Cowboy Cassanova's blog: "Matt's Blogz"

The Fart Name List The Alarm Fart - This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare. The Amplified Fart - This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions The Anticipated Fart - This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart. The Back Seat Fart - This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, "Who farted in the back seat?" The Barn Owl Fart - A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart. The Bathtub Fart - People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. The Biggest Fart in the World Fart - Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farter's. The Bullet Fart - Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans. The Burning Brakes Fart - A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart. The Car Door Fart - Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common. The Celestial Fart - Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare. The Chinese Firecracker Fart - This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number, and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon. The Command Fart - This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions. The Common Fart - This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further. The Crowd Fart - The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common. The Cushioned Fart - A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people. The Did An Angel Speak Fart - This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found. The Dud Fart - The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed. The Echo Fart - This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo. The G and L Fart - This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone. The Ghost Fart - A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart. The Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart - This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, oh my," or "Well, well." There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is. The Jerk Fart - The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart. The John Fart - The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons. The Lead Fart - The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess. The Malted Milk Ball Fart - Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare. The Oh My God Fart - This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable. The Omen Fart - This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention. The Organic Fart - Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best. The Quiver Fart - A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart. The Rambling Phaduka Fart - You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds. The Relief Fart - Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief." Very common. The Reluctant Fart - This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances. The Rusty Gate Fart - The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts. The S.B.D. Fart - S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one. The Sandpaper Fart - This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common. The Skillsaw Fart - A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common. The Sonic Boom Fart - The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off. The Splatter Fart - Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all. The Stutter Fart - If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort. The Taco Bell Fart - The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too. Even on a windy day. The Teflon Fart - Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know. The Thank God I'm Alone Fart - Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank God I'm alone." Then you get out of there fast! The Tickle Fart - A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!

This story I actually pulled off of here, and it is confirmed to be true. The story is actually printed in the New England Journal of Medicine. This is something that gives you hope in what modern medicine can accomplish. Read the story below and comment, pretty damn cool if you ask me.] SYDNEY (AFP) - An Australian girl spontaneously switched blood groups and adopted her donor's immune system following a liver transplant in the first known case of its type, doctors treating her said Thursday. Demi-Lee Brennan was aged nine and seriously ill with liver failure when she received the transplant, doctors at a top Sydney children's hospital told AFP. Nine months later it was discovered that she had changed blood types and her immune system had switched over to that of the donor after stem cells from the new liver migrated to her bone marrow. She is now a healthy 15-year-old, Michael Stormon, a hepatologist treating her, told AFP. Stormon said he had given several presentations on the case around the world and had heard of none like it. "It is extremely unusual -- in fact we don't know of any other instance in which this happened," Stormon told AFP from the Children's Hospital. "In effect she had had a bone marrow transplant. The majority of her immune system had also switched over to that of the donor." An article on the case was published in Thursday's edition of the leading US medical journal The New England Journal of Medicine. Doctors who treated Brennan say she is now only under treatment as an outpatient and are interested to know if the case could have other applications in transplant surgery, where rejection of donor organs by the recipient's immune system is a major hurdle. Stormon said it appeared that Brennan may have been fortunate because a "sequence of serendipitous events", including a post-transplantation infection, may have given the stem cells from her donor's liver the chance to proliferate. The task now was to establish whether the same sort of outcome could be replicated in other transplant patients, he said.

*Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. *When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. *It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box. *When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off. *Chuck Norris can drown a fish. *Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost. *Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep. *Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism. *Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul. *M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this. *Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain. *The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. *Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. *Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. *Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction. *Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience. *Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash. *Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. *Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body. *Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face. *Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up. *Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano *Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. *Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. *Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. *Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone. *If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister. *When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. *Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result. *Chuck Norris' house does not have security guards. Rather, he employs a single man in uniform to lead burglars to his bedroom, where they are never heard from again. *If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef. *Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. *Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. *Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. *Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin. *Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle. *If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance." *Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". *On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence. *Chuck Norris can speak braille. *Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime. *Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. *Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. *Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. *Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. *Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

* When Chuck Norris goes cow-tipping, he lifts a cow up and drop kicks it into the neighboring farm. All the other cows simply tip themselves over to keep from having to walk back in the dark. *We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic. *The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is. *Bullets dodge Chuck Norris. *Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. *Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says. *Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry. *Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him. *Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis. *Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery." *The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats. *Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you." *Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die. *If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. *Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil. *Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye. *Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley. *Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet. *The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things *Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is. *When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please." *Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life. *Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now." *Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further. *A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that. *Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris. *The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

* Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops. * Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card. * "One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'" * People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident. * Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later. * When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. * Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed. * Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer. * Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes. * Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face. * Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus. * People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris * Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper. * Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder. * Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it. * Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown. * Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. * In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming. * Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby. * Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris * Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet. * Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices. * Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete. * The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away * Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time. * There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. * Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox. * There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris. * Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down * Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands. * On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000 * The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris * When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame * Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma. * When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one * You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris * No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish. * Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get '' * On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day. * Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas". * Chuck Norris let the dogs out. * Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth". * Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow. * Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about! * Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own. * Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit. * Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius. * The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris. * The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat. * The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard. * When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money. * In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device. * When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon. * The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat. * Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents. * Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years. * When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg. * Chuck Norris invented the question mark. * Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child. * Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg. * Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face. * Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds. * If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare * Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter. * Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China. * The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second. * Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident. * Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire. * Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds. * Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!! * Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead. * When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next. * Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning. * Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

* Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants. * Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi. * Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode. * The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees. * When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken. * Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball. * Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood. * Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times. * The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime. * Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always. * Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off. * Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people. * Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ. * They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick." * A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move. * Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel. * In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep. * Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God." * "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard. * Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight. * Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists. * In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man. * Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper. * When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive. * Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts". * Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire. * Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed. * Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time. * Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot. * Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice. * Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead. * Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale. * Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris." * Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels. * For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed. * Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal. * Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand. * Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women. * Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get. * For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY. * There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris. * During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds. * Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter. * Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle. * Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven. * Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class. * Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower. * The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep. * Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can. * Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie. * Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate. * Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk. * Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet. * Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back. * If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul. * Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover. * He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies. * Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants. * Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples. * Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain. * Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.

* The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'. * Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists. * The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish. * Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV. * Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face. * Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile. * Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on. * When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul. * Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. * Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting. * If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you. * Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts. * Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states. * A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay. * Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo. * They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody. * Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower. * "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot. * Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter. * After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?" * Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares. * When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help. * There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. * Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris. * The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case. * Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. * Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond. * Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked. * The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher. * Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel. * Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf. * Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich. * For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels. * The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close. * Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota. * Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is. * TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion. * After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history. * Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards. * "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song. * Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. * Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires. * When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes. * Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims. * In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard. * They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them. * There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives. * One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist. * Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer. * Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face. * Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does. * The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter. * Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone. * The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

* Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean. * Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver. * MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart. * Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match. * Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow. * The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking. * It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face. * Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy. * Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time. * Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood. * When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult. * Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard. * 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year. * Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time. * All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face. * If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around. * July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not. * Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth. * In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease" * Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost. * If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch. * In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris. * The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist. * When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy. * Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan. * Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. * Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face. * As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge. * Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told. * Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie". * There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris. * President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time. * Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing. * Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning. * Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car. * Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol. * Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine. * The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence. * Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out. * A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time. * Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. * Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets. * Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil. * Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on. * When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary. * Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die. * Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag. * There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first. * A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. * Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe. * In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time. * Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead. * Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets. * For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest. * In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character. * We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel. * If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas. * In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people. * Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris. * Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic. * Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds. * The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long. * Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards. * Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten. * Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill. * The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy! * For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls. * Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman. * Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq. * Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked. * Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close. * Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound. * How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. * The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case. * When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders. * If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood. * Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off. * Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it. * Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy. * The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris. * Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement". * The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar. * Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. * Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers. * He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick. * The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch. * The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off. * Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career. * Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face. * Chuck Norris can taste lies. * Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions. * One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio. * Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier. * In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere. * Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky. * They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him. * Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house. * Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head. * 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths. * Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes. * The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing. * Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors. * With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit. * The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death. * chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy. * To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight? * There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear. * If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this? * 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick. * Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face. * The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano. * Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

* Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. * If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris. * If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass. * Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris." * Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run. * MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it. * Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris. * What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”. * Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol. * The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings. * There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious. * Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful. * The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice. * Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom. * The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends" * Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic. * Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple. * When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it. * On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. * Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about. * Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you. * Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. * Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. * It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself. * Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise. * It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor. * Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy. * That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid. * Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover. * Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken. * Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls. * Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark. * As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris." * Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure. * Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. * Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol. * Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move. * It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. * Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time. * Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks. * Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef. * When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. * Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. * "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard. * Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body. * Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. * Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. * Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down. * Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. * When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever. * Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes. * Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys. * Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe. * Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.