Saturday morning, I read a bulletin on myspace that said "In Loving Memory of Missi Holderman". FUCK!
I dont live in South Florida anymore. I havent since 1996. But I GREW UP there. That is my home, or the place I have always called home because it was where I was born and raised.
Missi was a friend of mine. After Hurricane Andrew, she was one of my best. When I first found out the details of her death, I was mad, Then, on the way to work, the sadness hit and I began crying as I drove down the road. My daughter was in the car with me. She said, "Mom, whats wrong?" I replied "Nothing baby." She said, "Why are you crying?" I said, "I'm sorry, baby. Mommy just found out an old friend has died." She said, "So thats not good is it?" I said, "No baby, its not." She said, "Did you love her?" Thats when I lost it.
I once found Missi on myspace, about four months ago. I sent her a message to see how she was. She was fine. She isn't anymore. She is gone now. Forever. Last week she was the victim of a carjacking, where the driver/jacker lost control of the car and ran in to a semi head on. She died instantly. SO did he, but fuck him. My dear childhood friend has now been taken from this wrold.When I cried, I began to think back to us, as little girls. Now keep in mind, this is age eleven or twelve, when we were such badasses and had nothing to lose but the privileges our parents would take away if they knew half the shit we were doing. Her parents worked days, as did mine. I often went to her house and we would manipulate the bottles of liquor in her house, only to fill them up with water. We would sneak boys over while her parents were at work. We would have tons of people over only to frantically clean the house before her mom or step-dad got home from work. My favorite memory was when one time her step-dad came home erly and we somehow managed to sneak everyone out on to the roof via an upstairs window. Now that I recall, it was her little sisters window. I remember the layout to her house like it was yesterday and not fourteen years ago. We were good kids, we just wanted to be liked. I was there the day that Missi lost her virginity. I almost did, too, to her boyfriends friend, but I was too scared. He soon after left me for another one of our friends. I remember all of the summers filled with our crazy times. I remember HER. She was so pretty, even with her two front teeth being a little crooked. She was always such a big FSU fan, and GOD I hated her for that. I stole her FSU scrunchie once upon a time. I only did it cuz I was jealous I couldn't find a UM scrunchie. I still have pictures of her.
I dont know Missi anymore, but I love her. I didn't lie to my child.
I cried for her. I am crying now. I dont know what was entirely lost when Missi was taken last week, but I know, and I mean I KNOW what she once was and what she meant to me in our years of innocnece and fun.
I cried for her. But more, I cried for all of us. All of us lost little girls who had nothing better to do back then but live and laugh. We had no idea what was coming. God knows she didnt. Take me back there and ask me if I would ever expect to be a single mom living in Tennessee. I would have told you to kiss my ass. If you'd have asked Missi if she would be murdered, she'd have laughed in your face as well.
All of my lost little girls, the ones I poured my heart out to when I was young. I block out so much of my childhood but in all honesty, if it wasn't for girls like Missi I would have never made it. They were there for me in all of my "coming of age". I wonder if they ever thinkof me in this same regard. We all GREW up together.
Missi, Christa, Eva, Christy, Kelly, Kim, Kristy, Teri, TRACY, AMI, Amber, Liz, Camille, Jennie, Angie, Jackie, Jessica, Autumn, Kristen, Jennifer, Barbara, Ivy.dont know where more than half of you are now. But in my mind, you are golden. You are all living happily ever after somewhere, in the land we could dream of back then, when we were young. None of you have ever fallen victim to any of life's hard times. When I think of you, I fall back to Redland, back to pre-Andrew, back to our freshman year.
For my TRUE GIRLS...may those of you left be blessed from here on out. Once upon a time you were my world. For you, I will always be gracious for a wonderful memory, of which you will always be a part.
Rest In Peace, Missi Dawn. I hope that everyone who has ever crossed paths with you can remember so much as the adorable freckles on your nose.
