Ali the Restless's blog: "Life. Love and Fubar"

Well, seeing as how I started writing this thing I suppose it's only right to keep going.......

So some time has passed since the initial shock of being told that I have lung cancer and that my days are probably numbered. Like I said before, I have sat myself down and thought hard and long about it and have made my peace with it.... sort of.... I've spent hours thinking about it, sitting on the beach watching the sea rolling in and out, and watching the waves break on the odd rock and my dog playing on the sand. And yes, I am prepared for the worst but I'm not totally sure if I'm prepared for the best... as strange as that may sound.

Yes we all have off days for sure, but when I look back on my life in general, the bad seem to out number the good and that can't be a good thing. I look at the good, and 2 things stick out in my mind like burning pin points of light in a dark sky... The birth of my 2 sons and the date July 2nd 2010. Other good things that twinkle in the darkness and leave their mark are the friends I have made along the way, both in the real world and here at Fubar. And then I look at the bad, a marriage that was doomed from the day we said "I do" that ran in misery for us both for far too long, the hurt and misery caused by and still being caused by the ending of said marriage, the death of my father, the lapses over the years into virtually becoming an alcoholic, the substance abuse, the constant loneliness of being with someone who you are not in love with and who doesn't love you, December 11th 2010, and a whole plethora other events that make you wonder "Why?"

So you think to yourself, the bad outweighs the good, I can accept that so if you go you can understand it and the logic that goes along with the end of this lifetime. But wait a minute... what about medical science... that says "we can make you all better, or try to anyway, so what have you got to lose?" So you start to think, ok, that sounds good lets do that, and so you decide to fight it and try whatever needs to be tried to make yourself better... and there you have it my friends... catch 22... the eternal circle.... should I stay or should I go?

Yesterday was April 11th 2011. I had my first doctor/patient "chat" about what will happen and what needs to be done. I went to the hospital for my 8:30am meeting ("Be prompt Mr. Soyer") and was promptly seem at 11:42am... I was told by my doctor, a woman who was trained in the USA, that even though they would do everything possible to make sure that I would recover, that realistically my chances of a full recovery are 20% and the chance of my life expectancy of increasing upto 5 years is 40%, now I'm not a betting man but I don't much like the sound of those odds.. So doctor, what are my alternatives and how long do you think I have if I don't have any treatment? Well, it's difficult to say but you can expect about 23 months... 23 months??? Why not 2 years??? Anyway, a month one way or the other isn't going to make that much of a difference, I've already decided to take the treatment and see if I can get into that 20%. So what about the treatment? Whats going to happen and what can I expect?

And so the hard part begins, she tells you what they are going to do to you... 1 Chemotherapy treatment every 2 weeks to see how my body and the cancer reacts and radiotherapy weekly for the first month and then we'll have another little "chat". "and oh yes, you may experience some pain both during the period of the treatment and before and after". So you tell her that, yes well I already have considerable pain and I would like a painkiller thats more effective than the one you gave me before. And then the answer comes that you don't believe and that makes you want to laugh at the same time.. We can't give you anything stronger because those sort of pain medications can become addictive and you don't want that do you?? Hang on! It's me thats in pain here... do you think I care if I get addicted if I may only have "23 months" left to live??? but Oh no... we can't have that now can we... 

So you can see my dilemma! I think they are going on the premise that they want to make me better if it kills me, and if the pain I had a few nights ago and that which I have now is anything to go by, I think that may be the case. So what's it to be??? 

I'd be lying if I said that I haven't had second thoughts, but hey, nobody is perfect... least of all me... Am I ready for life? I don't know.. but I'm just going to have to see how it goes.