Ok, so I've not had the best day in the world. Just when I think I can't take anymore, everything else goes wrong. I don't normally let things get to me, but this past week, they have. I also don't like to turn to people when I'm having a rough time with my husband being gone, because I'm a big girl and I married into the military and I feel as if I should suck it up and move on.
But, in my defense this past week, I am only human. I married someone in the military who has to be separated from us for such a long time. We just hit the 4 month mark and it already seems like its been an eternity. I broke down and cried for 30 min. Everyone sees me as this strong woman, in fact they tell me just how strong they think I am and that they don't know how I deal with all of this day in and day out. Its true, I miss my husband. He's in my thoughts from the time I wake up-- till I put my head on my pillow at night. He's in my dreams all the time.
I honestly didn't think this would be all that hard on me. I stay so strong for everyone else, that I sometimes forget I have weaknesses too. And sometimes my strengths fail me. Sometimes, I get so frustrated and I just cry for what I think is no reason, when it all stems from trying to be this strong person for everyone. For that I apologize and all I can say is that I, too, have my own weaknesses.
Everything reminds me of him. Songs on radio to things my son does that are just exactly the same as his daddy. Tonight there was an unexpected knock at my door. My heart sank. Its the worst feeling in the entire world and I though my world was going to come crashing down on me. So many thoughts ran through my head as I prepared myself for the worst. This time it was only my sister. A sigh of relief fell upon me and my heart jumped back to where it belonged.
I love my husband with all that I have in me. And I do my best to give him the strength he needs when he has times of weakness. Just when he can't take anymore of everything that goes on over there-- he comes to me to be his strength. And tonight, well, I couldn't be that strength he needed. I wish you all could take a walk in my shoes. It doesn't have to be far, but for a split second, you'd know all the emotions that run through me and just how painfully exhausting it can be. The worst is fear. The fear that any moment the love of my life would be gone forever. This is one experience I wish you all could endure, just so you know exactly what it feels like to face every moment through out everyday he's gone.
