A few hours away from becoming a year older and I've had to look an emotion in the eye that I have been at odds with for the last couple of years. I know it's a lame ass way to put it but it's the only way I can really think of it. I've hashed over this over and over and I'm still no closer to anything that could make sense of this. This thing called...l*** or whatever the hell it's supposed to be...I just don't fucking get it anymore. I refuse to say the word because it just makes me absolutely sick. I can see clear as day that it exists for just about everyone else around me. When it comes to me however it's either one messed up joke I don't get or it's done with me completely.
The last time I even tried to open myself up, to be that "naked", I simply wasn't good enough and I lost her to someone else...again. For the first time however I wasn't sad, just angry, heartbroken and, for the first time, completely disillusioned. I just looked at myself and asked what is this really worth? I'm a decent man and yet this is the end result almost every time. Never mind the reasons behind any of those, either being valid and the typical "Stall Tactics 101" bullshit. Whatever the case I'm not raking any of those women over the coals with this...things happened and there's nothing I could've done to change any of that. Christ that sucks so much whenever I think about it.
But now it's time to get back to the point of this matter. I just don't know what to do about any of this and the thing that amazes me is the things that have been said to me about this subject. From the whole "you're a nice guy, you'll find someone, you deserve it" mess...before I get the backlash I know anyone that actually said that meant it. It's just really tough to handle it when I just keep falling short time after time again. Then there is the new phrase I've been hearing lately "maybe you should give up dating". The catch...every person that's said that to me is ALREADY IN A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP! Are you kidding me!? I mean, being told to throw in the towel from people who don't have that problem anymore seems just wrong. Being told to just give up and walk away with all of this weighing on me...making me question everything I actually care about an believe in is just messed up beyond everything I can think of. Then again they aren't the ones walking around with a gaping hole in their heart.
Then again they could have a point, I don't know. I've been burned and heartbroken so many times there are points that I just want to go out and see how many of the ten commandments I can break before something bad happens. There are even moments where I want to just want to tell l*** to go fuck itself for all of the pain and havoc that it's wreaked on my life. The problem: I know what I'm like when I even been close to any those things. Going down that road caused a lot of my problems in the first place although trying to turn any of those things around didn't do me any good. I won't do that again but what else is there? I've prayed, talked, done almost everything right and this is the end result? That's not good enough, not for me and not anymore.
So where do I go from here...I don't have a clue. Going forward like this will tear me to pieces, that much I know. Turning my back on the one of the few things I hold close to my heart and believe in will be something I'll never forgive myself for. This is the one thing I thought I would never face and, with no kind of answer or glimpse of things getting better in sight, this is one of the toughest things I've ever had to face. It's more than relationships and women, it's about the way I look and lived my life. I keep going like this and I know that I'll be worse for wear but I can still look at myself straight. Giving up on l*** however will take this insane weight from me but I'll turn into something worse. This is one choice I thought I would never have to make...apparently I have no choice. Whomever among my friends is praying and pulling for me out there keep it up, I'll need all the help I can get. Let's just hope that when I turn 28 things will be much better and many miles from where I am now...
