I wrote this, i think about, 2 years ago... ish.... before lexi... before the lexi drama.... i will discuss that in a moment....
this is the letter i wrote to lindon, in like, mid 05? myabe earlier
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lindon~
Although you'll never read this letter, I needed to get this out. And one day may give you the web address so you can read it.
In March of 2000, when I walked into Newkirk Highschool, wearing my black plastic leather pants, marilyn manson shirt, my dog collar, and my black make-up, you would seem to the last person in this world I would have fallen in love with. You were so quite, shy sort of, but in this insanely sexy way. You seemed, normal. You were really goofy, and made me laugh. And while trying to hide it, I realized I could just stare into your eyes for the rest of my life. You can tell a lot by a person's eyes. Yours were very kind. I knew what kind of person you were before I ever got to know you. After we started really talking and what not, I realized you were a person I really wanted to be with. And, after a fwe months, we were.
I remember our first "date", in May. God... i was so nervous. I could not stop the butterflies in my tummy. Although, I honestly CANNOT remember that damned movie... except the "MAN ANIMALS"! Battlefield Earth... god, that movie never seemed the same trying to watch it later. Esp. considering we didn't watch the movie, at all. God, I miss being so young.
Then the whole "Cimarron Valley" bullshit. Grounded me from you, because I had sex with you.... how shocking. But being that I was like OH 15, i guess I understand their point now. Can you imagine TASH having sex at 15??? OH GOD!! I would kill her!!! I figured honestly though, yuo'd break up with me... and i wrote you that insanely long letter... it was like 70 pages front and back, like 140 total or some shit? Can't remember off hand... You never matched my letter. But I guess I forgive you.
God knows, I know I was a total bitch, MOST of the time. Gos, I was only 16. I just didn't know how to be in a normal stable relationship... for so many reasons. At that point in my life I needed too much from you. Things you could not give me. I was so scared you would leave me, god everyone else even my family had... why not you too. So, I just pushed you away. Did a great job, I know. I know you have never really gotten over how I acted. So it explains a lot of the issues I have with you now... although i still need a chance to bitch about it.
When you broke up with me, it killed me. When I think about it now, I almost start crying. I didn't realize at the time I had pushed you so far away. I was just getting the point I was realizing I was being a bitch, and needed to stop, before I lost you. And, for only being 17... I KNEW I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. No matter what anyone said... I knew it. Still to this day, I know I was right.
Then, the ryan shit started. He was there. He was someone to hang out with, who knew what i was going through, because he was w/ Krystal. Plus, with him being "best friends" (ha ha ha) with you, I was hoping you'd see how much I missed you, and take me back. (ha ha ha) I spent more time with him than i did with you, is whats sad. I mean you worked... he... didn't. I guess, yeah wait, overnights at Albertson's, I used to go visit him when I got off work at perkin's. Then, he slept while I was at School then all afternoon I hung out with him. Marla told me I should start dating him, which seemed insanely sick. Thus, I told her so. But, he was the closest friend I had at that point. He listened to me cry, and held me when I needed someone. He was there for me more than anyone has ever been. I remember one night, i can't remember what happened, but I called ryan up bawling. I cried to him about you all the way home from Ponca, and he was at your apt, but met me at the dhs parking lot, oh yeah, you came up to my work like a dumb shit. I still wanna know what the fuck u were thinking, but oh well. Anyway, he met me at the dhs parking lot and sat there with me for over an hour just listening to me cry. He just sat there and held me while i cried and got snot all over his, whatever it was. That blue windsuit he wore cuz he coached football. But, he was there. God knows he caused so much harm, but at the time, all i saw was him being there for me... whats sad if I hadn't really loved you like I had, I know I would have started dating him... as much of a psycho ASSHOLE he can be, he has his moments where he can be the sweetest man alive... just to turn around and stab u in the back. But, I didn't know that then... AND NEITHER DID YOU! So don't go acting like u did. I figured that out before even you did. But, he convinced me that you hated me and wantednothing to do with me, which, the more and more i think about it, the more and more I can believe it. But, I figured I had to do something. I had to get away from Ponca. Everytime I saw you I like started crying and hyperventilating. You, just DID NOT GIVE A SHIT. It was like, oh, ex girlfriend, wow. Then I started seeing Dennis. That was SOOO dumb, but hey it got me away from Ponca, and got my mind more off of you. When I moved to Enid, and told you bye, that was quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn't want to let you go. (still don't) I cried all the way to Enid. I knew I was pregnant, thats why I moved. For a while I had fun with Dennis, he wasn't that bad at first. I still missed you, a lot... but I had this glimmer of hope I culd get over you. Over that summer, I realized, I could never get over you. I could nevr love anyone the way that I love you. I realized I was making this stupid mistake... but by that time I was also married, and about to have Tash. God, I miss her being so little.
Then, after I had her... I told Ryan I'd had her. As ironic as it seems, if it weren't for him we wouldn't have even been talking at all. But then, I came up there to seeyou, brought tash with me. God, I swear she pooped like a million times while I was there!! And then that whole, you talk to me sometimes, when you don't have a girlfriend, and oh add in the have sex with me sometimes thing started. Then started this fucking bullshit nightmare I have been through with you over the past 2 years. (Not watching what I say anyone, if in fact u ever read this, at least you'll know the truth of how I feel/felt) We talked (and texted) a lot back then. I remember this one time you told me you really did want to try the whole "us dating" thing again. Let's be honest... you will never make up your fucking mind about that. But that was the first time... you were also dating the one chick, who if i ever see her i will beat her ass... she told me I was using Tash to try and get you back... ha ha fucking ha. god that still pisses me off... but hell you don't care. That was in Ausust of 03.
That next january, after this on again off again "talking & having sex" relationship thing we had going, Dennis took Tash. You know all the drama that went on there. Then our old buddy Ryan lied in court for dennis. Still don't know why. Everytime I talked to you about that shit, and you'd tell me it'd be ok... i believed it... because u said it. You have always made me feel safe. You have always in some way been there. I really thought that SOME DAY, you'd see how much I love you, and give me another chance... shit Lindon... how long has it been? And I still profess this love for you... I wish you'd just tell me once and for all "We'll only be friends".... you always add this maybe we could... and this "i do still care a lot about you, i just don't wanna date anyone right now in my life..." as you, 2 weeks later, HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING GIRLFRIEND. I dont know why, for so long, you have drug this out. I don't know why you lead me on, like eventual;ly one day you may want to date me. I don't know if it's the fact that, everytime i see you basically we have sex. (cuz god knows how guys are about that) hmmm... i called you a guy, and actually meant it... odd isn't it? But somehow, I have never been good enough to date. I have never been able to be the type of person you want to date. I don't know why. And I don't know what it is. So far, I have wasted 5 years of my life being in love with you... I will spend the rest of my life... still in love with you. But at least I will be able to go on, and know... i tried my best. You can't force someone to love you. I know that. I figured you would one day on your own accord love me back. I was wrong. I do feel that after being involved in your life for 2 years, well a little over 2, you'd have made up your mind about me. You say everything is so confusing, and blah blah blah... why can't you just tell me, robin, i think we should just be friends... i really don't want to date you... god it would have saved me alot of time that i spent trying to figure out what the fuck was SOOO damned wrong with me, and realized it's just not something u want, and I could have accepted that and moved on.... well not literally MOVED ON.... but at least not been hopeful for the past 2 fucking years that you would suddenly decide you actually wanted to date me... am i the only one you have done this to? God I hope not... I really really hope not... cuz that would be even worse. Knowing you date all these chicks, but, jesus, NOT ME. well there's a million reasons why I can understand from my point of view... MOST of your friends hate me... your brother REALLY hates me... i was a total psycho BITCH to you (when i was 16, which was by the way 4 years and a kid ago) somehow you don't understand I grew up... or you do understand, and you just don't feel "that way" for me anymore... and if you didn't... WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME... why did you play this "i still care alot about you" thing.. oh and the whole thing how you could see you me and tash being a family... OH DEAR GOD LINDON!!!!!!!!! How the FUCK did you think you could tell me something like that? And then like a few weeks later stop talking to me because i was talking to ryan.... REALLY?!!?!? Yeah, you're... i don't even know what to say anymore... nothing would probably be best...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now, i will continue from there. I have been in love with lindon, since, well, June 6, 2000. We were sitting in taco bell, eating those cinnamon things, joking about how it sounded like semen. I loved him. I loved him then, I love him now, I'll love him until the day I die. Can i move on? yes. Will I? already have. But have I stopped loving him? NO. If he called me this second, and said, Robin, I love you, come be with me... would I? Probably.
The other night he called me, drunk off his ass... he was driving from OKC to stillwater... DRUNK... I had never been so afraid of something happening to him... I was terrified. It was at that moment I realized, despite how much i hate him for all he has done... I am still so in love with him. All i could imagine was if something happened to him... a wreck... got pulled over... anything. But i was terrified. I told him (although by this pt he had made it to stillwater) I would have told him to stay put and i would have come to get him, had he not already been in stillwater.... if he had needed me, i would have been there.... i can't help it. I love him. I can't stop. He can't be with me. He chooses not to be with me. He just doesn't LOVE me. Thats ok. He decided i am at a different point in my life, and Alexis just sealed the deal. He couldn't be with me, having two kids. Why wasn't he with me before that? Because he wasn't ready to forgive me for my actions towards him. Wanna know what I think? I think he lied. All of it, lies. He just doesn't love me. He sure the hell can text me when he's drunk and wanna fuck me... I am sure good enough to sleep with... but he cant be with me. I'm not good enough for that. I have baggage. The most beautiful and wonderful baggage in the world. My children. I guess I am lucky there. I need a man who is responsible, and mature enough, to deal with my life. I have kids. I love them dearly, and would not give them up for anything. Lindon, is just not to a point in his life he could handle that, not to mention the lack of "love".... what he feels for me, I'll never truly know. Lust, I suppose. It has taken me years to accept the fact that, well, I lost him. I lost him for good. No more hopes, no more wishing... no more waiting for the text message or phone call from him saying "I was wrong; I can't live without you". Those dreams are gone. I can talk to him now, respect him for his decisions, and accept that, one day he'll marry someone. I will cry. Because that someone wont be me. I will live the rest of my life knowing I am in love with someone who does not love me. I will eventually re-marry. Maybe have some more kids. Love my husband, and truly be happy. But there will always be a part of my heart that belongs to him... it's something he has. He can't give it back, and I can't take it. He will always be in my heart, I'll always love him, and I'll always wonder, what if.... Am i bad for that? I don't care. It's how I chose to be. I will eventually find the perfect man... honestly... i may have already found him... does that stop me from loving Lindon? NO.... will that stop me from loving this man? no way. But love is love. My belief is that when you truly love someone, you never stop loving them. The type of love changes, the degree fades, and that love becomes part of your past... but the prints of that love will always be left on your heart.... Lindon's prints are all over mine... maybe someday this man will start to cover up those prints..... I'll always love him... All i can do is wish... wish that things had been different. Wish that he had seen how much I loved him... Wish that he had loved me back... wish that.... i didn't love him.... my life will go on, as will his... in 60 years i'll look back, and who knows what I will think.... But i know, He will still be on my mind.... watch the Ya Ya sisterhood... you'll understand....
