is it fluke or real? i cant descide. at times all i want is attention but what what is attention when all guys want is get laid? wheres the love? do guys love me cuz im a flirt or cuz im just that nifty?! yeah being fat kinda gets in the way. no one wants a fat bitch! too bad i am what i am and not even i would change myself...other then loseing some ass. pants are an issue. even thou the lisa's say it's the magic coffee table ass that gets all the pretty boys! yeah i get pretty guys but i cant keep their attention for shit. like lil josh...he went gay came bak and went bi then to gay...i give up on him he hurt me too much. yuh i still talk to him but i do still have feelings for him as i do for the other ass hole who shall remain nameless and one other who i had an affair with for a year and ended up in a bad way...i was pregnant! heaven forbid i shall reproduce a that time and even now im still not ready neither was he but he has a kid now and a life w/o me. we're both unhappy with our lives but he is a lost cause! i need a distraction...a BIG one! so in still dealing w/ post traumatic syndrome after having an abortin is no fun. i stay depressed around this time of year. not to mention lee's cat max died. i road w/ her all the way to sc to take him to her mums house. i misses lee very much! shes so full of spunk & life. after meeting on myspace while she was in richmond we bonded and found out weve been through alot of the same shit. i wanna go see her this summer but i wanna save my money to go to cali. viva la operation burlap! u know who u are!!! lets get into what operation burlap is about. it is my girl friend & i's page on myspace about the "fine" art of kidnapping. it has a minor list of names of people we want to rape. like stewie says... it's time for a sexy party. but bak 2 love... is it gunna bite me in the ass again or will i stub my toe on it? either way if anything happens soon its prolly gunna end up like all the other relationships. cheated on and left in the dust to fend for myself. yes its obvious i have abandonment issuse but if it would stop happening i would get over it! i even feel abandoned by my own family. they dont seem to understand me. mom wants me in thereapy and stay on crazy pills but shes what makes me crazy. if i moved out id be fine. shes a stressor. my shrink dosnt understand that. he just rants on about charrishing ur parents. which i do. they just get in the way of me having a life. if i could get my check and bounce outa here my life would have a few less stressors and some new but i have friends who want me to live with them. its so hard to pick being as they all going in different directions and i feel like im still standing still. n e ways enuff ranting for now love u guys take care.
