average". Please pay attention as I am only going over this once.
(1) Do not spit on anyone you've no formal introduction: There are 31 different types of fluids generated by the human body. I have tasted all of them. I suggest you do likewise.
(2) Set goals for other people: Pry into their business as it will keep you on your toes as you've a closet full of nasty shit to hide yourself, Sparky. Ask your network contact in Portugal if that spinal lesion was due to syphilis or just poor hygiene. If he undergoes surgery, send him a thoughtful card but make sure to cross out the word "Birthday" and write in "Hospital Stay".
(3) Act like you know what's going on in a specialized business field, even if you don't: When speaking to a Taiwanese exporter of circuit boards, tell him he has to give a little "grease" to the Chinese Sinosale Sinochem Hebei Import & Export Corporation in the form of hookers and opium. Tell him you do it all the time. Never use an email for this information. Do this type of business over the phone. Sound like you're in a hurry when you're explaining things to him.
(4) Try to force a sale whenever you speak to someone: This is overlooked in networking and needs to be revisited. People should understand time is to be valued when dealing with others. Remember to follow up each statement you make with the question: So, are you going to buy from me or what? This saves a ton of time - mainly your time - in dealing with no talent ass monkeys who just can't facilitate "moving large amounts of capital".
(5) Be particular with whom you spend your networking hours: Constantly ask yourself, how can this person help me now? Make sure to test the allegiance of your network by constantly asking for "freebies" and if people you know have vacation homes. Tell them you're visiting their area and need a place to stay, if there is any hesitation, delete that contact right after you call them a "fucking tight ass elitist" but before you hang up the phone. This reinforces your authority and conveys you've spent most of your life delegating tasks to your lackeys and various toadies.
(6) Only network with women who have published photographs of them from the waist up: Networking is about eye candy as much as anything. If a chick doesn't have a nice rack, she probably doesn't have any good contacts in the way of executive connections. Don't worry gents, this advice will work for you, too. If she has a pretty face and a small chest, send her nasty sexist jokes after you introduce yourself. If she laughs and finds you "funny" add her to your network. If she knows what the Filthy Sanchez is, put her on the "A" list of network stars. If she asks if YOU know what the Filthy Sanchez is, put her on your cell phone speed dial.
(7) When networking face to face, it is imperative to find a person's tolerance level: Make sure to crack jokes about the poor and people who've suffered social injustice. Remark that if they can't figure out how the system works and play by those rules then they should be shot and buried in mass graves. Immediately ask the person to now buy you a drink as you've educated him on how society will function optimally if your premise is ever implemented.
(8) Offer to speak at networking events as long as there is a cover charge collected at the door: Your time is important and you should be compensated for discussing any of the theories you've uncovered through your years of working and dealing with people. Insist that the venue hosting your speaking engagement also pays you £2,000 up front before you'll consider the offer.
(9) Discuss other people's past business decisions and how you would have done things differently: Make sure in conversation, after you've cut someone off, to explicitly state whatever the person mentioned they accomplished that you've done this faster, better, more economically, more efficiently and with a smaller budget than they had. Learn how to use qualifiers which cannot be measured. People will be immensely impressed when you speak.
(10) Never talk about or elaborate about feelings: If someone mentions it is "nice meeting you", leave out the touchy-feely sentiments in your reply, "Yes, well I don't have time for much lately, so make your boring pitch quickly Pip!" In fact it is important to save your memory for only the truly substantial things - people's names don't qualify for your recollection space. Get used to calling everyone "Pip" and put up your open palm quickly when they try to correct you. Shake your head at the same time and turn as if you're walking away. They'll get the message you mean business.
So, as you can tell, networking is a refined art which cannot be taught but must be absorbed like osmosis. A good networker is not easily identified as they operate through stealth and cunning. A true top networker usually has neurotic problems which keep him confined to a dark room to work out his issues on the internet. There are at least 2 lapsed arrest warrants in his name and some pending litigation regarding circus animals and re-routing an electrical main.
Just because you are a loser doesn't mean networking is not for you. It just means you have to improvise and take liberty with the truth which is why everyone is a winner in their personal profile. People suck and everyone is usually trying to rip you off. Just make sure you beat them to the punch and as many people in your network know about it as possible. You are not a self-centred jerk, you're just trying to reinvent yourself by reinventing the wheel.
And fuck everyone who doesn't like it. Get your own network.
