**** This was written fro my Myspace blog but thought I may as well post it here as well ****
So if I can get over this fucking constant pain that I have been in for what 2 weeks now I would be so damn happy. But I am not here to complain about my pain and discomfort because all in all I am dealing with that pretty well. I am still going to work, just not doing anything extra. I am not bitching as much as I could by a long shit, yeah I am a little more bitchy than usual to the guys at work and I kinda (very little) feel bad for it but I could be much much worse all things considered.
Anyway, I want to just ramble cause I am on Vicodin and my mind is racing since I can’t sleep and all that. So, what is it about blondes? Why are men so fucking attracted to blondes? I make fun of the guys at work about this all the time, but I am aware of the fact that it is not just them. It is like some fucking epidemic. I am not picking on blondes since some of my greatest friends are blondes I just don’t understand what it is. Here is my theory and oh yes this is going to be on and on so either stop now or be prepared:
We are taught from very very early on in life that beauty is set in stone - that you have to be this to be considered beautiful. Now this is generally blonde and tall and very thin with little curve to your body or if there is curve then it better only be your chest and nothing else. This is shoved down our throats from the time we can see beyond our own hands. Take a look at the things that we seen on television from the time we were very small.
This is where I could bitch about things such as Barbie and how she perpetuates this unreal idea. But, I am not even going to do that, it has been done to death. I’m just going to ask you to think about why we buy into that idea just because Mattel tells us to. When did we become so weak minded that we became so easy for these large corporations to just say “alright here is what beauty is and here is what you will strive to be” ? Why do we allow that? Why do we strive for that? Why do we want to be that? Why do we want to be what someone else considers beautiful? Why do we not want to be what we consider beautiful?
Do any of you remember watching the Miss America contest when you were younger and thinking that the prettiest girls never seemed to win? It was always some blonde haired woman that had a fake smile, an even faker voice, and yet if possible an even more fake personality. There was the occasional brunette that one I’m not saying they were all blonde, but how many were? Yeah I am not looking up statistics but I’m sure more were blonde than any other hair color. Do you remember seeing celebrities get thinner and more plastic than flesh as you grew up? Do you remember when people were content with the way they looked . . . Yeah me either.
But what is nagging me is why is that? Why can we not see ourselves as beautiful as we are? Why do we think that we have to be the same as the Playboy centerfold to be beautiful? Ya know what - I’d rather look like a Suicide Girl than a Playboy model any day. These are gorgeous women who love their bodies as they are, embrace their differences and enhance them. They have tattoos and piercing and look amazing with them. I would rather be real and beautiful than fake and lusted after, how about you?
You guys want to know the truth? Of all the friends I have and all the women I know, it isn’t the thin blondes that are the most beautiful. I’m not saying they aren’t because they are - I can find beauty in almost anyone - but based upon looks alone they are not the most beautiful. This one is simple, ask any of the men I work with and they will tell you the prettiest girls who work for Morrow County are Lindi, who yes is a blonde and Judy, who is far from a blonde. I hear all the time how gorgeous Judy is, and I know this. She knows I think she is beautiful (she also knows it’s not just the physical that makes me think this though). However, these people do not know her as I do so they are only judging on the physical and yes she does have the physical beauty to get that attention - generally well proportioned body, big dark brown eyes, and pretty olive colored skin. She is not stick thin and has not been since I have known her, she is not afraid to eat let me tell you - and she is not afraid to get out there an look stupid. She is real, that is why I am talking about her - she breaks that societal mold and others can see that.
I have one friend who all of her life has tried and tried to be what society considers beautiful and trendy. She is a blonde so she thought she had to be stick thin and was always complaining that she is too short and too fat - never once seeing that she was always beautiful and just never tried to find that beauty. I haven’t spoken to her in a while but I hear that she has finally settled into a life where she is herself, not what others want her to be and I am sure that she is more beautiful now than she has ever been.
Here is the way I see it, we are all, every one of us beautiful in some way. It’s up to each of us to find that beauty though. I used to hate my appearance, hate my height, hate my weight, hate everything about me . . . But I am not longer uncomfortable with myself. I have come to terms with who I am and what potential I have. I will never be that size 7 again, and I am not sure that I want to be. Yes, I do wish to lose the weight I have put on the last few months, but it will come off. I am no longer uncomfortable with my appearance in general . . . I don’t look at myself and see an ugly face staring back at me anymore. As a matter of fact I have looked at myself when made up to go out and thought, yes Jess, you look pretty good tonight. I realize that there are people who have never and more than likely will never see me like that. There are people who only see me when I go to work and no I do not try to look good when I go to work - I wear navy blue all day and my hair is pulled up and I have no makeup on . . . I look 100% different when I go out. I think the people who only see me at work would look at me when dressed up and think - damn can’t be the same person - because I do look that much different and that much better!
But it’s all about comfort with yourself, letting go of what society pushes you to be and being what you want to be. I am no longer pushing myself to be what someone else wants me to be and I am happy. I am confident in myself and everything I do - and see no reason why I shouldn’t be. I no longer care what others think of me, what I do, or the decisions I make - they are mine and they affect me - not them. If they want to feel bad about themselves because they will never be six foot tall, or weigh 110 pounds then they can do that - I just never will be that again. I am a big girl, gonna stay that way and tell those who don’t like it to fuck off - I am happy!
I wish you all the strength and positivity to find that within yourselves as well. Say fuck society and their only thin blondes can be beautiful attitude - be who you are and be proud of it. Someone will find that alone beautiful and if you can’t find something beautiful about yourself come find me and I will help you.
