CROW's blog: "for the peculiar people and then some"

this is a little bit about me. i'm not sure where to start actually. normally i'm a very private person,but i was given the conviction to not be quite so private,mysterious and hard to get to. i recieved this confirmation/conviction today due to my recent rejection by all of my friends,family and my most dearest friend i have ever had in my whole lifetime. i am a christian now. it has taken me over 30 years before i asked god into my life. im probably not considered a newbie christian anymore,but i'm not sure what the criteria is for that. i still feel like one lol. i'm not educated or scholarly in those things. i have always been genuine with people,but very hard to reach. i am changing that because i was asked to do so,hence this blog. it's not somthing i'd normally do ever,but it must be done.
i am part japanese and was raised buddhist by my japanese mom. my father was raised christian,but i don't ever recall him practicing christianity. i never knew if he believed in god or ever asked god into his life to be saved. so i may never know. i don't know how heaven works. i don't know if we will recognise friends and family in heaven as we did on earth,but i think it would be nice because i sure do miss a lot of people who i know are in heaven. i pray for the ones who won't make it,but they all still have a chance.
i will try not to drag this out because i can be boring and long winded in matters when things start to flow. i will do my best to keep it concise and try to update things later as they come along or if i think i left something out.
all my life i have always been shunned by people and them doing hurtful things. i am very use to that. i attract al things to me,but for so long mostly i only remember negativity to me. i think some of that is where i get my standoffish stance on things. i have been hurt so often by so many people that it's hard to warm up to peeps and let them all the way in.
i havn't done well in relationships. all of my girlfriends have dumped me for another guy. i never understood that. i use to always think it was them,but sometimes when i reflect on things i wonder if it was me. i still don't know. i'm definitely not perfect by any means and will never claim that. i make so many mistakes on a regular basis it's not funny.
i guess because i have been dealt so much harshness growing up and throughout my lifetime that i am hard on the exterior and i really don't mean to be.
over the years as an adult i have been humbled many time,but has always been without god. i can say that god is hard lol,but easy at the same time. it really takes conviction and a lot of work to be like god as he wishes. i think the last 10 years i have been polishing up some,but i havnt been a christian that long though. i'm just saying polishing in general. i didn't come to christ until april 8,2006 and even then it wasn't 100%. i may post anothe blog one day on how it happened,but not now. it happened though. i was wishy washy for a while. i think in the last 4 years maybe,not sure on the timeframe,i have become closer to god slowly. it's been a hard road. i know for sure i have been broken by god atleast 3 times. april 9,2009 was the most recent. i have learned so much in last several years,but possibly the most specifically this year. i can say a lot of frustrating and hurtful things for sure,but are things that needed to happen i know. there is much more to come for sure.
backtracking some... i have 2 young male children,however i havnt seen them or my adulterer ex-wife since middle of 2005. i know one day i will see my two children again one day. i just wish i didn't miss so much of their childhood. you don't get that back. i can only hope that maybe it's because they needed better support than what i may have been able to possibly give at the time...and that maybe they are getting it now by a better man. even though it was done in sin. i have no idea why it happened,well actually i do in a way lol. basically it boiled dwon to the fact i was ignoring god's call to me. i was too busy in life and the materialistic things on earth that will perish. what god did for me was literally take EVERYTHING away from me. no joke...everything. that definitely was a hard time. veru shortly after that my father and grandfather passed on the same day,but in different states. there was a lot more going on that i won't say here now,but it was a mess. i have been compared to job/jobe many times by all walks of life in how my life has gone and also my "supposed" patience lol. i don't know where they see that,but was what they said.
i have a lot going on right now. i know some of it is my fault,but also some of it are things that must happen 1st in order for other things to happen. i have to say this patiently waiting for this to happen is frustrating lol,but i can deal with it. god won't give u anything you can't handle,it's just a matter of whether you seek god for help with the matters because he will answer any request sincerly stated in jesus name. some people that know me understand what i mean by the power of prayer. in some ways i feel funny or weird talking about this stuff. it's not normally me being this open about things because i'm more private. i know some people will joke me and such,but that is of no concern. i'm use to the meaness of the world. i have know that since a young child all through my life. even right now,ever friend or family that i have left(in real life) has turned their backs on me. i have done nothing to wrong them,but i do forgive them. i know i have some nice online friends,but in the earthly manner i do truly feel alone at this juncture. the only comfort i have now and i guess is really all that matter is i have god. god is love and always there. when we sincerely ask in jesus name he will always be there.
i can truly say,that the average person would have killed themselves a long time ago if they were in my shoes. no one will ever have a clue or any idea of what i have gone through and continue to witness in my life here. the only person who has ever gotten anywhere close and actually understood a lot of it is my dear friend warrior cwen. besides god she has been my rock. i truly do love her and appreciate her friendship,love and companionship she has showed and bestowed upon me. i am so lucky to have such a person like her in my life! no one to this day has ever understood me like she does and has witnessed the chaos and calamities of my life lol. i feel so bad for her,to have put her through so much. i do apologise to her for that and hope that she can forgive me one day for subjecting her to those things. we have learned so much from the experience so that is the plus side for sure.
 I TRULY LOVE THE WARRIOR CWEN WITH ALL OF MY HEART UNCONDITONALLY!
i'm not sure what else to put in here right now. maybe some people can offer suggestions in fumail as well as comments.
i hope that i never push anyone away from god because of me possibly being to zealous! i do know that sometimes though because it says in the bible,that he will harden people's hearts because he knows what's in side them and it must be that way. god will give u every chance to redeem yourself with him even on your deathbed! i hope i am never the cause of pushing peeps away from god.
sorry for this being so long. i will add more by editing this or maybe just someupdates. not sure...
also...
i'm not sure how i'm going to handle my profile yet. i have made changes partly by recommendations from god and some on my part,but i was given a conviction of keeping my profile locked for a period of time. i don't know what that period of time is atm. i am waiting for the confirmation to release my profile public again.
thanks for taking the time to read this.
oh...and in my previous blogs,you will see where my mother and grandmother landed in icu basically at the same time. i thought i was gonna lose them both like my father and grandfather. basic update now. my mom is doing a tad better,but still a long way to go :)
hugz to all!

lets see. im adding more i just remembered lol.

i resisted god for a long time even though i felt him. i even had strangers i never knew from anyone prophecy to me about things. i kinda blew em off even though in my mind i kinda believed em,but i still resisted jesus. all of the prophecies from strangers came to pass lol. when i was first broken i didnt go to god right away. but i knew everything that was said had come true. eventually i did ask god into my life. is the best thing i have ever done. i can say though,when u don't follow his direction and rules,you will suffer lol. he gives u many chances too before the punishment. the great thing is we can ask for forgiveness sincerley in jesus name and he will grant it. it's a great thing to know unconditional love. you can get that only one place and is with god. god is love. god wont let u down. no matter how awesome and loyal a friend you might have or friends,they are human and can make mistakes and fail us. god doesn't do that!