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Love: we want it; we need it; and it's totally outside of our control. We can't make someone love us. We can't even make ourselves love some one else — or stop loving them! It seems to just happen or not happen. How can something so central to our lives be so beyond our control or understanding? Because we need love so much, we let ourselves be fooled by imitations. If I own more or have a more important job than most, or am more beautiful or handsome, then people will admire me. That's sort of like love. If I have sex, I have the attention of another person, and I give and receive pleasure. That's sort of like love. If I indulge myself by buying luxuries, or by being meticulous about my diet and exercise, I feel as though I am treating myself well. That's sort of like loving myself. If I overeat or smoke, I am comforted. That's sort of like love. But none of it is love, and the need doesn't go away. Love can't be faked. Because we need love so much, we try to deny it. We separate ourselves from others, telling ourselves that we're superior or inferior -- it doesn't matter which because it's just an excuse anyway. It's an excuse for avoiding the whole problem of love, as though love could just go away without taking some of our humanity with it. We tell ourselves that we don't need other people, but our hearts cringe as we say it. We eat and drink too much, and watch hours of TV to make ourselves less aware of our need for love. We tell ourselves that our work is enough, but we sense ourselves growing hard and cold. Denying our need for love only makes us less able to let love into our lives. Love can't be forgotten. Because we need love so much, we try to force it. We smile when we don't want to. We say "I love you" when we don't mean it. We have sex hoping our hearts will take the hint. We pretend and pretend and pretend. We are afraid of disturbing our relationships because this imitation love is all that we have. Love can't be forced. We try to fake love, forget about love, or force love, but our need for real love doesn't go away. Our strategies only distract us briefly from the problem. What we need is to know without a doubt that we are treasured, valued, and desired. Nothing can substitute for that. Accepting the imitations of love, denying the need, thinking I can force love to exist — all of these interfere with getting the love that I need. Imitations of love distract us from the real problem. Imitations allow us to tell ourselves that we're OK, even though our hearts know differently. As long as we accept imitations, we'll never find the real thing. We need to let ourselves get hungry for love. We need to realize that something absolutely fundamental is missing from our lives. No one is ever going to love you enough to give you complete confidence that you are loved. No one has that much love in them. That's a hard truth, but an important one to learn.
