All right, panel, it is now time for New Rules, everybody! New Rules!
All right. New Rule: Someone has to explain to President Bush that a timetable doesn't involve him actually having to know his times tables. I finally figured out the problem. Someone suggests "timetable" and he thinks, "6 times 9; 8 times 7...f*** it, no way, stay the course."
New Rule: You can't tell me you're making James Bond up to date when he's still wearing a tuxedo to the casino. Have you been to Laughlin, Nevada? You're lucky if the player sitting next to you puts in his teeth! You know how you can tell a high roller? His sweatpants are clean! There's a name for people who wear tuxedos in casinos: magicians.
New Rule: Tell your kid to stop staring at me. I just watched you cave in to each of his in-flight demands, for his Teddy Grahams, his sippy-cup, his "gankie." And now you're going to let him turn around and eyeball me for a half-hour. Geez, you'd never think he's seen a guy get a handjob on a plane before.
New Rule: Let the Bush twins have a cocktail. You know, every time one of the Bush twins is spotted with a drink, somebody puts a picture of it on the Internet. Who cares?! You don't worry about a Bush when they're drinking. Worry about them when they get sober! These girls are 24, and I, for one, applaud their self-control. If my dad were President Bush, I'd be drunk in public so often, James Baker would have me killed.
And finally, New Rule: When the Iraq Study Group gets done studying Iraq, they have to study America. Now, I know liberals have been on a high these last ten days. And it can't be the meth because that's a gay evangelical drug. But, let's remember that all that really happened was Republicans went so bat-shit for so long that common sense seemed like a new idea.
But we still don't have real diversity. Oh, Congress looks like America, black, white, Asian, Hispanic, and whatever else is in Barack Obama—but diversity of thought? There's not one atheist in Congress, not one person who favors legalizing drugs, not even one who'd admit they like to party! Except Nancy Pelosi, she's a freak.
Oh, if only she were. But Nancy Pelosi isn't going to try to cut the defense budget or really tax gasoline or socialize hospitals. The far right has taken over the Republican Party, but the far left? Doesn't even exist. If we were really looking for a new direction, we wouldn't just change Congress, we'd have another Constitutional Convention, as Thomas Jefferson suggested we do.
That's right. Jefferson said, "Let us provide in our Constitution for its revision every 20 years." Because no founder, no matter how brilliant, could have imagined the iPod! Or global warming. Or assault rifles. Or roving wiretaps. They couldn't imagine using toilet paper instead of bark!
If Ben Franklin got beamed in to visit us today, the first thing he'd say is, "For $17 I get porn on the hotel TV all day?" And then he'd say, "You guys are still using that same old thing we wrote over 200 years ago, that we told you to revise?! That's so nuts, hemp must still be legal!"
So I could name a dozen things that could use a rewrite in the Constitution, like getting rid of the Electoral College. And getting rid of "corporate personhood." But, for today, let's just start with that vague part about what you can get impeached for. How about, starting unnecessary wars, yes; getting blown, no.
And while we're at it, let's get rid of the 22nd Amendment that says you can't run for president more than twice? Because that's just hatin'. If a guy can win the popular vote, he should be able to run, or that's not a democracy. Bill Clinton should be able to run for president in 2008, period. It would be worth it just to see him debate Hillary.
